DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Set up a happy stable home on your own first. Do not think you need a man to do this. You don't.
A stable happy home will be with you and without any dick-heads around.
You love the guy you THOUGHT he was.
Not this nasty piece of work.

You moved in his house very quickly. Do you think he's perhaps finding living as a family too much and is trying to get you to end it and move out, but doesn't want to seem like the bad guy chucking out a mother and child?

Whatever the reason his behaviour is unacceptable and I would look for alternative accommodation if I were you.

Excellent!

Your dd should be your first concern both emotionally and physically because she is wholly dependent on you and your decision making.

Sounds as if she has had a bad run of male role models in her life and unless you stand up for yourself your dd is unfortunately destined to follow your lead in her life too.

If he works 4 on 4 off and wears a uniform i am guessing maybe policeman or something similar? Has he maybe been moved/demoted due to some disciplinary action which he is hiding from you? Might explain his change in mood. I was subject to some disciplinary action when i was working and i was like a different person, mood wise, until it was resolved.

I do actually love the guy!

As I explained, you don't actually know him at all. You are only NOW getting to know him and the him you are seeing IS him. You don't believe me, but it is. he will NEVER go back to being the person you thought he was, because he was never that person in the first place.

I just so badly want to provide a stable, happy and loving home for DD. I hope I'm not too broken to achieve that for her.

This is what has drawn his Moth to your Flame. An abusive relationship leaves us with a beacon that calls out to these kinds of blokes. Your vulnerability and (for want of a better word, I don't mean it like this) desperation to have a safe, happy and sorted life for your DD is what has got him latched on and you sucked in.

He knows that it's a lot harder to leave when it involves a child, he knows it's a lot harder to leave when you don't have enough money to be able to make and fund choices.

This whole set up is not working, and it never will do. Please dont waste any more time or risk your own mental wellbeing or that of your dd by kidding yourself otherwise.

He has done WAY past enough already for you to end this.

Of course you can provide a happy, stable home for your DD!! You're a good mother! And the way to provide that happy home is also to be a happy mother. Right now you aren't happy.

A happy, stable home doesn't always include two parents. I expect these days most of them probably don't.

I don't think 6 weeks is too long to get your ducks in a row and get money ahead. As long as you and she are physically safe and you can 'co-exist' with him in relative peace, you'll be fine.

But I would suggest you have a 'contingency' plan just in case things turn really bad.

You will be able to provide a happy and stable home for yourself and your daughter, just not with him.

It doesn't matter the reason behind his behaviour. Even if he is depressed that doesn't turn you into an unkind dick. Swearing at you and doing nothing in the house is just totally unacceptable.

I hope you and your daughter well.

I also think he's lost his job, been demoted, been disciplined or suspended. DH still has old uniforms from several previous workplaces as do I. Either eating in the canteens no longer an option because he's no longer there, or cant afford to eat there.

You mentioned SAD not sure about SAD specifically but depression and anxiety are linked to low vitamin D Levels which will be at their lowest at this time of year as in the UK we can't synthesise vit D from sunlight between september and march. Certainly after a winter of being treated for PTSD, and anxiety, and being admittedly short tempered and snappy with my DH my levels have just come back extremely low. DH has commented that since starting on presciption strength vitamin D he is no longer walking on eggshells, so don't discount this completely combined with the work situation.

The biggest problem is that he isn't communicating with you. I would sit down with him and ask him whats wrong. Explain that you are concerned about his sudden change in character and would like him to see his GP. As PP said focus on yourself and DD, give him some space. If he won't talk to you about it or seek help from his GP then you need to walk away, but if this is a sudden change in character it would seem a shame not to look at tackling the cause.

Some of these latest responses have been really encouraging, thank you.

With regards to falling out with the canteen, I absolutely believe that it happened. DP has form for this type of thing. I've posted before about how he occasionally refuses to eat food on cook as it's not to his standard and we have complained in restaurants many times. It's hard work to find places to eat out with DP. To his credit he is a creative cook and will prepare the meals on his days off.

I will gently suggest that a visit to the GP may be a good idea but I fear he will feel patronised. I've already suggested that he find a positive outlet for his stress. There's only so much I can say without becoming a nag.

I wonder if he really isn't happy with the relationship anymore. I don't see how he can be so that would be logical.

He sounds like an argumentative douche.

I'm pleased you're putting your daughter first. That will help when doubt sets in!

