DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

I think he is in a new role with promises of future good things but it's not everything he thought or one of his new team is causing aggravation or its just the stress of learning a new job while being expected to perform, or he as discovered the previous incumbent has left him a huge fuck up to fix.

You moved in together after 8 months and had a baby??? Or baby was yrs before he moved in??? Either way you don't know this man..you can't possibly after such a short time..he's either decided he's made a mistake moving in with you or got another woman,or lost his job..

To be honest, it was crazy of you to move you and your daughter in with a man you hardly knew and then become financially dependent on him.

Save up and move out and please don't ever get yourself into this kind of situation again. Your DD will be much better off not having this man in her life.

He is not worth the hard work and you and your DD deserve a lot better.

I had this with DP. I discovered he broke some 'rules' and left pending disciplinary. I opened at letter sent to out home address. I can always tell if it's work related.

Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, it's the behaviour itself that's problematic. So if he does turn round and admit he's lost his job, that doesn't excuse his behaviour choices which include lying and gaslighting. He's unlikely to change his behaviour in the future when he's facing difficulties in his life.
He's showing you who he is.

He's an abuser, he's only now showing his true colours.
It won't get any better just worse.
My ex was like this, after a wonderful 6ish months. He always had an excuse for his behaviour, work stress, depression, childhood trauma etc! I finally left as it escalated a few times and the moods were unbearable.
Its only been a week and I can already see more clearly all the abuse that was going on.
I was like you and had left another abuser before.
Please get some money together and end it, it really won't get any better.

I have a little bit of cash squirrelled away but would be much better placed to move if I waited for a couple more pay dates... so roughly six weeks. I've been involved in a court case for about a year and so any extra cash has been allocated to paying off barrister fees, etc. Now that's paid for I'm able to save. DP has been massively supportive throughout the court case.

We only moved in as a temporary measure as I was between places (dodgy landlord then waiting for new place to be available) and it went so well we agreed to make it permanent. In hindsight I realise this was foolish. But DP decorated DDs bedroom for her, which was lovely of him.

The moodiness has crept in but he's always been direct with people. He's a private person and doesn't have many friends - I've met his best friend a couple of times but they haven't spent time together outside of work for absolutely ages. They used to pursue an outdoorsy hobby together and despite my encouragement DP hasn't socialised or embarked on his interests for over a year. He isn't in touch with his own family, he cut them off many years ago. He can be a bit of a loner to be honest! I wondered if he was depressed. He's so negative. For example, I bought a card for our neighbours who have just had a baby girl and their son is in DD's class, his response was "Why did you buy them a card? You don't even know them!" Then I felt the need to justify myself.

I still feel quite torn to be honest. What if he is stressed and depressed and needs support? But what if he's just a moody cunt?

It's not a relationship I would want my dc to see me tolerating. Imagine your dd was a single mum: would you be happy if she was putting up with her dp behaving like this.

As you said your mind is all foggy and this is what happens when someone isn't treating you right and you're trying hard to square it all. The fog clears once you face it for what it is.

Ok, well that sounds like quite a list of flags that could signal any number of things.

Depression often makes people negative, critical and aggressive rather than 'low'. It may be a personality thing, social issues....

None of it makes him easier to live with.

I would back right off for a bit. Not in a PA sulk, but just get in with your own life, be cheery, polite, etc, and if he is rude or unpleasant just say 'I'm not prepared to be spoken to like that so I'm off to read / watch Tv / fold Dd's clothes until you are in a mood to talk '. And walk away.

It's really common to go from a physically abusive bully to a verbally abusive one. The relationships board is full of women who made this mistake.

These assholes know you are vulnerable. They promise you the world. You are scared, vulnerable and need desperately to believe in a happy ever after. It's totally understandable that you fall for it.

Once you are in the mask slips but they are careful. They think if they don't physically touch you they are fine because they "would never hit you like your ex did" they use this as a constant reason to defend themselves if you pull them up on it. They also assume that you will take more shit from them because a lot of the time verbal abuse was your norm but physical abuse made you leave.

They get away with it because often a violent ex has done such a number on you that you don't realise this verbal battering isn't normal. Your perception is screwed and
You think if you aren't being hit it's
All ok.

Huge well done for starting to see through his bullshit. Get your leaving fund together and get out. Give him the two months you need to get things together. Don't get into fights, don't pry, just see what happens. See if he starts to trust you or continues to shout at you.

Unless he changes totally in that time get yourself and your daughter out and safe. Go do the freedom course with women's aid. They can help you spot the signs and stay out of these assholes clutches.

