To chuck water over 'D'P?

[FringyFringe]

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason

I'm sure all the nasty pp will be right back to apologise for their accusations.

Op there a people who can help you.

Very odd

WannaBe Just because one episode is worse than another doesn't mean one person is more wrong than the other

Uh, yes it does.

A pokes B with a sharp stick. B retaliates by poking A with a finger. A reacts by poking B with a knife...

He's apologised and you've shrugged.

Ok, you could be in shock. That's understandable.

Him? I'm trying to imagine my dh doing something even remotely like this...if he did, he wouldn't just apologise and trot off to work, I don't think.

But then, he's not an absolute scumbag...

You say your Partner wasn't drunk but is there any other reason you can think of (other than him being a violent thug who can't hold their temper) for him getting extreme?

It seems a massive jump from 'pranking' and messing about to actual violence. Can you think of anything that may have triggered it or could it be that this has been building up for a while with the 'playfulness' and he is showing his true colours?

I have seen abusive relationships started in a similar way. I think it's so the abuser makes the abuse seem more normal to the victim by slowly introducing it and taking it just that bit farther every time.

I would be having a long hard look at my relationship and TBH it would absolutely be the end for me but obviously you need to do what is right for you.

Can I suggest that speaking to woman's aid would be a good idea even if it's just to start working through your feelings about what has happened, everything else can come later.

for you.

Having lived in a refuge for victims of domestic violence, I would say that IF the person chooses to stay (despite everyone's advice to leave), then giving advice to enable them to do that safely IS great advice. Terrible advice would be - carry on doing what you're doing and it will improve with time....

And let me be clear, I think everyone has the right to leave a relationship whenever they choose.

I think you shrugging at his apology is not a bad thing. Showing him indifference at this stage until you get your head straight, then once you have, delivering to him in an assertive manner is the way to go, whatever your decision may be.

What is your gut telling you OP?

WishIhadaGEG yes, the ultimate action, the one where he grabbed the OP by the throat is the one which hopefully should end the relationship. but the problem is that all the previous actions had built up to this. This relationship has no boundaries on either side.

he feels that there's no wrong in waking up the OP by tickling and then holding a cold can on her. Similarly the OP felt she was justified in throwing water over her sleeping partner. Both actions were wrong, although IMO throwing water over a sleeping person is by far worse, but they both did these things in the name of normal pranks within their relationship.

It should never even have got to the point where either of the previous incidents happened, but it did. And presumably the OP was angry when being woken but snapped out of it just enough to go to the kitchen, but not enough to pre-meditatively decide to throw water over her sleeping partner and to even post on a website for validation for her actions.

His anger was a lot more snappy and had more far-reaching consequences, and crossed an irreversible line. But because there were already no boundaries in the relationship the line was so much easier to cross.

People don't throw water at each other in normal relationships. People don't wake each other with cold cans in normal relationships. People don't prank each other constantly in normal relationships.

He has crossed the line, but the relationship was already unhealthy on both sides.

People are seeing him as the abuser because of the final action he took. When actually the relationship was unhealthy on both sides Long before it turned violent.

OP I feel so strange this morning, I feel like I should be freaking out, crying etc. but I'm so calm.

This is numbness. It's part of the shock process. Your brain is switching off temporarily to protect you from the emotional impact of the event. Make sure you are safe first. Take your time to process what has happened and seek real life support (don't be embarrassed to tell someone), and be prepared for the enormity of all this to metaphorically hit you like a bus when it starts to sink in. Then make some decisions about your future.

Can I just ask again though...who the fuck gets in at 10.30 pm and wakes their partner up to watch a film in the first place?
Even if it was decided earlier that they would watch a film, the course of action is to say to oneself, "Oh dp is asleep, never mind." or at the very most, to give them a shake and ask them if they still want to watch the sodding film. Whipping the covers off so the person is shocked and exposed is a fucking dick move and I don't care what anyone says to the contrary.

This guy is an arsehole.

I can't believe all the victim blaming going on here, nor the apparent ability to make detailed judgement about the state of the relationship based on the two incidents of pranking the OP mentioned. For most people that isn't the norm, for some maybe it is.

What isn't normal or acceptable is violently grabbing your partner by the throat. I can't believe posters basically blaming the op for this & equating this to playing pranks, which they both did prior to this incident. There is absolutely no way she should be blamed for this but that's what some posters are implying.