Why are you still preparing tea for him? He is an adult, you both work full time, if he is going to be an arse then he should sort himself out!

Oh I think I remember your previous thread. Didn't you say you have walked out of restaurants lots of times?

Op, don't ever think the unthinkable can't happen.

Someone I knew can't stand her so don't actually feel sorry for her but that's not the point of this! 2 years ago she was with a guy, nicest most kind hearted guy you'll ever meet! Him and her lived at mine for a while, a couple of months after meeting his father died, we all rallied round to support such a lovely man!

Then! A few months after that, she had a leaving do as they were off up north to start a new life together as he'd just got a very well paid job.

Then! On the day before they were due to leave, he left her, he came back, then on the day he left her again.

Random things kept happening, telling us he had an expensive Audi at his mum and dads.
Whenever pay day came around, he'd disappear and then come back and say he hadn't been paid.

Please bear in mind, this guy is literally so nice, he never shouted at her, said anything remotely nasty! Was an all round nice guy!

Well, here's the truth about everything which I found out by being a bit of a stalker!

He had a wife and kids back home
There was no job up north
He also convinced her to leave her job as he could fund her life too!
He also convinced her to borrow money (thousands) from family (until he had his "pay out" come through
He had no audi
His dad hadn't died
He had actually been paid each payday
Even the night he admitted everything he got dropped to the train station "to go to work for the night" but was actually going back to his wife and kids!

Very fucking weird but she took him back after ALL of this, I mean the lot!

Then! One day, he got up & he left her, she went to his wife's house to beg for him back but he said no & that's how it's been for a good two years!

Remember, NO ONE saw it coming, we didn't believe anyone could go that far or even do or say what he did!

..OP...please don't try to fix or understand his behaviour, that's his responsibility. Do you accept that the relationship is over? Can you focus on your and DDs needs? What is your immediate plan?

OP I think I advised you on the thread where your husband had refused to eat the dinner you cooked him that it was a power play and 'high standards' are an excuse narcs make to justify their endless scathing criticism of others.

My FIL is like this and the whole family is fucked up.

FIL also has an ever shortening list of places he will contemplate eating, and then makes eating at home so tense it is practically unbearable.

Sound familiar?

Hang on... 20 months?! MONTHS?? All this aggro after just 20 months?! This is the honeymoon period! Can u imagine what he'd be like after 20 years?! I think an ultimatum is due here. His behaviour is out of order and he needs to shape up or ship out, imo.

Fuck sake. Leave him

Suggest that he goes to the GP? Listen to yourself woman!

He is being a total dick to you. Your DD is seeing you let him be a total dick to you. Yet you are thinking about asking him to go to the GP to ask to be cured of being a dick to you and your DD.

This is despite him showing no signs whatsoever of wanting to change any aspect of being a dick. He has made no apology, shown no remorse and crucially has not asked you to help him change his personality.

Show your daughter what to do when men turn out to be dicks.

If he knows its a choice between going to the GP and sorting himself out or you and DD leaving (get your finances in order before issuing it as an ultimatum) would he do it? Men seem to find addmitting to MH issues particularly difficult.

The food issues sound rather odd though. Sounds like either he has psychological issues with food, or is just an arse. DD critisised my cooking once, I took it off him, chucked it in bin complete with plate and left him to find his own. He hasn't done it since.

You say you love him but you love the man you thought you had. This is the real him, the one you are seeing now that his mask has finally slipped.

How do you know he isn't suspended or similar? Either way, he sounds like a dreadful man, moaning, entitled and selfish.

Get out and stay single until you have worked through some more of your issues in your counselling sessions. If it's any consolation it took me until my late 40s to recover from childhood abuse and poor relationship choices and to set appropriate boundaries.

You can do this and you and DD will be far happier.

There's nothing a doctor can do, and he hasn't asked for your help. If anything he's increasingly aggressive and angry when you try to help, so you'll stop asking.

He's definitely becoming abusive, after a full charm offensive, and you're right to want to leave him.

There's plenty of decent men and it's also perfectly ok not to be in a relationship, this man is not worthy of you and needs putting back on the shelf. Carefully, because he will escalate his behaviour as soon as he realises he is losing control.

That explains why you are anxious to get downstairs to prepare his food instead of reading your dd a bedtime story.

moopoint how do you know a Dr can't help. A combination of ADs, psychology and vitamin D got my sorted out. Just as well my DHs supportive and encoraged me to see my GP instead of walking out.

Maybe he actually took a demotion?