DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Well done! Have the minimum contact possible - do you need to have any contact with him at all? Can you block him or could someone else check his messages to you and summarise?
You're doing the right thing for you and yours. He had his chance. You don't owe him a thing. It won't be easy but you know you have the strength to make tough decisions and support around you.

Well done! So pleased you left. Anything I say will be a repeat of what others have said.

How is your daughter. Is she OK?

I've just caught up with your thread and had my heart in my mouth until I read that you'd moved out- well done!

The moods, gas lighting and all the other bollocks you've been putting up with are very reminiscent of my exh. He was jealous of my teen DS and would put him down to me- despite the fact that he was nigh on angelic, especially compared to his own DCs!
Look back at the special occasions eg Mothers Day and you will realise that he sabotaged your happiness Every. Single. Time. Because how dare you have a special happy day/relationship that's not all about him?!
Glad he's not your DCs father, you can have a clean break. He will try to get you back onside but will quickly become a martyr, rewrite history so that he's blameless and then finish by being bitter. By then, I can promise you won't care

"I honestly believed I was shielding her from this. I had no idea it was affecting her so much"

^^ oh yes, I've been exactly there, still am sadly, only last week DS confided some heart breaking memories of stbxh. And we haven't seen him for 3 yrs (since DS 4th birthday). I thought I'd managed to get DS away from stbxh before anything too bad has happened specifically to DS, beyond the indirect damage I mean.

Unfortunately, like you, there was an unavoidable delay between the scales falling from my eyes, and us getting out.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. There's nothing you can do to stop what's having happened, happening. You cannot go back in time, and you've done everything right in a difficult situation. The absolute main thing is you've succeeded in moving you and DD out. That's so brilliant and you're brilliant for managing it.

Concentrate on healing and moving on. That's all you can do. And you're on the right path now... I mean it when I say well done, it's bloody hard and so sad when you realise what's going on and that you need to go. And you've done it all so well.

Keep it up now, whatever heart strings he pulls.

Remember his idea of a family was a family of you and him, no room for DD... your cute little darling as the enemy? The scapegoat? The whipping boy? Nahhh, your DD is never ever ever going to be any of those things, cos she has an ace mum that protects her.

Was there ever any explanation about his job?

I'm so glad you and DD are out.

I'm so relieved to hear you've moved. No more treading on eggshells trying not to upset him. No more feeling frightened. Deep breath ... let all the bad go from within. Happiness starts now. Not saying it won't be hard going at times. But you and DD can laugh and sing and enjoy each other.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. You know it is all complete bollocks.

So he knew all the time what he could have been doing, would have been doing [if only x] and should have been doing. He chose not to though didn't he?
Don't waste one more brain cell on this bloke.

So glad you have moved out, now move on.

He has a warped sense of family.
To be calling a 5 YO manipulative and putting her down to her mother all the time.
When you wobble, just picture your beautiful DD crying at nursery.
And absolutely KNOW you did the right thing.
Well done!

Well done for escaping OP! There may be rough times ahead but nothing compared to being with Mr Toxic. Lots of luck in your new life

Only just read this... Got through the whole thread shouting "get out!" at my phone.

Well done OP. Stay strong.

Thank you for all your supportive messages and for sharing experiences. It's funny as I haven't said that much since leaving but mumsnetters are calling it, as usual!

It is confusing that he's devastated and telling me he loves me and thinks we're strong enough to get through anything. I've been honest with him about why and how we left. He's told me he's been stressed and is not used to dealing with stress. If that's truly the case then he needs help, away from DD.

I know I've done the right thing. I can tell from DD's reaction.

If I'm being honest, a big part of me is harbouring some hope that we can work through this, whilst living apart. I'm excited about moving into our new home in May and have taken it on for a minimum of 12 months. If he is serious about changing then I will support him but I do appreciate that he's in shock and his tone could change over the next few days.

I feel a bit overwhelmed but ultimately glad to have moved out.

Busy, I think you have done the right thing.
I really think the hope you have is false. He is bad for your DD. Therefore he is not partner material even if living apart, he's a grown man and it is clear his behaviour and thoughts are deeply intrenched so badly he can't even see them for himself and needs you to leave him to show him. Please don't hold out hope he can change, he can modify his behaviour to get you back I can bet my last £1 on it but change his whole personality is a bit much to expect.

Continue to focus on you and DD, his heartbreak will make you feel guilty but it's not your job to make him feel better.

*Entrenched

He will not change. Please don't pin your hopes on that or you will be on the pathway to misery. Your housing should be right for you and DC, not him, now that you have split.

