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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To chuck water over 'D'P?

435 replies

FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 00:26

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason Angry

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 16/03/2017 20:55

Abusive relationships seem normal till the abuse starts, or the victim becomes aware of it. As I said, he is not taking responsibility by simply saying he is sorry/all his fault.

ToffeeForEveryone · 16/03/2017 21:01

If he'd swung out and hit me I could get my head around the "fight or flight" thing but he didn't lash out, he spoke first then went for me, it wasn't a reflex thing because I gave him a fright with the water.

It's his real character showing. Either he chose to do it or he can't control himself. Either way, you now know what he's capable of.

I'd leave (or kick him out). Don't have someone violent raising your DC.

HoldBackTheRain · 16/03/2017 21:58

The hardest thing you will do will be to leave him. And you might not do it this time, most of us don't, it often takes a lot of abuse before we get out for good.

He will be remorseful and sorry - for a short amount of time. I don't think it will last OP and I think he will make you even more miserable than you are now. I'm sorry - I wish that wasn't the case. But all of us who have been there can only be honest and tell you that we've never met one man like your OH who has changed Sad

Sending you Flowers . I hope you can get out NOW but don't judge you if you don't.

MadMags · 16/03/2017 22:01

This is who he is.

He's a violent abuser. When it comes down to it, it really is that simple.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 22:20

I have been here, twice before. One eho was emotionally controlling and abusive until he punched me one night. He never touched me again but the emotional abuse continued until he eventually chucked me. The next one was physically and financially abusive and a compulsive liar.

I have the benefit of being older and hindsight now and nothing about my partner rings true with someone who could do this to me.

Its so fucked up but part of what's going round in my head is that I'd never want to hurt him by leaving. The thought of causing him any sadness or pain kills me despite what's just happened. I know how ridiculous that sounds given the situation but I can't switch off from it.

We haven't really spoken at all aside from him apologising and me acknowledging that. I havent accepted his apology either but I havent pushed him away.

Ive let my new enployer know that I'd like to go in for the trial shift he offered me tomorrow. It's only for a few hours to learn the ropes so if i can get through that at least I'll have a job which I will definitely need if I intend to move out.

He is still out but due back shortly. I've stayed up and I want to hear him out. I can think more tomorrow when DS is gone and consider how I feel after tonight.

Thankyou all for your posts, for being supportive and helping me to see things clearly. And Flowers for those who have been here before and got through it.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 16/03/2017 22:31

I'm sorry you've been here before. Did you get help from WA, or similar. And did you do the Freedom programme. If not it is well worth it. Reading Living with the Dominator was like an epiphany for me. Hope you get some sleep.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 22:38

The first time round I was in my teens amd far too naive and unaware to really take control of anything.

The second time round I'd just had enough one day, filled my dad's van with his belongings and dumped them at his work.

I never really delt with the effects any of that had on me though, it was only last year I really saw the extent of how the first relationship had affected me. I had locked it away in a box in my mind and it was only after I started talking therapy for my other MH issues that I started to realise how bad it was.

I will look into the Freedom programme and the book you've suggested. Thankyou

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 16/03/2017 22:48

Keep indifferent darling until you know what you're doing. You know what i mean Flowers

NaiceBiscuits · 16/03/2017 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 16/03/2017 23:10

Hope you're ok Thanks

WishIhadaGEG · 16/03/2017 23:30

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your past experiences. You don't deserve this again.

You say you are not agoraphobic but have anxiety. I only mentioned it because I picked up what you said in a post before that. Hope I didn't offend. Anyway, regardless of labels, you say your bedroom is your "safe place", which makes his actions even more significant and damaging to you, since he has now violated your safe place. No wonder you are in pieces, let alone the fact that it happened anyway.

His apologies - it may seem overly cynical, but could he be feeling genuinely sorry... for himself, that he let his self control go, that he put his relationship and place to live at risk, that he showed you his true self?

Ime, apologies are often made in the interests of the apologiser and not the apologisee.

