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Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:11

Don't give him the gift of your sorrow.

SpikyFish · 17/03/2017 15:11

If he has done once he will do again

Also the fact he has only just told you gives you an idea of his attitude towards honesty

I am afraid I agree, hard as it is walk away now

SoulAccount · 17/03/2017 15:12

Even if he was telling the truth about the breakdown in the relationship with his wife, he is still a liar and a cheat.

Living with her without caring about her for his own sake, living with her and having sex elsewhere without telling her. Starting a dating profile and having sex with you without telling you truthfully where you stood in advance.

Don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault.

But it isn't your responsibility or business either - I wouldn't contact the wife.

Just draw a line and walk away.

smearedinfood · 17/03/2017 15:13

You need to block his number and walk away. Knotch this one up to a bad experience and move on.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 17/03/2017 15:13

Why haven't you blocked him yet? If you block him he can't text you.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:14

Personally I would not want to be judged on what I did on the night I found out, but on what I did after waking up and thinking it over.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 17/03/2017 15:14

If you must send a response then "please do not contact me further - I have no wish to continue our relationship" will be more than sufficient.

Deadsouls · 17/03/2017 15:15

You didn't know, and for all you know he could've done this kind of thing before. He might be a very accomplished liar, and manipulative. Why wouldn't you believe him?

Deadsouls · 17/03/2017 15:15

Hang on people. Let the OP catch her breath.

memyselfandaye · 17/03/2017 15:16

Have you actually told him you don't want any contact with him yet?

You sound like you're going to wait around and give him another chance.

There really is'nt any need to question it, he lied, he's a creep, move on.

I assume you used condoms? If not, get a check up.

Adora10 · 17/03/2017 15:16

He's your typical man works away on business and starts up a second life; this is him; two faced lying cheating cunt.

Tell his wife; you are involved.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:17

This is your last chance not to become complicit.

(Also he will dump you if you get emotional/needy and there's no way you can be anything but now.......)

LaGatoteca · 17/03/2017 15:17

HarmlessChap you are not harmless.

The type of man who uses women by being a serial cheat, likes to plant disinformation to sow the seeds of doubt. Stories where things "worked out". This is how accomplished liars and deceivers operate. They do groundwork, sow seeds of doubt. It's a form of gas lighting, propaganda and disinformation. They view it as acting as their own future wingman.

Again, it's a crock of shit.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:18

Your recovery time will be longer and your support network shorter if you destroy your self-esteem and carry on.

user1486915549 · 17/03/2017 15:19

He has told you he doesn't want to be a " part time father " so he isn't going to leave his wife is he .
You sound as if you are considering staying with him. Then , for your own sanity , make sure he tells his wife first.
He won't but just sayin......

LucieLucie · 17/03/2017 15:20

What's OLD?? I'm guessing it's a dating site?? If so this man is a serial cheat with a very deliberate motive to meet other women for sex.

The man you think he is will be a veiled version, I really think men like this are almost predators. I also doubt you are/have been his only mistress.

He has a wife and child. Walk away now. Nice men don't carry out a secret life on dating sites.

VibrantAmI · 17/03/2017 15:20

Do you know why you had no inkling that he was lying? Because most people tip you off by being a bit uncomfortable in their lie, or try too hard. He's neither. He's completely comfortable in lying to get you in to bed. He's done this many times and he has no problem with what he's doing. He'll continue lying and cheating because he's so very good at it. It's your choice whether it's you he's lying to and cheating on. You're no fool. He's simply well practiced with no remorse.

AuntieStella · 17/03/2017 15:21

"I just want to work out where and how I went wrong."

You didn't. Philanderers are very accomplished liars - they couldn't spbe successful otherwise. The early stages of dating are characterised by people putting on a front in order to attract. When that front gives way, relationships can flourish or fail. Admittedly not always failing quite as starkly as this. But better now than further down the line.

You would only be going wrong if you kept seeing him.

Or if you let an encounter with a shit change you in any material way. You acted normally. He's the one with the problem.

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/03/2017 15:22

You didn't go wrong. He did. He sounds very well versed...too versed. He's most definitely done this before.

He'll pull the "my wife is ill" card next or it might be "I haven't been feeling right of late, so the doctor is carrying out some tests" it's called the sympathy card. He will systematically press each and every one of your buttons until he gets the reaction he's looking for.

He's given you an out. Take it. But, be prepared for him not to accept that.

LaGatoteca · 17/03/2017 15:23

Block him. Don't let him get to you with his lies and manipulation.

You are astute and clever. You just hadn't met someone so deceptive before. When you are a decent person, it's difficult to conceive of the lengths deceptive people will go to, simply because it wouldn't occur to you to do that. You don't have an insight on the mindset.

How you show you are astute and clever is by seeing this for what it is now, walking away and learning from your experience.

My misfortune was that my dad was one of these guys. My good fortune was that mum stood up to him and fought him when it all came. No-one sees through these people until they encounter them and learn from the experience. It's just some people encounter the, earlier than others. The people who escape having encountered these deceivers, often pay their fortune at escaping forward by warning others of the traps. People who never see through the lies, even when the deceiver shows their true colours, stay trapped int he web of lies spun by the deceiver, and their lives suffer for it.

Google "dark triad" if you want an insight into the mindset though,

silkybear · 17/03/2017 15:23

please text him back telling him you are not willing to be the other woman and you no longer want any contact from him. Then block him. Just do it immediately, have a glass of wine, have a cry and start OLD again when you are ready. Sometimes you have to kiss some frogs before you find Mr. Right. This one is a toad.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:24

Yes, he has given you an out.

When you text back, he will be comparing your responses to ones he has had before and judging your level of ongoing trouble free availability.

life07 · 17/03/2017 15:24

As hard as it feels op walk away now while you can. Not easy I know but trust me the disgust you feel at yourself with become worse if you carry on now you know he's married.You are worth so much more.

miserableandinpain · 17/03/2017 15:26

Sorry op. Its the script. Hs is trying to get you to agree to being the Ow. By telling you he diesnt want to be a part time dad. Its his way of saying im not leaving my wife but i will still have sex with you. How can things ever get serious with you 2 if he has no intention of leaving...? Please dont fall for it. Cut the string before you fall any further

Giddyaunt18 · 17/03/2017 15:29

If he's doing it to her it's quite likely he'll do it to you. Get rid.