Co-dependency is not a good thing.
You cannot SAVE this asshole. Sorry but you can't.
Stop trying.
You need to save yourself and your DD.
You and she should be your priority, not this abusive dick-head.
Did you do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme when you left your previous abusive relationship?
If not, call them and enrol to do it.
You really need to avoid these men in future.
Start looking at rentals and an escape route.
I would suggest going to parents but not in your situation.
They are the ones who have taught you to accept this behaviour.
Counselling is a great idea and I hope you get some soon.
But please please please, leave asap.
This will NOT improve.

FWIW, I think he's lost his job or has another woman.

would back right off for a bit. Not in a PA sulk, but just get in with your own life, be cheery, polite,

I would back right off for a bit. Not in a PA sulk, but just get in with your own life, be cheery, polite, etc

This is fine if it's a grumpy work colleague but this is her life partner. He's supposed to be her main source of support, the place she goes for comfort. She doesn't need to learn how to handle him, she needs it to stop/get out.

You know, it doesn't matter why he's behaving like this. The fact is that you've been together a really short time and it's not long enough to put up with this type of behaviour. If he's depressed, he needs to sort it out. Not take it out on you and your DD.

Don't feel like you 'owe' him because he's been nice to you in the past. You don't. That's how emotional abusers work.

Six weeks isn't long. You can start looking for somewhere now, work out your escape plan.

And why are you clearing up after his pets? It's his puppy - he can wash the floor if its done a wee!

It makes me really sad when you talk of how he used to be nicer, saying "always been" or "in the past", as if that's convinced you that the good guy was his true character and this "recently" is the new thing. It's only been 20 months. That is nothing, really it isn't. It's barely begun and it's already shit and this is how he is. Let it go with no regrets, move out and move on. And definitely don't move in with a man so quickly again. Stick with your resolve for that 6-week deadline, get out of there and don't be swayed if he suddenly goes back to how he "always" was. This is how he is when he's stopped making the effort and it's unacceptable.

I get so depressed reading about relationships like that. Doesn't it make you just long to get out?

If he speaks to people at work half as badly as he speaks to you, then he's been demoted at the very least.

Whatever his issues with his job he is treating you like shit. Either he has some massive problem that he can't share with you or he is just a dick who managed to hide it until now. Either way you can't carry on like this. I would give him an ultimatum, shape up or you will ship out.

I've sent a text telling him I'm going to eat with DD this evening and explained it's stressful preparing food for us whilst simultaneously doing bedtime stuff. I don't always gave time for a story and this is so wrong. I offered to pick him up something for tea and his response was quite curt.

At least it's a start, in terms of asserting myself and prioritising DD over his needs.

I'm really sad about it but agree that things are not healthy the way they are.

I know he's never had a grevience against him at work. But I suppose this move could be difficult for him. Maybe he does regret us moving in? The thought has crossed my mind.

You don't know he hasn't had a grievance against him, though. You know what he's told you.

I'd be tempted to do as deadringer says an ultimatum shape up or you will ship out. At least then you've given him a chance.

If it is a demotion/he's finding work hard/been fired/depressed etc I'd want the person I was in a relationship with to actually tell me, so give him a chance to tell you what's wrong. If there's radio silence you know what to do.

Definitely do the Freedom programme if you haven't already. It's good that you've made a start with asserting yourself but a text offering to get him something for tea is still pretty lovely and he was still an arse about it. It might be hard for you to do this alone so please try to join the programme and get some real life support.

Why would you want to be with someone with whom you can't have a decent conversation?

I ask dp about his day at work everyday, if he were to swear at me and storm off I'd be telling him to go fuck himself and packing his thing.

20 months?? This should still be your honeymoon period!

Sounds like he doesn't care any more. I'd give serious consideration to leavijng. He sounds awful.

I do actually love the guy! I wish it wasn't this way. But I have to be honest with myself and this thread had been a bit of a wake up call.

I'd already made plans to save a get out fund just in case but I now know this is something I need to do. Now.

I think six weeks is a sensible time frame for getting myself sorted. I've checked on the entitled to website to see if I'm eligible for tax credits for childcare and I am so our standard of living won't suffer if we move out.

This is gonna be hard but I need to be strong for DD.

Thank you so much for all your replies

I feel like one of the case studies I studied during my sociology A level!

I just so badly want to provide a stable, happy and loving home for DD. I hope I'm not too broken to achieve that for her.