DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Im sorry busy that sounds like it was really tough.

really want you to take a big big step back and try talking to someone like womens aid.

You can't see the truth because your in the middle of it all.

Time away from him with no contact will help hopefully.

No one can make this decision for you but please think about your dd, you are her advocate, you are the only one who can decide the type of childhood she will have. If you really truly believe growing up with him as her parent/mothers partner is the best thing for her but if even a small part of you knows it's not then you have to listen to it.

You are not responsible for him or his feelings. You are setting up a situation where he will think he can always treat you like this and you will always go back.

I'm sorry if I sound pushy, I really am.

You did not balls it up.

He's since sent a message telling me he loves me and DD and wants to make it work but will give me space and not contact me again.

This is the right outcome. You were successful. Inefficient, open to emotional damage but ultimately successful.

He will not contact you means you have broken up. Hooray. You did it.

" he had no other ideas." Bollocks he could go to dr or even just online and get a TON.

"he was stressed due to having to stay strong in order to support me through what I was dealing with" bollocks! More guilt tripping and blaming you!

"Why wasn't he angry at me?" Because that makes his abusive nature too obvious and easy to reject him.

"He's had the last four days off work and hasn't seen or spoken to anyone. He hasn't told anyone what's happened. I know he's walked his dogs but that's it. " HE SAYS you have no idea if that is true you don't even know his job!

Utter guilt tripping bullshit the lot of it!! Clean break time.

^^ what Rabbit said.

Now, let it go. Don't respond to that message. Now block him because I guarantee that his message was a ploy to get you to message him and when you don't, he will try to contact you again.

Tomorrow: Remember I said I would give you space. Wel, I really meant that. It's going to hurt, but I will really give you space.

Wednesday: See, I am giving you space. It's turning me into a shell of a man, but hel, I can do it.

Thursday: Can we talk? About that space thing? I've had a few thoughts about this....

Just block the twat.

oh mine had a stress induced headache all the time too! i actually lolled when i read that! mine also had 'mental health issues' which he rolled out from time to time to explain away his shitty moods. didn't seem to appreciate my suggestion of a trip to the Dr though!

personally it doesn't seem to me that you've let go of this yet - which is understandable when you are attached to someone emotionally. however you are going to need to put your big girl pants on and think with your head not your heart because your DD needs this from you. she's not able to do this.

if you are someone who finds it hard not to respond to someone who appears to be suffering and in pain, then you have no choice but to put time and distance between the two of you. it's the only way to detach enough to get your head straight. otherwise you may find yourself drawn towards his pain (if that makes sense).

btw - getting to the point where you are prepared find a new home and to move out on the quiet because you are nervous of his reaction is a Very Big Deal. you need to remember this.

I hope you block him now op.
You only know what he told you..
Take this as a chance to find some happiness else where with a new man with no drama added.

Give your self some space to enjoy just being on your own with your daughter.

I've just read through 24 pages of your thread. OP please please don't 'work on the relationship'. He makes your little girl uncomfortable, she doesn't like him picking her up from school, he manipulates fun days out, he has had a bad effect on her during school hours.

You sound soft natured and I know you feel sorry for the man you have left. Take that sorrow and give it to your little girl who has gone through enough already and whose life you CAN change. Do not put a man before that little girl. Please stay away from him.

I agree with others, he's lost his job. Being a bloke this is a massive kick unless of course they are the lazy sort who loves nothing more than being a kept man like my sister ex. But most men want to be the breadwinner some find it difficult if their partner is so if your partner has lost his job it probably feels like his world fallen apart. The other thought is, has he been demoted? This could also be a massive blow.

Do you know anyone is his company you can confide in and ask without his knowledge. Or even phone up the company pretending to be a client asking for him, if he's lost his job the receptionist would say he's no longer with the company.

If it's not over the job his attitude towards you stinks and I would tell him you both need a break as you can't stand walking on eggshells it's not healthy for your DD either.

But your daughter is 5 and probably can't articulate how she has felt and his impact on her over the last few months, and her needs for you totally trump his manipulative, self-serving outpourings.

Well done, you didn't cave. Block and no contact now. Get on with your life. Xx

What PickAChew said. Indeed, let's start a book. I think he'll be pestering you by Friday evening. Busy, when he breaks his promise to give you space, will that finally convince you?...

User, the fred has moved on a bit. Have a read, dearie...

Busy, I'm going to pick up and enhance what DancingGoose said. I think you are too kind to be with this man. I mean it, too kind to a fault, yes, bordering on weak.

But that doesn't make you a bad person. Just as courage is not the absence of fear, but the bravery to power through the fear, your strength will have to be the wisdom to know your limits, and being anywhere near this mess of a waste of oxygen is beyond them. Don't be ashamed, and don't try to "compensate". Just accept the truth and be free. You only have xx reserves of mental energy, and should be spending it on those who deserve it, mainly DD.

My grandfather used to say: the only truly failed experiment is that from which you have learned nothing. You learned tonight (last night) that his lies know no bounds, and you need to stay away from him. And we are still here for you.

So it's all about him again, then? He has behaved badly, he has failed to get help, he has misused you and DD, and now you should both put yourselves at risk again for him? And it's your fault, apparently, for not sticking with him, not curing his problems, not having a strong enough relationship.

