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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To chuck water over 'D'P?

435 replies

FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 00:26

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason Angry

OP posts:
WishIhadaGEG · 16/03/2017 13:26

southall just stop. OP has already said she is concerned other women suffering abuse will be put off seeking online support with your type of vilifying posts. she may not return to this thread now I fear.

StandAndBeCounted · 16/03/2017 13:37

How long have the two of you been together? I ask because if its anything up to a year n he's behaved like this then you haven't really known him long enough to say its 'out of character'. If its 5 years and he genuinely has never done anything at all like this before then I'd be inclined to forgive him this one transgression, making him suffer for some time ensuring he realizes the severity of what he's done, and making it clear that if anything like this ever happens again you will walk.

Def have this moved to relationships too

babybubblescomingsoon · 16/03/2017 13:59

Hope you're ok OP. Flowers

ClopySow · 16/03/2017 14:22

I doubt the OP will come back. Can't blame her. Some fucking hideous posts on this thread.

plainjanine · 16/03/2017 14:24

OP, I hope you are OK.

I understand your reluctance, but I think it would be good for you to speak to the police about this - if nothing else, to ask whether he has any history of DV. Because at this point, you really do need to know.

ohfourfoxache · 16/03/2017 14:41

I absolutely fucking despair of this place sometimes Angry

daisychain01 · 16/03/2017 15:00

Saying you'd stab someone even in jest is bloody irresponsible and has no place on MN. It shouldn't be minimised as a joke.

I bet the OPs partner says that all the time when he prods her awake, shoves her up against the wall etc " but I was only joking". Its plain GF

WateryTart · 16/03/2017 15:17

FFS the poor OP comes here for some support and this is what she gets.

Some real bitches here trying to rub in the salt.

ThymeLord · 16/03/2017 15:18

Of course the OP isn't going to come back. 10 pages of troll hunting and people telling her she asked for it? Yes, i'm sure she is feeling believed and supported right now. Well done.

MadMags · 16/03/2017 15:37

I'd be inclined to forgive him this one transgression, making him suffer for some time

A transgression? He fucking assaulted her!

Make him suffer until he learns his lesson.

Who wants to bet someone will be along to tell her to withhold sex...???

Original poster
FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 15:38

Hi all, I made the bed this morning when I got home then crawled into it. I crashed out so apologies for not coming back.

DP has been apologising over text, he has also said that he doesn't ever want anything like that to happen again. I have told him that he hurt me and that he scared the shit out of me and that there's a world of difference between chucking a bit of water on someone's back and physically pinning them against a wall to the point it makes them afraid and in pain. He agrees.

A PP pointed out that someone poured a whole load of water over her head and it went up her nose, made her panic etc. I'm sorry that happened to you and it sounds really terrifying but this was a completely different scenario. DP was already sitting upright because I had put the light on and it was a couple of inches of water from a glass, chucked onto the back of his shirt, he then went for me.

I can understand what people are saying about winding each other in this way not being healthy, maybe it isn't but I can't bring myself to believe it warrants this reaction. If I had punched him in the face when he put a cold can on my skin would that have been justified? No, it wouldn't and I'd be devastated if I'd reacted in that way and hurt him and scared him.

I've known him for nine years, though we've not been together in all that time and have lived together for less than a year. He is generally a very gentle and placid person, he's never even raised his voice to me until last night. He is kind to his friends and his family and generally well thought of including by people on "my side" who know him.

Waking me up to watch a film is fine, generally when we're not larking about he'll shake me a bit and ask if I want to get up and if I don't he'll leave me. If I don't want woken I'll let him know to leave me be before he gets home so that in itself isn't a problem, though I appreciate why it would piss some people off.

Maybe winding each other up isn't healthy, it never goes as far as it did last night. Usually it's things like him tickling my feet on the way up the stairs or turning the bathroom light off if he's in the shower, going in for a kiss then blowing a raspberry on my cheek instead, that sort of thing. PPs are right though, I very rarely start it but it does usually make me laugh and whilst I sometimes get a bit tired of it I've never felt threatened or scared or out of control before.

I'm going to do as PPs advised and ask for my thread to be moved over. As thick skinned as I am, blaming me for my partner's violence and calling me a liar really isn't helpful and whilst I'm not a crying quivering wreck at the moment, I'm not really in a place to just brush that off.

Thanks to all those who have been supportive and objective in your replies. I don't know where to go from here yet. DP is going to visit family tonight and my mum is picking DS up tomorrow to stay with her for the weekend so that buys me some time to get my shit together should I need it.

Sorry if I haven't managed to answer everyone properly, there are alot of posts.

