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Original poster

To chuck water over 'D'P?

435 replies

FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 00:26

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason Angry

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 16/03/2017 16:30

Fringe I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a gentle hug Sad

NONE of this is your fault. None.

How did you manage to overcome your agoraphobia? Is there anyone you can contact to get help? Are there any techniques you can use?

Peanutbutterrules · 16/03/2017 16:35

Hey OP - I'm no expert but I think anything 'throat' related is a huge red flag. This wasn't a slap, it was a very dangerous assault.

Maybe it will only be once; but you'll be afraid for the rest of your life if you stay together. Always being careful not to 'set him off'.

Its no way to live. The line has been crossed and can't be uncrossed.

WannaBe · 16/03/2017 16:50

There is also your DS to think about here. If he witnessed violence, if he hears you talking about the incident, if it happens again and he mentions it to someone it's very likely someone could report to SS. Is his father in the picture? How would he react to knowing his DS was in the same house while this man was pinning you to the wall.

You owe it to him to leave this relationship now

NewPuppyMum · 16/03/2017 16:53

I was with someone who hit me out of the blue. Then again. Then he hurt my pet so I left as I knew if he could hurt a defenceless young animal he could hurt me. Of course forgetting he already had.

HarmlessChap · 16/03/2017 17:00

I wouldn't be happy being roused from a sleepy state with cold water.

I'm not seeking to be an apologist but I wonder if the shock of it triggered a massive adrenaline dump causing a fight or flight response. Such responses are primal, instinctive and not subject to consideration of the consequences as they are a survival mechanism.

Jaysis · 16/03/2017 17:15

You can hardly live with him now, knowing that he might continue pranking but that you will be scared to respond equally in kind due to fear of his violence. He has put you on an unequal footing and I don't think there's any way back. You will never trust him or feel at ease.

^^ this. He's moved the goalposts. He can prank you all he likes now and you'll be too scared to respond in kind. He will now have you treading on eggshells, dreading the next explosion.

I've been there with the bruised windpipe. I was in shock for a long time. Now I look back in horror that his loss of control in those few seconds meant I was seconds away from brain damage or death. The next time he could have been drunker, squeezed that little bit more, or for longer. I feel very lucky that I left before there was a next time.

category12 · 16/03/2017 17:21

HarmlessChap, he was quite happy to throw back the sheets and put a cold can on her to wake her up, tho - I don't see a massive difference between that and cold water to the back in a sitting position. Throttling your beloved against a wall is a big jump in reaction.

OP, you haven't lived with him long and you say that you get a bit fed up of his constant 'pranking'. I think you're right to ask for some space tonight, and to do some serious thinking about where this relationship is going.

magoria · 16/03/2017 17:39

You need to call the police and end your relationship.

If this happens again your DC could end up motherless.

Gallavich · 16/03/2017 17:50

You don't really know him, you haven't been together that long. You can't say this is out of character.

WishIhadaGEG · 16/03/2017 18:10

Glad you are back on the thread OP. And that you got some rest today. How horrible for you that it has triggered your agoraphobia. Hope you have some RL help to overcome/manage this.

I agree to get some space and work out your next steps. How can he earn your trust ever again? How can you feel comfortable and safe with him again? The next time, and there will be a next time, things could be much worse. Don't put yourself and your DS through that. Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2017 18:12

I can understand why someone shocked out of sleep could lash out or kick in the moment. I cannot understand how they would talk to the other person, swear at them and hold them by their throats against the wall. One is fight/flight response, the other is domestic violence. harmless you are coming over as a DV apologist.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 19:17

I don't have agoraphobia but I have anxiety and social anxiety and when it's bad I become afraid to leave "safe" places like the car or my bedroom. It may sound trivial but since I've been with him it's got so much better to the point I don't even think about it now. I went to open the car door today and just froze. I don't know why because being outside has nothing to do with what happened last night.

He is home from work, he has apologised again and again and I've asked him to stop, it's not making anything better. He hasn't tried to minimise or shift blame though.

I want to cry and lash out and for him to know how hurt and upset I am but I'm just numb. I've got no fight in me to even express what I'm feeling or thinking. I've let him hold me and lie beside me because I don't know what else to do.

If he'd swung out and hit me I could get my head around the "fight or flight" thing but he didn't lash out, he spoke first then went for me, it wasn't a reflex thing because I gave him a fright with the water.

