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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
SanitysSake · 14/03/2017 00:26

Smells to me like he's lost his job too... Sorry to say x

bloodyteenagers · 14/03/2017 00:26

He might have kept the SIM card.
Some jobs you have to buy the uniform so it's yours. No handing it back.

BusyHomemaker · 14/03/2017 00:27

He can be particular when it comes to food and very vocal about it so the falling out with the canteen staff is entirely plausible. He did used to mainly bring a pack up then stopped over winter. Maybe he has SAD?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 14/03/2017 00:31

If he hasn't lost his job, then the D is rather misplaced.

LilQueenie · 14/03/2017 00:31

SAD happens in winter not spring it would have been present for months if it was. My first instinct was loss of job and hes going out in uniform to hide the fact.

ClemDanfango · 14/03/2017 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusyHomemaker · 14/03/2017 00:35

He was so lovely when we first got together! I feel like a mug. I don't want to mess DD around by introducing her to fleeting men in my life but likewise don't want to be treated like shit.

I want to support him but my instinct is telling me this behaviour isn't respectful.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 14/03/2017 00:36

is it normal to get a case of beer as a leaving present? sounds more like he bought it so that he could drown sorrows possibly over being fired.

Darlink · 14/03/2017 00:39

He's stressed at all those animals in the house.

pog100 · 14/03/2017 00:39

It really doesn't matter what the reason is does it? You can't put up with being treated like this and you have to tell him with consequences i.e. the relationship ends.

BusyHomemaker · 14/03/2017 00:40

LilQueenie he drinks wine and the beer hasn't been touched! He also had a night out with workmates, which is unusual. He's always been private and didn't tell me much about work, if I'm honest. Like, I'd ask and he'd snap at me that he's already told me what he does and he doesn't like talking about work at home.

It's just become even worse recently. Combined with general moodiness, negativity and swearing at me, which I can't stand.

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 14/03/2017 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusyHomemaker · 14/03/2017 00:41

Lol they are his animals!

Yep, I suppose the reason behind it doesn't make his behaviour acceptable. I'm just trying to make sense of it and work out if he's worth the hard work.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 14/03/2017 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bloodyteenagers · 14/03/2017 00:44

Being sworn at, shouted at and a maid isn't
Worth it. Tell the looser to take his moodiness and leave.

KarmaNoMore · 14/03/2017 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusyHomemaker · 14/03/2017 00:45

DD's dad was abusive which is why I left my marriage when she was a baby. DP isn't abusive, just a mood hoover. But yeah, I agree it's important not to subject DD to an unhealthy relationship. I desperately want this to be a healthy relationship.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 14/03/2017 00:46

Oh and you don't have to introduce your dd to a fleeting line of men.

bloodyteenagers · 14/03/2017 00:47

He is abusive. Abuse isn't just violence. Shouting and swearing and walking on eggshells all signs.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2017 00:48

Was this 'sideways move' something that he didn't want but was forced into doing? If he didn't want the job or it meant that he was working with people he didn't care for or a 'difficult' team, or even if he was 'great mates' with his former team, I can see why he may be grumpy about it or not want to talk about. It's no excuse, of course, but does offer another explanation than him having lost his job.

As far as your relationship, it does appear that there are problems. If he's not open to working on things, or you find you really don't care if he does, then it's time to move on, or at least move out.

KarmaNoMore · 14/03/2017 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KickAssAngel · 14/03/2017 00:53

but this isn't a good relationship is it? so why subject your Dd and yourself?

20 months isn't that long, he's just starting to show his true colors. Stay with him if you want to be his general dogsbody and verbal punchbag - possibly worse.

It doesn't really matter what's gone on at work, he's treating you like shit and refusing to change. Your choice is suck it up or kick him out.

BusyHomemaker · 14/03/2017 01:01

Actually, it would appear that my choice is to either suck it up or move DD and I out! It's his house. It would take a couple of months to save enough. I hope it doesn't come to that.

OP posts:
BusyHomemaker · 14/03/2017 01:02

Our arguments are becoming more and more confusing and I know from experience that's not a good sign. I just didn't see this coming! That's why I'm questioning it as in the past DP has been incredibly generous and supportive.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/03/2017 01:09

Sounds to me like he's been made redundant or otherwise lost his job (or resigned). The beer sounds like a leaving present and the night out his leaving do. I know this does not add up, but combined with the lunches it does smell a bit whiffy and may be worth checking up.

Either way there are red flags.