OP, trust me, you need to disengage completely, from this abusive man, cut all ties. How can you even consider "helping" him.
My heart has been in my mouth, throughout this thread, I breathed a mahoosive sigh of relief, when you said that you had moved into your DSs house, with your DD.
You have had a very lucky escape, as has your little girl.
She has already told you that she sometimes feels uncomfortable around him. She has cried at school.
He has tried to brainwash you, into believing that she is manipulative.
He said she couldn't take her teddies to the Cinema.
Wake up OP, Wake up !
You sound like a lovely young woman, and Mother, with a kind heart.
Associate with this man, and he will drain you, you will become a shadow of yourself.
Give yourself time, you will meet a decent man, who you can build a life with, there is no hurry.
I wish you and your DD, peace and love.

Delurking to say thank God you are out and away from this abusive idiot.

He is 'devastated' because he can no longer control you and drive a wedge between you and your little sweetie-pie DD. You have cut off his source of narcissistic supply. Nasty, nasty bastard.

Please read through this thread if you are tempted to have any further dealings with him. What you wrote about the day when you took DD to church and the subsequent manipulative bollocks about going to the cinema, the soft toys etc, made me feel physically sick.

As others have said, he will say anything in an effort to get you back, but he will mean none of it. Please don't fall for it, your beautiful girl deserves better. And if you have further dealings with him he will revert to type pronto, and of course you will have to be punished for leaving him. Nightmare.

Talk is cheap.

My ex was a master manipulator. He appealed to my feelings that everyone deserves a chance, that he would change, that he loved me, that he really meant it this time, that I didn't want to hurt him.

What a fucking waste of my time and my life. It took me years to harden up to the point I could finally see his bullshit for what it was - something that was obvious to everyone else! My self esteem and several of my friendships with others were hurt along the way.

Please do yourself a favour and especially your daughter and make a clean break. Tell him you need him to leave you alone right now. If he has any respect for you he should be able to do that, right?

To be clear I'm not saying leaving you alone would prove he respects you necessarily. But not leaving you alone if you ask him to would surely prove he doesn't.

You have to protect your daughter from him now, and you did and are doing that. Well done!

Please realize that... you have to protect your daughter from him. This is a fundamental truth and won't change. Not in two days, not in two weeks, not in two years, not in ten years, not ever. Even when your daughter is a teen and you presume your role in protecting her has lessened, you will especially need to look out for her. Even when your dd grows up and moves away he would still take exception to you giving her any attention.

He can very well have his version of "family" with someone else. (and that is a great closing line to cut off his bs whining: "Tell it to the next one".) I suspect he is devastated because he will now have to do his own meals and laundry.

Please do not consider him again. Do not settle for this- he can not even be straight with you about what he does at work, ffs. It isn't like he is MI6 or CIA or whatever.
No.

It is confusing that he's devastated and telling me he loves me and thinks we're strong enough to get through anything

Because abusers don't give up their victims easily. It takes a lot of time to find and condition someone to accept abuse. So they'll say anything they can to draw you back in. He's not 'devastated' that he's lost you. He's 'devastated' that he's lost his victim.

You really, really must tell him you are done and not to contact you again. Delete and block him. You really must.

If he is serious about changing then I will support him
NO NO NO NO NO AND ONCE AGAIN NO

You are out now so stay out.
Do not take your poor DD back into any environment that involves this nasty man who is jealous and nasty about a 5 YO little girl.

I know I've done the right thing. I can tell from DD's reaction
Remember this!!!
If you go back she will never forgive you.
You will make your poor DD miserable all over again.

He WILL NOT change.
Drop him now.
Block, delete and ignore.

Stop trying to be a people pleaser.
Please your DD!!! Not the abusive asshole!

Op I can understand why you want to help him. It's hard to just turn off feelings for someone, especially if they're now so contrite.

However, you need to look at the big picture. - he's acted like an arse, what's to stop him repeating the pattern?

• Your daughter is uncomfortable around him
• He's trying to turn you against her (she's 5!)

At best he's socially awkward and can't relate to children, wants everything his way - that is no environment for a child to be in, having to compete for her mum's attention with a grown man who has much more power than she does.

At worst, well I'm sure I don't need to spell it out. Some of the worst child abuse cases are where a boyfriend has turned a mum against her child(ren).

Please, stop all contact with him, the more opportunity he has to badger you, the more you're going to waiver. Please think of your daughter and how it will impact her.

No, he is big enough to support himself!
You need to support DD and keep up the sterling work you've already done to reassure her that she is your priority.
This is the hardest part - keeping your resolve

Stress is not what has been wrong with him though.

He used your very young child as a way to behave how he wanted and control you so he is in charge while trying to get you by placing her behaviour as what was wrong.

If you stay with him that will only increase to a point where your daughter will bear the brunt of his anger and you will be put in a position of punishing her to keep him onside or face his anger towards you!

She is 5 but soon she will be older and he will have opportunities to twist her (normal) behaviour esp when you've not been there to witness it, and you will feel forced to take his side or risk a massive argument and huff. He has already started that!

If I'm being honest, a big part of me is harbouring some hope that we can work through this

I also harbour hope that Brad Pitt will pop round later.

I know more about Brad Pitt than you do about this man though! You don't even know what job he does! He is a complete stranger.

I really hope you stick to it.