DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

I thought demotion.

But then I also wondered why on earth you'd move your child in with a man after only 8 months or so of dating?

Wow, thank you for all your replies. They're difficult to read but exactly what I need.

I've recently realised that my parents are engulfing narcissists and my DF in particular is a total bully. They fell out with both my sis and I (separately) at Christmas for not towing the family line! I'm on beta blockers for anxiety and self referring for counselling... I've been through a lot since my abusive marriage. The comment about going from one bully to another really resonates. I honestly thought he was a good guy, I feel slightly guilty for posting about him but his behaviour contradicts my good guy theory.

You've all really given me something to think about and deep down I know what I need to do.

Oh dear. You have to face the possibility this grumpy bastard is who he actually is, you haven't known him that long.

It's a better lesson for your dd that you leave someone who is a shit to you, than you stick it out no matter what. That's a good lesson.

You need to have an exit plan. And even if he improves and you don't need to leave, you need an exit plan - you have made yourself vulnerable by moving into his house unmarried.

You need to be in a position where you are choosing to be in a relationship with him, not stuck in it. That's the way it should work.

I wish you strength and all the best Busy.

You don't have to accept being treated like this. It isn't the norm, although sadly being in a previous abusive relationship, I understand that it is difficult to see sometimes. I agree with Category, that its an example to your dd as well.

There could be something wrong that he doesn't want to tell you about. When he is home on a day off, ask him what's wrong. Don't tell him he's being a git, just say you've noticed he isn't happy and you are wondering what's wrong. He may (sorry) be regretting you having moved in. He may have lost his job or been demoted/disciplined. He may hate his new job and find it hard. He may have depression. Hopefully, if you come at it in a non accusatory way, he'll be able to explain something. You may be able to tell him how destructive his behaviour is, and that he needs some strategies to manage his feelings better so he doesn't take it out on you and DD.

In the meantime, start saving.

I reckon he's been demoted. Although a sideways move would be a demotion in my industry anyway.

It would explain his unhappiness and his unwillingness to talk about it (although nothing excuses those things) and he's probably under a fair bit of pressure to do overtime or find another source of money before he tells you if it pays less.

That said he could be being a knob because he doesn't like March for al that it matters, he can't treat you or your DD like this.

You need counselling before moving your dd in with men who have a profound impact on her life!

You don't appease any man who disrepects you for starters!

Moodiness on such a level is abusive and you are acting like a doormat and trying to be supportive to a man by allowing him to treat you and your dd dispicably.

Op WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Fgs PUT YOUR DD FIRST

All you and these men are teaching her is how to behave with men as you are all her role models.

Next time wait a bit before moving in with someone.

He's been sacked. If your relationship with him was healthy he would've told you straight away and you could have helped him get through it. He is choosing to lie to you about work and even worse, he is taking out his frustration on you. That is not a man I would want around my dc.

I too think job loss or demotion, more likely loss as they seem to have thrown him a leaving do. Do you never see his payslips or bank info? Is he still paying his way? Is he still spending on himself the way he was previously? What's he told his family?

"Moving your child into a man's house after just 8 months together is not a particularly great idea." This.

I'm also a Lp I wouldn't move in with someone until I knew them VERY well and that would include meeting their family and friends including colleagues, knowing properly what they do for a living.

I wouldn't even introduce my child to anyone I'd known less than 6 months. I find it very hard to understand parents that do this.

But I understand you've a skewed perspective due to a poor foo and abusive ex.

Move out asap, he's not open and honest, he's verbally and emotionally abusive to you AND your dd.

Can you move to a cheaper area? Could you get any help from council/ha?

When you have moved out get some counselling and in future don't even think about moving in with someone/introducing to your daughter until you know them VERY well and over a decent period of time.

Learn what the red flags for abuse are (everyone's on best behaviour for first year I'd say), why previous relationships ended, how they cope with difficulties...

I think I've seen said on mn something along lines of 'a less worse bastard is still a bastard' just because he doesn't hit doesn't mean he's not abusive.

Good luck for getting away from this dick!

Ok, if it's always been good and this has just come up since the job thing, I think that right now you don't need to leave, but yes you need an exit strategy and you need to try to work out what's wrong with him. From the way you've posted it seems something has went badly wrong with his job.

He's admitted he's stressed so knows his behaviour is off. It may be he is unable to communicate or interact when he is struggling hard with something. How long has this been going on for.?

No need to be horrible Tenshi, there are a lot of psychological complexities at play with this sort of relationship. Men like this are predators.

Today, phone his work reception and ask to be put through to him. You'll know soon enough if he's been sacked. You can ask them his new job title if he's still there.

My first thought reading your op was you can't know him very well after 20 months. Whatever is going on he is taking it out on you and your daughter and that's not on. I think you need to directly tell him that.

Was he all sweetness and light before this job move or was he always moody and grumpy? With moody people, you start tiptoeing around them, afraid to set them off and you can never relax. I would never live with someone like that again.

Why have you put yourself - and your child! - in a position financially where you cannot just move out?

If you ever move in with someone again, you must keep separate savings that are enough to cover starting rental costs. You should never put yourself in a position that you are in the house of a nasty bully and can't just leave (well, you can: you can present as homeless to your council)

As others have said, the job is a red herring - he's treating you like shit and your sex life is crap.

i feel like a doormat
No. You are acting like a doormat.
That's different.
Why did you cook the fuckers tea?
Make your own and leave him to starve if he can help out.

Regarding the job: being an arsehole to you may not be hiding the job change.

He may want to split up (it doesn't sound like a happy relationship) but he's also moved too fast. And now he has a woman who can't afford to just go and her child in his house. Which means he could feel pressured about staying with you. Answer: be an arsehole until you have enough and move out. Result: he's not the bad guy throwing a child out because you left him.

The canteen argument speaks volumes about his personality. Who does that?

If he's been moved teams, my money is on it being because he has bullied someone in the old team and his work aren't dealing with it properly.

How's it going, op?

The way you describe his job, I wonder if he is In the health service. My son works for LAS and never talks about it. He does 12 hour shifts, is under enormous pressure, works with some poor managers, sees horrific things on a daily basis and has to put up with entitled time-wasters. I Know all this, not through him but through his colleagues.

Although I am in no way making excuses for your DP, stress may be a better explanation than some expounded on here. I do know that a lot of LAS staff have relationship problems due to the unrealistic demands put on them.

I see what you're saying Astrantia, about LAS workers not talking about it. But how many have not even had one short conversation to tell their partner - when directly asked - what they do?

This man has not said "in my new job I do xyz - but, it's hard and I prefer to just leave it all behind when I come home, is that OK?"

Uniformed service sounds like he's been put through the discipline process. At best he's been suspended pending investigation at worst that has happened hence the 'sideways' move but has now been dismissed. Who's home is it? You need an exit plan.

Ffs op open your eyes & get out! You moved to soon into another bad relationship. Save up get out & stay single for a few years.

Either way...20 months in cut your loses. ...i rhink he has lits his job. But he does sound abusive too. ..follow him to 'work'?...maybe not. But your priority is DD...get out .

Typos...early

My love, balance of probability here...

It takes on average between 18m and 2 years for an abuser to lose the ability/energy to keep up the pretence of being a decent human being.

If you have a history of abusive partners, even with Herculean effort that heal and remain focused on healthy relationships, untilnyou have fixed your self esteem, done the therapy and worked out your vulnerabilities, you are statistically EXTREMELY likely to be targeted by another abuser.

I initially thought he had someone else, the truth is tho love that HE IS THE SOMEONE ELSE.

Get him out of your lives, the sooner the better.