To chuck water over 'D'P?

[FringyFringe]

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason

Definitely he is wrong. But these actions - (from both of you, and him starting it) are a recipe for disaster. If I saw my children playing like that, I'd know it would end badly. Play fighting becomes fighting. It sounds from your posts that you don't want to leave or escalate it, if so, be clear where the boundary lies in future and ensure that he is respectful of that. Good luck.

What happened this morning op?

Nobody should be advising a dv victim on how best to stay!

Leaving is the only course. People don't always do it, unfortunately. But they should.

That's not to say support shouldn't be there and I would always support a poster who stayed or left. But I would also continue to tell her that she Should leave. This never happens once and once only.

The love of one's life simply wouldn't choke you! There is no grey area. It wouldn't happen.

OP

He is old enough to know that, play fighting or not, that kind of behaviour is entirely inappropriate.

I hope this situation is sorted soon, but I hope if nothing else you have him groveling on his knees.

Not quite all chatted out, are you? What a vindictive post.

I don't know why anyone here is focusing on the throwing of the water as a trigger for wrapping his hands around her throat.
He woke her up to watch a film with him at 10.30pm by whipping her sheets off, tickling her and pressing a cold can from the fridge onto her bare skin 'repeatedly'.
Given what he felt at liberty to do to OP, she clearly felt the water was responding in kind.

Victim Blamers of the world unite! And on this thread apparently.

' expect them to lash out ' ' what do you expect ' seriously?!

Op, I'm hoping you're getting ds to school while coming up with a plan, I truly believe he's dangerous, he could've seriously hurt you last night.

I hope you're ok

allchattedout no you should report to MN who will decide whether to pull or not. Other people in violent situations could be reading this thread in which case all the advice given to the OP might resonate with them as well and encourage them to get out of their situations. Or they may see the number of people on here shouting that the OP is a liar/troll and think theat if they come forward they too will be disbelieved. I know from personal experience how damaging that is.

Not much sign of the sisterhood on this thread FFS

Strygil

Other people in violent situations could be reading this thread in which case all the advice given to the OP might resonate with them as well and encourage them to get out of their situations. Or they may see the number of people on here shouting that the OP is a liar/troll and think theat if they come forward they too will be disbelieved.

This

Oh and strygil encouraging a woman with a violent partner who's put his hand round her throat to 'work at her marriage' is just about the worst advice you can give.

Jesus.

Why not log out of MN altogether and work on your marriage OP

Jesus fucking christ. And how do you suggest someone works on a marriage when they've been assaulted?

Two wrongs don't make a right.

any of the scenario's in the OP would be considered to be abusive in isolation. Put them all together and you have a mutually violent relationship.

Just because one episode is worse than another doesn't mean one party is more wrong than the other - it means that neither of them have any boundaries and don't know when to stop until it's too late.

It's a hideous example to set for an eight year old as to how to conduct a relationship.

As for coming back to post on Mn straight after the event, well words fail really....

Tell him to leave, once his physically hurt you, his very likely to do it again.

You shouldn't have thrown water on him but it doesn't justify his actions at all. Get rid off him asap and take photos of any bruising his caused. Keep yourself and your ds safe.

Throwing water on someone as a prank is the same as throwing someone against a wall by their throat? In what fucking universe?

Yes OP, refute the support and advice from all the man-haters here and work on your relationship with the man who dangerously assaulted you for meeting him on a level playing field.*

*not really

I agree that pranking on this level often ends badly. You have to both be 100% comfortable with it and both know where to draw the line. Me and DH prank each other but this behaviour we would both consider way past the line.

Personally I think he started it by waking you up imo very aggressively. Theres a big difference between gently tickling you awake in an annoying but playful fashion and ripping the covers off you and pressing something cold against you repeatedly. The first is annoying but tolerable, the later is a really nasty way to be woken.

You retaliated in kind with the water which is equally as aggressive in that situation. Sleeping people don't react nicely and provoking them forcefully is never a good idea.

He then flipped and lost his shit. I can understand him telling you to fuck off (I would have done as well) but there is NEVER a good reason to hold someone against a wall by their throat.

You need to see how he reacts this morning and you also need some space to think about your relationship. Ask yourself these questions.

Is the pranking always started by him?
Has it ever made you uncomfortable before?
Have you been able to tell him you were uncomfortable?
Has he ever told you that's he's been uncomfortable?
Has he ever shouted and screamed at you in anger after a retaliation?
Do you do the same to him?

I have been known to tell DH to fuck off. It is never in aggressive anger. If things are done with aggression and anger behind them then they aren't pranks. Pranks make you scream for a few seconds, say something derogatory then start laughing. If there's no genuine laughter there's no prank. If there's no way of speaking up if you are uncomfortable there's no prank.

Know your boundaries and set acceptable ones. Don't tolerate abuse disguised as banter.

Fuck me. This thread.

OP I hope you're okay this morning. I don't have any useful advice, but maybe start a new thread over on the relationships board? You might get more support and advice and less of the twattish troll hunting and victim blaming.

Thanks for the reports on this thread.

We'd like to remind you to please refrain from troll hunting.

We understand you may have doubts, but we'd much rather you come to us, rather than air these doubts on the board.

We know from past experience that troll hunting can cause upset and derail the thread.

Should you want to have a look OP, our domestic violence webguide is here and has lots of helpful information.

Thanks, all.

This thread is bizzare.

It's normal for the op and her partner to wake each other up in annoying ways, it's not how my relationship works but that's not relevent. How they woke each other up isnt really the issue. Its his reaction when op took it a little too far that is the problem. So can we all concentrate on that instead of the pranks they both pull on each other!!

My BIL was never overtly abusive to my DSis - a little push here, a little shove there. Making derogatory comments to her etc. Then one day, years later, he suddenly flipped, put her in hospital for 3 weeks. She had 3 seizures, broken ribs, a damaged tailbone and hardly had any skin showing that wasn't black and blue. And tried to strangle his son when he tried to help his mom.

These things can escalate extremely quickly.

If the thread had been reversed and he'd thrown the water first, or if indeed the OP had hit him because of the way in which he woke her people would be saying he started it and she was in the right.

The relationship needs to have ended long before it got to this point, but the fact here is that they have both previously been guilty of escalating abusive behaviours, and now it's reached a point where they've ended up out of control.

It's the same as most violent relationships. It starts out with little things and then escalates gradually. Except that in this case they have both been guilty of escalating behaviour and he is the one who has taken that behaviour to the extreme. But red flags should have been waving long before this. At the point anyone considers it acceptable to throw water over a sleeping partner they need to stop and think how the hell their relationship has reached this point.

I've just done the school run and dropped DP at work. I know it may seem warped that I gave him a lift but I just wanted to get through the morning as normally as I could without alerting DS that something was really wrong.

I haven't read all the posts but will go back through them now.

I see that MN have deleted a fair few, I assume for troll hunting. If they've been on the thread and haven't pulled it then clearly they don't suspect me of trolling.

All things aside, I agree with the poster who said it might put other people who need support off seeking it here, and that is dangerous. I'm quite thick skinned and i'll ignore it for the most part but fear if not being believed is another reason why people put up with horrible abuse for longer than they should so it's not helpful. The report button is there should you wish to use it, otherwise just leave the thread if you think it's not worth your time.

Thanks to the other posters who have been more understanding. I feel so strange this morning, I feel like I should be freaking out, crying etc. but I'm so calm.

He has apologised, several times. I've just shrugged because I don't really know what else to say atm.

I'll try to go back through posts and answer properly now. I don't want to talk to anyone in R/L about it just atm, but being here is helping.