OP posts:
HopefullyAnonymous · 16/03/2017 19:18

What would happen to your DS, should anything happen to you?

This is not a one off; sadly it never is. You need to put your safety and that of your son above all else. You are not safe there, however much you wish for this not to be happening.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/03/2017 19:19

I think telling him you need 24 hours (or whatever) to compose yourself and think is a very good idea.

'Pranking' is something that I never do. I hate it and I don't approve of it at all. But my DH and sons love it and prank each other. They just know never to do it do me. So I'm not going to venture an opinion on whether or not it's 'healthy' in a relationship as I'm biased.. It certainly hasn't affected my DH or DSs. But 'pranking' me would be a deal breaker.

All I will say is that if you decide the pranking is 'ok' with you and there's nothing 'nefarious' in your DH's pranking , I think you and he need to set some boundaries. And no pranking a sleeping person would be the first thing to agree on!

As far as his temper, you know, I've known a few people who have seemed so calm and easy-going but when circumstances were 'right', they became violent in that split-second. It wasn't every time they got mad, it was just a particular set of circumstances that provoked a violent reaction.

Even if you haven't seen 'this side' of him before, I think it's a good idea to think carefully about his reaction to things like losing keys, a repair not going well, getting stuck in traffic, making a foolish mistake. Does he blow a fuse, get angry at himself? Just give things a thought.

tillytown · 16/03/2017 19:23

OP, I just read the whole thing, despite what some of the posters have said, his reaction wasn't your fault Flowers

I hope you are feeling better.

MadMags · 16/03/2017 19:25

What was his excuse then?

Please, please Tell him to go. You need space, not holding!

AllllGooone · 16/03/2017 19:28

The waking you with a cold can etc made my stomach flip, let alone the rest of the post. I'd be out of there pdq.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 19:51

He hasn't tried to excuse himself or justify it at all, just apologised and said he went too far and that he's sorry.

He has gone out to see his parents and I've stayed at home. He offered to stay but I wanted him to go. I've asked him to leave me alone if I'm in our bedroom when he gets back- whether I'm awake or not, if I'm in there it means I don't want to talk and that I need more time. It's up to him if he decides to come home or stay out.

He has asked how he can make it up to me and I've told him he can't, that it's done and nothing will change it. There's now a complete shift in how I feel about our relationship and about him, even though I love him, I'm not sure any more if he is the person I thought he was. I'm heartbroken.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 16/03/2017 19:56

His remorse, and you allowing him to comfort you is also typical, as I know myself. He is minimising as he is still there. His cuddling of you is also a way of him feeling better, "it can't be the end, she is letting me do this" You still love him, so you also want to help him.

The only way forward is for you to tell others, including the police and ask him to go. If it really is an aberration then this is his opportunity to seek help whether he is in a relationship with you or not. He should want to do this. If not, well you'll be posting again I'm afraid.

Lelloteddy · 16/03/2017 20:09

You are kidding yourself if you think that this is a normal, healthy relationship.

FireSquirrel · 16/03/2017 20:12

I'm so sorry that this happened to you :(

I think however long you've known someone for and however well you think you know them, you never really know them until you've lived with them. There are things people do behind closed doors that they would never ever dream of doing in public or in front of anyone else. In pretty much every case of domestic abuse, friends and family struggle to believe it, they say the abuser has a heart of gold, could never hurt a fly etc. Abusers are often friendly and well thought of by the people around them, that's exactly how they get away with abusing.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 20:34

Everything was fine until last night Lello.

He's gone out and I've put DS to bed. I'm not even sure what to do now, I don't feel ready to involve anyone else yet. DS will be away from 9am tomorrow so I can focus on getting myself sorted over the weekend.

I'm supposed to have a trial shift at a new job tomorrow night and now I'm struggling to leave the house. How the fuck did it all come to this?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2017 20:42

Why does he say it happened? Because although he's not justifying it, he's also not explaining how he thinks this is not going to happen again.

It usually does happen again. Almost always. And choking/strangulation is the most dangerous act, which he STARTED with.

ClopySow · 16/03/2017 20:44

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It must be awful.

You can only do what you're capable of at the moment. Don't be hard on yourself and don't feel pressure from MN. People are here to support you.

fulloffunreally · 16/03/2017 20:46

I think I would be afraid of this happening again.

The fact that it has affected you WRT anxiety is telling. I hope you will be ok.