He's showing his true colours as a selfish arsehole again. He needs to work on that.

What miscellaneous said

Once we'd kind of hugged it out, he told me he thinks DD is manipulative and has been manipulating me. This has been the root of our issues apparently

He's since sent a message telling me he loves me and DD

He loves you both so much he accuses a 5 year old of manipulation?

What he means is that he is manipulating you and your daughter is more aware of this that you are. She knows his behaviour is wrong and was reacting to it. This is not love, this is him trying to keep you in check, it is all bollocks. He doesn't even respect you enough to tell you what his job is.

Even if he made all the promises in the world, how could you ever take her back there?

Remember that script that someone posted a few pages back? Step 1, beg, cry, plead.

I did what you did with ex. Arranged to meet him in a bar for a brief conversation. He did the begging, pleading, looked upset, said he didn't want to lose me. Claimed he had been to the GP because he couldnt cope with the shame of his behaviour. I worried about him too when he didn't go to work and called me to say he had gone to the top of a mountain and was considering driving off. He's alright now though, I've seen him on plenty of fish.

Step 2. He will contact you despite agreeing to give you space. If you won't agree he will find a reason to see you (collecting things he left at my place in my case.) then he will get nasty.

Sorry hope he doesn't but I've read your op again and honestly he sounds awful. Snapping at you, swearing, not eating what you cooked, not saying goodnight to your daughter.

You know what I am sure his reaction to him feels quite genuine.

But it has a purpose and that is to drown out your concerns and fears by completely dominating (yes that word again) the conversation. It's so dramatic and OTT, it almost doesn't sound real. It's so over powering to you that you must surely be convinced of it?

Take this opportunity for no contact. It's selfish of him to dump all this worry on to you - he ought to be doing absolutely everything in his power to reduce your stress. He's saying the things you want to hear. How stressful and circular you found it was just indicative of how it will be if you return to him, because that is just who he is!

Take this opportunity for space that you have now. This means you don't have to keep having these circular conversations!

He's old bill? If that's the case losing your job is normally not as straight forward as just getting asked to leave.

If he's not a copper or lost his job I apologise for jumping to conclusions.

Maybe give him benefit of the doubt, as he clearly needs supporting through something, but let him know you won't be treated like this but that you want to help and he should feel able to confide in you.

He ballsed it up, not you! Think about it - every time you tried to steer the conversation, he wrenched it runs to the opposite direction.

Interesting how he can appear so lost and powerless while being so in control of an event!

Anyway, taking this as a learning event, it was very worthwhile. Contact with him only by email from now on.

TcKay, RTFT.

Just did. Sorry, I jumped to reply after reading the initial page. New here 😬

The only thing I want to add (and someone may have suggested it somewhere in this thread). Is have you thought of doing the Freedom Programme? It might be helpful to both sort your head out about him, and importantly to help you not be taken in by someone like him again. It will also help you understand why after your husband (and parents) you were vulnerable to men like him.

Hi OP, at least you now recognise, it wasn't such a good idea to meet.
Pat yourself on the back, for going home, and not going back to his.
Your daughter is paramount.
Remember this, 'Words are cheap".
You cannot fix, this kind of broken, nor can you kiss it better.
Stay on track, it may be tough, but it'll be worth it.

Just to expand on my "contact only by email" comment:

Now that you've seen how difficult it is to get your point across and not have it submerged by his "needs" and "feelings", give yourself three weeks minimum no contact. If he tries to get in touch (which he will, see PickAChew's prediction), remind him that he promised you space, say you are not ready to talk but he can email whatever he wants to say.

That way you are in control of when and how you read it and he can't flood your brain!

In fact, you can go one better then and get a trusted person (sister?) to read his missives for you - if you think there might be something important re dividing assets, for example.

If he has nothing of yours which you need, then just delete the emails as they come in.

It's understandable that you're worried about him and want to help him. But the best thing for him is to source help for himself. At the moment, he seems to be avoiding getting support from others, so you can assume he doesn't need it. Don't assume what he wants you to: that you're the only one that can help him. More manipulation!

In yesterday's meet-up, he smoothly rebranded himself from bad guy to victim. I hope you can soon see this and start to channel some anger.

He's since sent a message telling me he loves me and DD and wants to make it work but will give me space and not contact me again

I would be ASTOUNDED if he stuck to that. He needs to control this situation too much.

Op if you maintain contact this is just the beginning. Be prepared for lots more begging, sobbing, being so sorry. You will feel very guilty and conflicted and it'll all feel terribly tragic.

Just don't do this to yourself. He can't change. Honestly stress is always the excuse for abuse. Poor lambs. How do you deal with stress? Do you sulk or freeze out the people you love? Or do you suck it up like a grown up and deal with it in a healthy way?

Future you wants you to be brave and just cut loose and get on with your own life. I wish so much i'd done that sooner with my ex. I felt so terribly sorry for him after we broke up, it nearly honestly drowned me. This after a year of him treating me like shit. Let your ex get on with his own problems. There's masses if help out there if he wants to get on and learn how to have a healthy relationship.

If you continue with this mess you're only stealing happiness from your future self. Don't do that. That's dumb