DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

You owe him nothing, please think again about meeting for a chat. He wouldn't change. He isn't behaving like this because he's stressed.

His behaviour isn't your fault. Having a chat won't change him it will just give him a chance to talk you round

This guy still has you under his spell..

Can I suggest you postpone it at least till you have spoke to counsellor..

So much has been on his terms for some time.

There's some really great suggestions here and I do appreciate why there is concern. I know I don't have to meet him but I feel it's the right thing to do. We're meeting in a pub where I know the bar staff, it won't be packed at that time and it's walking distance from DSis. He did give me an opportunity to cancel so I feel he is being respectful. Where we love us incredibly close knot so I feel it is worth attempting to smooth things over. If I feel uncomfortable at any time I'll ask the bar staff to call me a taxi. In fact, maybe I should arrive early and let them know what's going on in case it does turn nasty.

Acrossthepond I'm going to use your idea, thank you! No matter how I feel when I see him tomorrow I am absolutely certain that this is the right thing for DD and that's what I shall keep in mind. If my relationship is harming DD then it has to end, it's that simple.

Hope it works well for you as it did for me. I had to work with an ex who broke my heart years and years ago. He was a real prick, but not averse to trying it on when he felt he wanted a shag, and there I was, in the same large open office. That piece of paper kept me sane AND out of this bed until I got my head together!

How did the meeting go?

AcrossthePond That sounds like an awful situation.

Hairyhat not meeting him til 7pm tonight!

Good luck. Stay strong

You've already had good advice re this evening. Be aware, too, that he will be trying to keep the door open, keep the conversation going, while you are trying to bring a civil end to things. His motivation will not be to listen to you but to keep you talking so that no end point is reached.

OP, drink pop ! 😂

Wow, well done getting out. You've been very brave,

He sounds very abusive. I'm afraid nothing good will come of meeting him. You are being a nice person, as most people want to be. You feel bad about just leaving like that. You feel the need to explain. I'm sure there is a part of you that wants to make him understand why you left the way you did and to help him towards positive change so just maybe you can get back together one day. After all, you love him and the good bits were really good, right?

Nope, wrong. This meeting is a chance for him to manipulate you. He's been stressed. He didn't realise you were hurting. He didn't mean to hurt you. He will try really hard from now on. Blah blah blah. Ultimately he's abusive and people very very rarely change. Like hardly ever. If they do make major changes, it's a very long, drawn out process and even then, you can't really ever trust them again, if they've hurt you. Why would you betray yourself by being nice to someone who has manipulated you?

I totally understand why you're off to meet him but I would scream and yell DON'T if you were my friend. You don't owe someone who has abused you anything. Each point of contact is an opportunity to manipulate you further and drag this out. Think about the fact that your daughter is sometimes scared of him. You are willingly going to meet someone your daugher is sometimes scared of. What could you possibly get out of that? Ok, where you live is close knit. No reason you can ignore him in a dignified way and just get on with your life.

I know extricating yourself from something like this is very complex. I made the mistake of repeatedly trying to talk to my abusive ex. I thought he had such a kind side and if he could just understand why he was doing what he did, then he could fix that part of him and we could just have the happy moments. I wasted about 6 months trying to communicate with him. He had moments of being terribly sorry and contrite and he pretended to work on himself. I loved him so much. Then the mask would slip and he'd minimise the abuse and blame me and put out huge emotional pressure on me to go back. I could have spent that 6 months working on me and moving forwards and just being happy.

Think about what your daughter needs to see here. She needs to see that when someone hurts you and your baby, you shut the door to them and say 'nope, sorry, see ya later' and calmly but assertively maintain that self-protection.

Good luck tonight.

Book the taxi yourself in advance for 7.30pm.

What you each have to say should take no more than that. Much less actually. Any longer and it is unhelpful to you both.

De lurking to wish you luck tonight. Thinking of you

Okay, so I'm still here.

He wouldn't accept an offer of a drink so we paid separately. Then he went off to cry as soon as we sat down. We've talked and I've been honest with him and he's said sorry. He's explained that he needed help for his stress and I left him when he needed help and support dealing with DD. He told me he didn't realise our relationship was so weak.

He seems so sad and not angry at all. I feel awful and part of me would like to continue to see each other and see if we can rebuild over time but the other part wonders if we're flogging a dead horse?

I think you need to re read the thread.

Didn't you suggest him getting help with his stress? But he said he didn't see the point?

HIS STRESS by the way. Stress he wasn't dealing with. Is he going to deal with it now?

Wow. He's good. He really knows how to manipulate you, even as he blamed you for putting your DD ahead of him, you were feeling sorry for him.

He expected you to neglect DD because he wants you to deal with his stress instead of dealing with it himself. He doesn't even see anything wrong with that. He still thinks you are wrong to put DD first. He still thinks his stress is for you to manage.

So, yeah, you would be flogging a dead horse. A dead horse with maggots that flick onto your DD as you flog the dead horse.

Did he say what he is doing now to reduce his stress and handle what remains?

OP i know his sadness is probably tugging at your heart strings but the fact is that unless he starts taking positive action to change his stress and behaviour BY HIMSELF then you may as well discount everything he says as self pitying BS. words are cheap in these circumstances.

what he's basically said is he expects you to stick with him regardless of his behaviour and be the eternally understanding woman regardless of your own needs and more importantly your DDs needs.

by labelling your relationship as 'weak' he has probably made you feel bad and like you should try harder but this is just manipulation i'm afraid.

how did things end?

We've talked and I've been honest with him and he's said sorry.

He is sorry that his victim got out is what he is sorry about. He spends all that time training you and you escaped. This is all part of the plan, they don't change their spots love they just change their technique. He is even blaming you and your daughter for fucks sake.

Sounds like she fell for the script.....

oh, please dont fall for his "PITY ME" pleas, he is an abuser!

What are you rebuilding though? You were only together a short period of time, he was abusive, mean, cowardly & scared your little girl. What are you rebuilding, what?

So he's back to the "poor me" act?

The only thing he deserves from you is a nomination for an Oscar.

It's all just words. He's good at words, but hopelessly shit at even pretending to follow up on them. My ex was like that. I left him when he was at work (had to check he was at work and not in bed, hungover, first!) and left him a note with a disposable email address as his only point of contact with me. Aside from anything he said ending up there in writing for future reference, he didn't get to browbeat me because while he can blether on passionately about whatever is on his mind, I'm infinitely more taciturn, but we were far more equal, in writing and he couldn't steamroller me.

And you ex is determined to steamroller you and get you right back where he wants you. He doesn't love you. He just loves having you.