OP I hope you can get some support in RL & make yourself & DC safe. What a previous poster posted about her DSis being hospitalised made my blood run cold.

WannaBe I disagree. There were boundaries. OP says they prank but no actual violence before. Maybe their boundaries are not the same as yours or mine. He pushed the boundary when he woke her up and she took it in good humour. When he fell asleep leaving her awake with the film on her own she was annoyed. She returned the prank. He then crossed the boundary big time by being physically violent and abusive.

There is no grey area here. Stop trying to make the OP responsible for his actions and what happened to her.

Op it occurs to me that he came home at 1030 with the intention to watch a film even though he was so tired he fell asleep before you finished making food for you and him. He also knew he had to be up for work this early, and you had the school run to do as well.

I don't know your relationship but it sounds like as a whole family unit, there is a lack of boundaries, structure and routine. His behaviour was not responsible and wasn't listening to his body telling him he needed to rest.

I do agree that you should leave a man who shouted in your face and put his hand to your throat. I also understand how hard that could be to do, and for reasons we don't know, you may want to work on the relationship.

As a minimum, I recommend you and he must see a relationship therapist and he must be explicitly honest about what he did in this therapy. You must also be explicitly honest. And self honest. If he tries to blame you, red flag. If he minimises, red flag. If he refuses to attend, I URGE you to leave.

His work life balance is off if he was coming in from work and going straight back out again in the morning.

I dislike how you have been labelled. Please remember the internet, while it masquerades as many things, is purely entertainment to many and your real life crises is an interactive version of eastenders for some of these posters.

Things have gotten out of control but you can't unring a bell. Be brutally honest with yourself and answer some of the questions pp have asked.

Today 10:23 WishIhadaGEG Puts it very well. Better than me - I would probably be (wrongly) struggling with blaming myself in this situation.

This is really horrible. I do hope you are OK OP.

I agree with last PP (and was thinking when I read the OP) that the original OP was horrendous enough. But what he did afterwards was properly aggressive and violent and should result number you leaving him.

If your relationship genuinely involved mutual pranks then maybe I can understand the mutual waking up, although I agree with some PPS that this showed a lack of boundaries in itself. Especially as he presumably knew you were extra tired from being up with ds.

But pranking is something that you can both engage in equally as long as it's not made about strength - both parties can play practical jokes, throw water etc. But violence is something where he as the man has the upper hand and he has used this.

You can hardly live with him now, knowing that he might continue pranking but that you will be scared to respond equally in kind due to fear of his violence. He has put you on an unequal footing and I don't think there's any way back. You will never trust him or feel at ease.

Op what happened this morning? Did he approach you? Did he remember? Did he try pass it off as sleep?

I hope your ok. Can anyone take your ds later so you can get yourself organised/pack his bags/whatever you decide

OP

You might want to get this moved out of AIBU and into relationships

I would normally have zero tolerance for violence, and at the risk of being flamed and being accused of victim blaming, I would like to share my experience. This thread has brought back some bad memories.
Almost 30 years ago I was at a small party at a friends house. We were young and there was a lot of alcohol involved. I fell asleep on the couch and someone thought it would be hilarious to pour water over my head. It went up my nose and it felt like I was drowning. I lunged at the instigator. It was not a rational response. It was an explosive, adrenalin fuelled response. Absolutely fight or flight. There is a reason why water boarding is used as torture. To be woken in such a way is truly terrifying.
On the other hand, I didn't grab anyone by the throat - I just got myself out of the situation. And the previous pranks sound very unpleasant. But I'm not sure it's fair to judge someone too harshly for an automatic response to a terrifying situation. When you're fast asleep, you do not think "someone is pranking me - this is unpleasant".

"You can hardly live with him now, knowing that he might continue pranking but that you will be scared to respond equally in kind due to fear of his violence. He has put you on an unequal footing and I don't think there's any way back. You will never trust him or feel at ease."

That's my feeling too.

"Strangulation (choking/suffocation/drowning): escalating violence, including the use of weapons and attempts at strangulation must be recorded when identifying and assessing risk. This includes all attempts at blocking someone's airway."

• that's the domestic abuse risk assessment.

He came at your throat. He didn't just lash out. please bear that in mind.