Has he explained why he did this, and how he will ensure it never happens again?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/03/2017 23:56

Fringy, your story rang so many bells! My first marriage was abusive, then I went into a rebound who just treated me like shit! After that, I went to a counselor and when she asked me what I wanted from counseling I told her "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop!". It took 18 months of hard work (and NO dating)but I got there in the end.

If you feel you want to leave, do so without regret. If something isn't right for you, that's a valid reason to leave. What's NOT a valid reason is staying because you don't want to hurt the other person. That's dishonest, for both of you.

If you feel you want to stay, then I think you and he should seek counseling. It might be short term to work through this one incident, it might be longer if other, deeper unseen problems are there. It may work, it may not, but at least you'll know you tried.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 17/03/2017 00:39

What I want is for last night to never have happened Sad I don't want to hurt him by leaving but putting that aside, I thought he was the one. I spent several years after the last horrible relationship concentrating on myself and my son. I was happy being single and hadn't really given a future with someone much thought at all. I can honestly say I have never been so happy and conent, felt so safe and loved and important as I do with DP. Letting that go is going to be so hard.

He's home now, we're sitting together more or less in silence (not hostile silence) but he's not begging or pleading or apologising any more. Not that I think there is any way for him to excuse or justify what he did, but the fact that he isn't trying to push me or plead with me is sort of comforting, I do think he's trying to take things at my pace and not invade the space I have asked for.

From past experience, my exs would do or say something horrible then beg and plead and guilt me into forgiving them, shower me with affection and how much they love me etc etc. I suppose it was just an extension of the abuse but I was never allowed time or space to process anything they did to me. He is definitely not following that sort of script.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 17/03/2017 00:56

The script here is very variable.

My XH did the early stuff much as you described. By the end more like what you are experiencing. I really loved him, and found it so difficult to (eventually leave).

Is he saying he is going to do something himself? I know you might not be ready to go, but don't kid yourself. He has physically abused you, and will again without intervention (of his own).

MsPavlichenko · 17/03/2017 00:59

Bluntly. He assaulted you, as previous partners did. Because he is not harassing you (in whatever way ) as they did you feel pleased. Think about it.

southall · 17/03/2017 03:37

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
FringyFringe · 17/03/2017 04:36

You've hit the nail on the head there southall I sought him out because I actually like being physically assaulted and when it didn't happen quick enough for my liking, I decided to provoke him into doing it.

Makes sense now, thanks for that. Where did you get your psychology degree? A fucking lucky bag?

OP posts:
SunnySideDownUp · 17/03/2017 04:58

Seriously Southall? Your posts are incredibly nasty and judgemental.

OP, sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault. Flowers

tillytown · 17/03/2017 05:34

Southall stop with your victim blaming nonsense

PollytheDolly · 17/03/2017 05:46

Southall. Be quiet

PollytheDolly · 17/03/2017 05:53

Fringe, he sounds in shock too. I think , although inexcusable, this could have been a one off. You're doing the right thing. Let him stew and process. You're not going to allow abuse, you're too wise now. Hope you both find a resolution and can move forwards.

(Advice from my fucking lucky bag Smile)

Anyway, have you even slept?

Atitsgratter · 17/03/2017 05:59

Time to stop the "jokes"

category12 · 17/03/2017 06:36

I think, if you look at the 'pranks' actually as boundary testing - which I think they are/were. And he initiated them and does them until you're tired of it, then with this episode of (very serious because throat) violence, seems a pattern of behaviour. I would not consider it as a one-off. It's another assault on your boundaries but this time revealing its true nature, not hidden by deniability.

skerrywind · 17/03/2017 06:58

Why would you even want to "play" in this arena?

Something children do to find trigger points, to test how temper rises to find fun in making others feel annoyed.

It's playing in the gutter, and risky.

HopefullyAnonymous · 17/03/2017 07:05

PollytheDolly sadly it is never a one off, unless one person leaves after the first incident!

OP, as hard as it is, you need to face up to the fact that he absolutely will do this again. You are not safe, your DS is not safe. You need to find the strength to do what you need to do as it gets harder and harder to leave as time goes on.