Flowers
OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 16/03/2017 15:48

Hi OP. Glad you're back.

Take care of yourself Flowers

PollytheDolly · 16/03/2017 15:48

Oh and yeah, stop the pranks. Be a good start Wink

ThymeLord · 16/03/2017 15:49

Take care of yourself OP.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/03/2017 15:52

If I'd decided to have an early night because of poor sleep the night before, I'd be fairly pissed off if my partner woke me up to watch a film with them.
If they woke me with gentle music and a bunch of flowers, I'd still be pissed off.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 16/03/2017 15:54

We're sending this over to relationships for the OP now.

MadMags · 16/03/2017 15:55

Honestly it doesn't matter how long you've known him.

You've lived with him less than a year.

The saying "if you want to get to know me come and live with me" exists for a reason.

I would put my mortgage on this being the tip of the iceberg.

Sallystyle · 16/03/2017 15:58

Ffs, nobody has blamed anyone. The fact here is that this was an unhealthy relationship from the outset. It's entirely possible to recognise this fact and that recognission not be equal to saying that she was asking for it.

This exactly. People are determined to see it as victim blaming to point out that the relationship is unhealthy and they were both taking part in shitty behaviour, but that is not an excuse for him doing what he did and his behaviour was worse, criminal and LTB worthy.

I don't think there have been bitches on this thread at all (except the troll hunters). It's unfair to accuse people of victim blaming when no one has told the OP it's her fault and that she deserved what she got. She didn't, but it's also ok to go further into the situation and point out the unhealthy dynamics of the whole situation and that all along his pranks were probably not just innocent good natured fun but passive aggressive, which they both might have been part of.

I repeat that the OP did NOT deserve what happened to her for one second.

There would be no second chances from me. Please don't accuse people of victim blaming unless they have actually said she deserved it and if someone has said she deserved it please point out where so I can join in with telling them to stfu.

MsPavlichenko · 16/03/2017 15:59

If you have been living together less than a year then I'm afraid you really cannot know that this is at all out of character for him. His public persona to you and others is only that. It doesn't matter how sorry he is, there is no excuse for what he did, As you know it is likely to be the first violent act, rather than a one off.

Do please think about reporting this, and ask him to go at least for now. His response to this, and what actions he is prepared to make will tell you a lot. If he is angry with you, well there you are.

Already the balance of your relationship is changed. You'll probably always wake up to watch a film with him now? Think about it. And please please tell someone in real life. You have nothing to be ashamed off.

Sallystyle · 16/03/2017 15:59

As thick skinned as I am, blaming me for my partner's violence and calling me a liar really isn't helpful and whilst I'm not a crying quivering wreck at the moment, I'm not really in a place to just brush that off.

No one blamed you. It is not your fault that he pinned you against the wall Thanks

Sallystyle · 16/03/2017 16:00

As you know it is likely to be the first violent act, rather than a one off.

Sadly, it's never a one off. Please be careful OP.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 16:08

I might ask him if he could stay with his parents tonight. He is going to play his sport with his dad and could stay there after and give me some more space. I haven't been out of bed today other than to pick up DS and i don't want to get up again.

I have agoraphobic tendancies which have actually got alot better since being with DP but now I dont want to leave my room. I had to psych myself up to open the car door and go to the school gate earlier, I havent felt like that in a long time. I just want to hide.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 16/03/2017 16:11

You have seen a side of him that is there OP. Don't be fooled into thinking it won't happen again.
It doesn't matter whether he has never done it before in the nine years you have known him. You should be very wary and remember how frightened you felt when he did do that to you.

WannaBe · 16/03/2017 16:26

No-one has blamed you OP.

One violent incident like this is one too many though.

Let's be honest here, if it was a slap it would still be one slap too many, but one might get over that on the basis that it was a reflex reaction iyswim. I wouldn't personally but people do. But pinning someone up against the wall by the throat is into serious violence territory, there's not a huge leap from there to killing someone, and that's no exaggeration.

You need to think very seriously about why you are even considering continuing a relationship like this, where a boundary has been overstepped to the point that there is no going back. All the apologies in the world can't undo what he did. He can never make up for pinning you to the wall by the throat. No matter how he apologises or how remorseful he is. If he's genuinely remorseful then he will also realise that he doesn't deserve forgiveness and should be prepared for this relationship to end.

MadMags · 16/03/2017 16:28

So he's triggered your mh issue.

He's gone off to work, completely unaffected but I'll bet you will never again "prank" him the way he has you.

He has shown you who he is, behind closed doors, no mask, no public persona.

Don't live a life walking on eggshells and don't let your ds grow up thinking this is how relationships are.