DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Remember, this is the guy who said your DD was manipulative.

He's certainly the expert on being manipulative.

This is what everybody warned you would happen. It's all an act and it's manipulative. You wait a month or two and see how well he's getting on without you....

Anyway, kindest thing you can do (if you want to do kind) is to go no contact while he spends a year or two dealing with his issues. Honestly, that's much more helpful than retreating back into a relationship where his issues played out.

"I know I've done the right thing. I can tell from DD's reaction"

Dd needs to be your priority - living with him made her so unhappy school noticed!!

"He's explained that he needed help for his stress and I left him when he needed help and support dealing with DD. He told me he didn't realise our relationship was so weak. " shitty shitty things to say! Guilt tripping you.

"This is what everybody warned you would happen."

This is the kinda shit my dad pulls (he's been battering my mum for 40+ years - physically & emotionally). Bastard bully in private, in public and when he needs to reel mum back in...out comes the self pity!

In fact (I'll probably get flamed for this but I'm sick of seeing it happen) IF you go back to this clearly abusive man who is JEALOUS of a small CHILD don't take her with you.

He's popped to the loo. I know what i need to do when he returns. This is so hard :(

Get it done and get out.

He told you that your 5 year old was manipulating you just to pass the blame from himself. He blamed your baby.

That made me feel sick.

Find out finally what he does for a living while you're there.

Head-desk

I have only just come across your thread...I am so sorry for what you are going through but he is using this as a way to further manipulate you.

I am in the process of divorcing my abuser. It took me 7 years & a wedding to realise what he was doing to me. he did the 'just because your ex was a twat' thing too (ex raped me, stbxh always trying to force sex) the day I snapped and left he attacked me, threw me across our kitchen and tried to stop me leaving. He at no point told me he loved me, he just kept saying he didn't want to get another divorce (his exw had affair and left which I knew from her - long messed up story)

we are now in a fairly acrimonious divorce where I have walked away with 10k debt and he got 100% of our house as it was the only way to escape.

you are 100% doing the right thing in leaving. BUT you need to stop trying to support him, he is vile and evil and he has not only abused you he has abused your DD. Please read that again... he has ABUSED your DD. Keep that in your head whenever you feel like caving in. He has Emotionally ABUSED her and you have to protect her and keep her away from him.

good luck! you are doing so well!

OP, SugarPie here, get a grip woman, and get out ! 😡

Why the fuck are you still there? Say goodbye and leave!! Go to the loo and get your sister to ring you if you're finding it too hard.

Ok look the way you have to see this is that by agreeing to carry on with him, essentially you are almost certainly likely to have to finish with him anyway. It's such a tiny chance he will change or do anything, this is prolonging the agony for you both.

In my opinion what remorse and wanting to change looks like someone who has already taken steps to get help, isn't wallowing in self pity and has a good grip of themselves. It's ok to be sad, but this kind of sadness is totally OTT and guess what, a massive red flag!

He isn't emotionally stable enough right now: walking away is kinder than false hope for both of you. You don't want to be the bad guy and that's why you are here. You don't speak out when the first red flags appear because you don't want to rock the boat. This is why this is a 'shock' to him out of the blue because your personality doesn't like confrontation and his personality can't listen to other people or pick up on signals someone is unhappy, and he's controlling. YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE AND NEVER WILL BE

this is along side the fact that he is a terrible step father and clearly all this stress is just too much for him.

This hope you are holding onto is just guilt. Nothing else. Once you are brave and take the plunge you need to focus on yourself and why you choose to be with domineering men who have all the power and you feel backed into a corner by guilt when your needs aren't met. You can't fix this by taking him back because he is who he is.

Remember OP, even if the behaviour is caused by a severe mental health issue or a poor childhood - it doesn't actually MATTER.

Question: Is the behaviour damaging? Yes.

So you go your separate ways and live separate lives until HE (a grown 'adult') sort HIMSELF out away from you both and you leave him fully to it.

Honestly OP, you're doing great, just take the last step and end this. It's only ever going to get worse.

OP he's such bad news. Please don't get drawn into his web - for you & DD's sake

Ah OP - it's either fishy or bad. And worse he's not nice. At all. Hard as it seems, disruptive etc it's not a great environment for you or your DC. Sounds like a long way away from a happy house. Maybe time to pick your own future.

It's difficult for you as you clearly still have feelings for him and it's not as easy to switch off feelings as some people assume. This thread clearly prompted you to make the decision to move out and end the relationship but to me it doesn't sound like you were 100% sure of making the right decision. I don't think he's as evil and horrible as some people think but I also think that if you give it another go you will probably find yourself back in this position whether it's a year or more down the line. It doesn't sound like he made all that much effort with your dd and it sounds like she was unhappy there, how would she react if you tell her you're all going back? You've made the first steps towards a nice life and many here think you should continue on that path and I do agree but also its your life and it's very easy to say what you'd do on someone else's life, not all that easy in reality. Good luck

Are you safely away from him now?

Seriously OP go back to your DSis and your DD and thank the lord you are out & think of her crying at school in distress and her being scared of him.

