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Original poster

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 14/03/2017 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angryangryyoungwoman · 14/03/2017 01:18

My first thought ; you sound unhappy. He sounds like an idiot.
My second thought; he has lost his job

maras2 · 14/03/2017 01:21

Cherchez la femme? Sad

lampshady · 14/03/2017 01:34

I'd start saving for an exit now if it'll take a couple of months. Until then avoid him as much as possible. Even if it gets better you've seen a side to him that's uncommunicative, rude and mean when he's under pressure or stress - do you want that for the rest of your life? Everyone can be snappy but he sounds fucking horrible.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2017 01:51

I agree with lampshady, you need to have a 'fuck you fund'. You need to have an exit plan.

Remember "when a man shows you who they are, believe him!" And also "The mark of a good man is how he treats his wife (or partner) when no one is looking". He's not treating you (or DD) very well, is he?

LauderSyme · 14/03/2017 02:02

He's not being honest with you, there's definitely something going on that doesn't involve you. He's horrible to you and he's totally disrespecting you. I don't think this is salvageable and it doesn't sound much like it's worth saving anyway. Sorry.

stonecircle · 14/03/2017 03:20

He sounds awful. Definitely start saving to leave.

Off topic, but he has dogs, including a puppy, and works 12 hour shifts. And you work full time. Who looks after the dogs when you're both at work?

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 14/03/2017 03:35

Did you move in together after 8 months? That's insanely fast considering you have a child, there's potentially loads you don't know about this man.

damnedgrubble · 14/03/2017 03:52

I reckon that he's either lost his job or really hates his new job.

sleepydee9 · 14/03/2017 04:05

If you can't openly say 'you're being disrespectful and we need to talk' and actually have that talk, then it will be clear it's not worth staying.

Moving your child into a man's house after just 8 months together is not a particularly great idea. You don't need to have her around streams of men. There is no rush to always be in a relationship. It sounds like you don't want to be alone? Why not take time to sort yourself out and really get to know someone before introducing your child to them (let alone living with them). In future it would help you both to have a bit of a back up plan so that you won't be financially or otherwise dependent or at risk of abuse again.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/03/2017 04:13

Sideways move code for shuffled out with no prospects?

But really it's not about work and more about the way he's treating you.

Get your 'out' fund stocked up and only then get into conversations that could end up confrontational or end in a break up and a need to get out of his house asap.

I know that sounds overly cautious but he doesn't sound like he has many scruples about behaving respectfully and kindly to his partner.

Sorry you're having problems with him as well as your ex, just wondering whether the freedom programme might help you feel more confident in relationships?

FairPlayForWomen · 14/03/2017 04:17

He's like bloody Victor Meldrew!

I could never understand why he was still married. The whole show was an opportunity to feel better than a miserable old bastard with few redeeming qualities.

You said you didn't see this coming, Busy, but I feel you did. You set up a family situation with a partner who makes it plain you've got no place in his life - he's always been "very private" and always been an arse whenever you tried to talk about his day. I know how hard it is to admit to a misjudgement - but the misjudgement is actually misplaced hope, isn't it? You must have hoped he'd feel more relaxed & open with you as things moved on. But he's showing you very, very clearly who he really is. He's someone not worth your hopes.

Fwiw, it does sound like he's hiding something. Whatever it is, though, it's only one more thing on top of all the stuff he was hiding before. This won't get better (except when he realises you're planning your exit, and attempts a hoovering cycle before reverting to type!)

It's utterly crap to be facing your second relationship gone bad. I'm sure you know it's par for the course - most of us go from one bully to a different kind of bully: it's a learning process; there's no shame in it. Looks like it's time to start 'getting your ducks in a row'. Start by surrounding yourself with good friends and wise ones! Good luck.

SuffolkingGrand · 14/03/2017 04:30

Either there's another woman or he's lost his job.

Or both.

Hate to day this OP but it does seem that your eagerness to see the best in someone (and enthusiasm to find a replacement for DD's father) does appear to be blinding you to some pretty fundamental and obvious facts and appalling treatment of you and your child.

Rubies12345 · 14/03/2017 04:31

Maybe he's really been demoted rather than a sideways move.

Isetan · 14/03/2017 04:46

But really it's not about work and more about the way he's treating you.

This

Stop playing detective and start planning your exit because whatever the 'reason' for his behaviour is, it's no excuse. And why the heck are you making his packed lunches when he's such an arse?

You're asking the wrong question, it isn't 'why is he like this'? The question should be, 'why the heck do I put up with it'? If you're honest with yourself there were red flags from the very beginning and you need to find out why you ignored them.

This is who he is and you need to stop waiting for him to be someone different.

RebootYourEngine · 14/03/2017 04:48

Putting whatever is going on in his life one thing is clear, you shouldnt continue to be in a relationship with him. He is abusive.

RebootYourEngine · 14/03/2017 04:50

I will say that properly this time. Putting whatever is going on in his life to one side one thing is clear, you shouldnt continue to be in a relationship with him. He is abusive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2017 05:05

I don't know if he's an abusive character or if this is lashing out because he is hiding something and isn't very good at it thus resorting to nastiness. Either way, this is not healthy.

When we can't communicate verbally, writing to the other person in a non judgmental way often helps. I've written to dh many times because he's more verbally articualate than me and can fluster and wrong foot me when he disagrees. Dh after can see my POV even if he disagrees. Would you consider doing this?

Grindelwaldswand · 14/03/2017 05:11

Is he still paying bills and contributing ? Id be checking his bank details if i were you and if he spoke to me like that he'd be out on his ear straight away! You have a home together you deserve to know the truth

SoulAccount · 14/03/2017 05:12

Whatever is or is not going on at work may be a co-incidence. He might just be feeling claustrophobic and regretting moving you in so fast.

I would definitely start that fund.

Sorry, OP, it is hard, because if we think our partners are going through a bad time we want to know, and support them.

AyeAmarok · 14/03/2017 05:31

Why will it take you a few months to get a fund if you work full time? What bills are you paying?

Anniegetyourgun · 14/03/2017 05:40

I thought there must be something fishy at work too (demotion or OW were my guesses) but then there was the bit about the canteen staff... that must have been one hell of a row. You or I would stop eating somewhere that had undercooked food, I dare say, but we wouldn't be barred or be unable to face going back there because we'd made ourselves so unpopular - well I wouldn't! Sounds like a person with a short fuse who is quite used to treating random people unpleasantly (which may also be a factor in his unwelcome job change - clash with someone in his old team, under notice of dismissal unless he behaves like a decent human being? Possibly). So my up-to-date diagnosis is that the true colours are showing. Easy to be a delightful partner for a few months. Not easy to sustain if it isn't your natural personality.

The upside is if it'll only take a couple of months to save enough money to move out, you only have to put up with a couple more months of this rude treatment.

Pinotwoman82 · 14/03/2017 05:59

Start saving your get out fund asap

murphys · 14/03/2017 06:19

Have to agree with the others.

When I read your post I initially thought the sideways move isn't really sideways, but a demotion. DO you get to see his salary/wages when he is paid, will you be able to pick up if he is being paid less now?

My other thought is that he in seeing someone. Parts of what you say are 'the script' to a tee....

What is your gut telling you OP??

Bluntness100 · 14/03/2017 06:20

It's clearly something that's upsetting him so much he doesn't want to talk to you about it or admit it. Packed lunches could indicate he's not going in any more, and a leaving gift and a night out ( leaving do) could mean he's lost his job.

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