Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 17/03/2017 17:03

You are his first and only priority? Come on, what about his child?

hutchblue · 17/03/2017 17:04

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 17/03/2017 17:11

"Love is not about deceit."

Spot on.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 17/03/2017 17:13

". Text him to say you can't see him again until he's told his wife."

But not this. End it and move on. You will never be able to trust him if you remain involved even if he did leave his wife. His texts to you today are more of the same script. It's all part of an act and an experienced one by the sound of it.

NaturWilde · 17/03/2017 17:16

I think your anger is misplaced. You've done nothing wrong and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. These feelings should either be directed at him or felt by him.

You have no reason to be angry at yourself or question your intuition. Focus on building yourself back up, making the immediate and clean break and giving him zero of your energy. When he gives you more of the script, realise it has nothing to do with you and don't play any of his games.

You are amazing, but he's not the right person to see that in you.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2017 17:17

He said that I am the most amazing woman he's ever come across and would love to have me as his wife and mother of his kids. He said he always thinks about me. He said he's never been this much in love. He said I am his first and only priority.

Rubbish.

If you're his first and only priority, he'd be getting divorced.

Why would you want to be anywhere near him after the deceit?

If you're his only prioritythat means his children don't matter... So what's stopping him from leaving.

I can see you'll take up the role of OW and continue falling for his crap.

I'll send you info from many who've been in your shoes and stayed there for years and years.

Even the OW would tell you to go NC and don't look back.

1horatio · 17/03/2017 17:19

He said I am his first and only priority.

A man with a child saying this? I couldn't.

I'd either assume he's lying or a horrible father. Both bad qualities.

MerryMarigold · 17/03/2017 17:21

Why would you love a man who can do OLD when he's married? To give him the MASSIVE benefit of the doubt, maybe he has fallen for you, but the fact he would entertain doing this in the first place is

A MASSIVE RED FLAG.

This is the kind of man he is. OP. Not a nice one. And as the classic saying goes, if he can do it once, he can do it again.

hutchblue · 17/03/2017 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:24

Oh I'm so very sorry xxx

I feel for you.

Even I'm not ready to joke yet - no wonder you aren't.

"smash I haven't told anyone in RL. In fact my friends currently think I'm dating someone great. I can't imagine how I'd even begin to explain what happened. I've basically harped on about him to them like he was my future husband and father to my kids. I feel a lot of shame.

He said that I am the most amazing woman he's ever come across and would love to have me as his wife and mother of his kids. He said he always thinks about me. He said he's never been this much in love. He said I am his first and only priority."

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:26

You've suffered a real loss here, I get that you need to mourn it.

badtime · 17/03/2017 17:26

So, OP , after your cheating scumbag had explained himself and you 'said you were leaving' , did you actually leave?

Adora10 · 17/03/2017 17:27

I'm astounded you haven't told him to fuck off to the farside; I mean what else does he have to do to make you realise he's a fucken cheating git; think of that poor wife, that poor child cos he sure as he isn't.

Get real OP, you fell for the oldest shit in the book; you now know the FACTS, please act on them.

I've just got this horrible feeling that you are actually believing his BS; be it on your head then because you KNOW he has a life with a woman and child, regardless of his lines to you.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:28

I'm really sorry that you feel this sense of shame - it's a ghastly feeling.

Sentmeamonkey · 17/03/2017 17:28

I am sorry but he is full of shit, if you were his FIRST & ONLY PRIORITY, then he wouldn't be staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the child. His first and main priority is himself, as long as he his getting what he wants he will be happy bollocks to everyone else.

SoulAccount · 17/03/2017 17:29

So sorry, OP, he had treated you very very badly. He had no business to lead you on to the point where you came to feel like this about him. While holding back such crucial information.

Very upsetting.

It may actually be true that he feels for you and his marriage is shot to hell. Plenty of people do love like that. But so what; he is staying for his kids, and is not available for the relationship you want.

And it means that if he is staying for the kids, he is looking for affairs and quick shags. That is all he can offer.

So sorry he turned out to be fake.

But.... there was clearly attraction, you got on, but you can't be seriously in anything like love before you even know his wine tastes,

SoulAccount · 17/03/2017 17:30

'Live like that', not love.

OverOn · 17/03/2017 17:32

Oh love, he says you're his first priority but so what? It's only words and you quite clearly aren't.

If you seriously believe his schtick about his wife and he being seperated, ask to check that with her. After all she won't mind, if they have this marriage of convenience?

He won't want you to speak to her and will give you all sorts of reasons. Here's a few and there's loads of others too...

No point rocking the boat now, better to wait until my son is older
If I tell her she'll want to make the swperation official and she'll want money / we can't afford it
She's actually not a nice person / she's crazy / she's stressed / she'll restrict access to my child
It's not a good time right now - something's happened with their child / her / her family (child doesn't like school / someone ill / work stress / any other excuse)
We actually agreed not to tell each other about anyone else because it might make things awkward.

Honestly he's not worth this much of your headspace. Dust yourself and try again with someone genuine. Don't be drawn into romanticising this relationship - you're not star crossed lovers. He's a sleaze.

LuluJakey1 · 17/03/2017 17:32

You are his first and only priority.
He works elsewhere, lives elsewhere, lives with his wife and has told you his 5 year old daughter is the priority in his life.

You are company and a shag when he is in town on business, as someone else will be in another town if he visits one, as his wife is at home.
Why didn't he tell you when you first met? He has been dishonest in every way, with you, her, his daughter and God knows who else.

Has he told her about you if they live separate lives?
Has he told his parents?
Has he told his siblngs?
Has he introduced you to friends who know him and his wife?

No, he has you in a box in his life, compartmentalised away from his real life.

Sorry to sound harsh but he is showing and telling you who he is. He was looking for a woman online. How many others has he found?

Get rid for your own good.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 17/03/2017 17:33

I agree with the others. Dump him.

Can someone please tell me what OLD is. I've read it on so many threads, but I have no idea what it is, and it's driving me nuts lol.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:35

"you can't be seriously in anything like love before you even know his wine tastes"

I'm hoping this might raise a rueful smile.

MaeveTheRave · 17/03/2017 17:36

Please walk away for your own sake. Hard when they've drawn you in already. It's a jackass thing to do. (him I mean)

badtime · 17/03/2017 17:36

Chris, it's 'on-line dating'.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:37

"He said that I am the most amazing woman he's ever come across and would love to have me as his wife and mother of his kids. He said he always thinks about me. He said he's never been this much in love. He said I am his first and only priority."

Oh he is very cruel, very corrupting.

Be very grateful you are not his child.

Adora10 · 17/03/2017 17:38

OLD = simply On Line Dating