Fuck him and his crocodile tears. Do not carry on seeing him just because you feel sorry for him

Think of your new little house and how happy your DD will be and how much more settled she will become at school.

Good luck

Pay your tab and walk away. He deserves no more of your time. Just leave.

All he's done is blame you and try to make you feel guilty. He caused all this by his attitude in the first place. Now he's trying to make you feel guilty for not putting up with being treated badly? He needed 'support' to deal with your 5 year old child?? O my GOD! There are no words!

Just leave. You've kept your word in meeting him. No owe him nothing more.

BusyHomemaker: I hope you are home and it went as well as could be expected. I can totally see where you are coming from. Totally. You are a kind person, you have a huge sense of misguided guilt, and you love him. You care about him, you want him to be ok.

I left a EA relationship 8 weeks ago. I have remained in contact with him, despite his erratic emotions and failure to give me the space I need. I posted on here a few times and people told me not to speak to him, not to engage at all. Only I know the full extent of our relationship. And because i care about him, I have tried to make sure he is ok. Plus we have two kids so its in my best interests to get him to a better place. He knows obviously we are apart, but he has hope we will reconnect. We won't. I need to rip the plaster off but something is stopping me.

What I do know though is I am starting to listen to my inner voice for the first time in years, rather than one that has been conditioned to think in a certain way. I am managing it the best I know how. I keep re-reading posts, talking to friends, gradually talking to more and more people so I don't give in. At the same time things have stabilised a bit, and I am in control. I am out the house, I can think for myself, I got this.

I am not trying to imply you go one way or another, personally in black and white, I want to scream stop all contact and avoid any discussions. Its done. If you feel strong enough (and you sound it), trust your own judgement, but be very cautious. Keep safe, set boundaries. You got this, empower yourself

Good luck.

Hope you're home safely OP. Lots of opinions and advice on here, I wonder if you're getting the same in real life, and I wonder how it feels to have so many strong opinions. Many have been where you are and want to help. Don't be afraid to come back here, whatever has happened tonight.

Well, I've completely balls it up! I did manage to say the words a few times but each time we just went around in circles. He really layed it on THICK! "I love you, I don't want to lose you, I thought we would never break up and have a baby together." I did manage to stay firm by telling him we were definitely not able to live with him anymore and that was that.

He said sorry a lot and appeared to take on responsibility but then said things like he was stressed due to having to stay strong in order to support me through what I was dealing with. He also told me he's had a stress induced headache for the past two months. When I advised him to see the GP he told me it had gone. He told me he knew he had to deal with his stress but other than taking up running (Which I'd already tried to encourage throughout our relationship) he had no other ideas.

Anyway, due to our circular conversations, his tears and his declarations of love I completely fucked up. He walked me back to Dsis's and I told him I was utterly confused and needed some space for a few weeks. I gave him a big hug and he just kept crying and saying he didn't want to lose me. It was so hard to end it - and I really did try and actually said the words - but it felt impossible. Now I realise that interaction wasn't normal. Why wasn't he angry at me?

As PP's have said, this was way too soon. I wasn't ready to face him. I tried to do the right thing but have fucked up utterly by prolonging the agony.

I'm actually worried about him. He's had the last four days off work and hasn't seen or spoken to anyone. He hasn't told anyone what's happened. I know he's walked his dogs but that's it.

He's since sent a message telling me he loves me and DD and wants to make it work but will give me space and not contact me again.

That's his story he's put on the past few months.

You now have to think back and decide whether that's in any way a fair or even vaguely possible interpretation of events.

It's what he should have said so long ago. But that's not what he actually did.

Unless you count the way he has decided that it's acceptable to take your feelings out on your partner and tiny child. Even the whitewashed fakery he's trying to sell you involves it being completely fair for him to bully and push aside a 5yr old... and when you refused to accept his persistent and continuing behaviour, suddenly that's being a nastier meanie because you should have understood. And allowed him to use you and DD as an emotional punch bag and that's not even enough! To fulfil your role as the good partner you have to accept the abuse, and look on silently (or better, cheering), as he picks on your small child, and then in addition to all this you have to act as his saviour! You need to cure him of his 'stress', it's up to you, or you're a failure.

Really think about this. This is his best lie to you, it's not even the worst way to portray the last few months!

His actions weren't a feeble cry for help. They were the actions of a man who was acting out by showing his strength and control over you. They were the actions of a man who thinks he can do anything and it's his right to do it without consequences, just because he's him. And you and DD must always take the consequences, for your own actions, his actions and any imaginary ones he thinks up.

This is not a poor ickle sad and broken man who needs the love of a good woman. Boak!

If he's stressed, he can do any number of things to help himself... you cannot and should not do it for him. It doesn't work that way.

(Whatever he tells you).

You have had a lot of really good advice on this thread but only you can decide whether to take it or not.
Reading your posts made me feel so sad for you, it sounded like a horrible situation for you and your DD to be in but frankly it sounded like your DP was very unhappy too.
Maybe his pride is hurting at being dumped but nothing you described sounded like a happy, fulfilling or even functional relationship.
Does't he deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with him, not someone who went back to him out of guilt?