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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
Impresionante · 30/03/2017 17:23

What has your daughter's reaction been?

He's done a number on you. I couldn't look twice at someone who scared my child, and I bet you thought that too, do still really.

Really well done on getting out. Block him now, and distract yourself with other stuff. Xx

DesertIslandPenguin · 30/03/2017 17:44

You've absolutely done the right thing OP. I wanted to de-lurk and say that you need to inform the school that he's no longer allowed to pick up your DD from school. I seem to recall that he does this a couple of days a week?

PickAChew · 30/03/2017 20:22

He's using stress as a convenient tool to make you pity him. It's all about him and how he feels. He doesn't give a shot how you feel, but he's feeling sorry for himself for having gone far enough that you've slipped out of his grasp.

No matter how long he plays at sweet and attentive for, he's likely to not only revert to type as soon as he has you where he wants you but go a lot further with the control and manipulation.

His personality problems are not your problem to help him fix. He is not a project. Your job, right now, for the next year and for years to come is to create a safe and happy home with your DD, free of a man who despises her for taking your attention away from him and goes out of his way to make her unhappy.

We all get stressed. We are not all cruel, manipulative twats, as a result.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 30/03/2017 21:29

What everybody rkse has said. Stay strong. Go NC.

greencarbluecar · 30/03/2017 23:32

Please, don't think about working with him or going back to him. That way madness lies. If you do that he will use you leaving him against you forever more and for so many reasons it would be so much harder to leave again.

Which you would want to do, because he will you change. This is all part of the cycle. It's a lie. As someone said upthread, a lot of work into conditioning you to accept abuse. He's also not liking the loss of control and will say whatever he thinks necessary to get it back. They promise the world at this stage. It is not real.

You've done the right thing. Stay strong Flowers

CharlotteCollins · 31/03/2017 18:59

Don't you think it's awful that he came out with what you wanted to hear so quickly after you left? It shows that he could have said similar things before - so why didn't he?

It's blatant manipulation.

Dragonbait · 31/03/2017 23:28

I really feel for you. I feel you've been pushed into a decision via this thread before you were mentally ready for it and as a result I think there's a very big chance you will go back to him. I've been there - I left - I went back - nothing had changed. If you're not ready then the rose tinted glasses go on very quickly. Fortunately I had no children involved. No matter what anyone says to you though, if you are not ready to give up on the relationship then you are not ready. What I wish you could see though is that people don't change. They can make very minor adjustments for a while possibly - but what you have experienced is his personality. You won't change that. If you feel your love for him is worth the quality of life you and your DD will have (the same quality of life you've had the last few months) then I guess you go back. It is more than possible to love someone but dislike them at the same time. Leaving my exh was the hardest thing I ever did. It broke my heart. It was 10 years later before I fully recognised the full extent of his abuse. Take care x

tiredvommachine · 01/04/2017 13:45

Very sad but incredibly insightful post Dragonbait
Flowers

Trollspoopglitter · 01/04/2017 13:51

You can date - maybe - but you can't play at "being a family" like he's suggesting. Even if he fools you, he won't fool your child. Imagine her mum telling her she has to live with and pretend to be nice to someone she doesn't want in her life.

This isn't about a relationship between two adults, and you know your child comes first. Deep down, even if you regret giving up on him... You know if you went back that a little and important piece of your child's absolute trust and faith in you as her shield, her protector, her mother - would break. Please don't damage her for him.

Hairyhat · 01/04/2017 13:57

Just what all the people on here are saying. Please don't believe him. Please put DD first and stay strong for her. Well done so far.

Original poster
BusyHomemaker · 02/04/2017 12:31

You do make a good point Dragonbait but whenever I feel myself waiver I just read the other posts and that keeps me strong.

I'm on my way back from visiting my friend in London, which has been a much needed trip! It really helped to talk things over with her. We went out with some of her friends and as I was catching up with them I talked about all the positive things in my life and it helped me realise that everything's going to be okay with it just being the two of us. I'm in control and I can do this for DD.

I'm meeting xDP tomorrow evening as I told him I would meet to talk and so I'm sticking to my word. He's not evil, just broken and I feel I owe it to him to do the break-up chat. Also, it's highly likely we will bump into each other from time to time and i hope that by doing the decent thing now it will limit any awkwardness/animosity in the future when our paths cross and I'm with DD.

I'm genuinely excited about moving into the new place and choosing things for our new home so that DD and I can put our own stamp on it.

Weirdly, my parents contacted me for the first time since Xmas! Coincidental?! I've politely told them I've got lots going on and will meet up with them in May. Not sure how I feel about that but counselling starts next week so hopefully that will help.

Thank you all for giving me the strength to do what was necessary. Flowers

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/04/2017 12:46

When having the breakup chat be careful not to get drawn into the blame game and post mortems.

Stick to "it isn't working for me". "we need different things" "it's me not you" "I wont give you false hope, it is definitely over" "I have made my choice and I'm not going to change my mind".

Original poster
BusyHomemaker · 02/04/2017 12:48

Good tips RunRabbit the people pleaser in me is slightly dreading it!

OP posts:
DancingGoose · 02/04/2017 13:48

re meeting him, I do think he will probably lay it on thick by saying everything you have ever wanted him to say about knowing he wasn't treating you well, he was like that due to being scared!under pressure/never had such deep feelings for anyone before, that he will change, he can't live without you, what plans he had for your future together etc etc.

then if you don't relent he may switch to trying to guilt you into it - coming up with examples where he has done so much for you, or felt hurt but 'overcame' it due to how much he loves you etc etc

then if you don't relent after that he may start getting a bit nasty.

just be aware he knows how to push your buttons and play on your emotions. if you are serious about splitting up and are not just hoping he will 'see the error of his ways' then you may need to be quite blunt with him- which he will resent after 'everything he's done for you'. he may make you feel bad by saying you've changed (and not in a good way). he will be relying on the part of you that wants to do the right thing, be nice and keep your word to get what he wants.

that angry man is still in there....wanting control.... and that this is all this is - a game about control.

good luck.

Whatatododo · 02/04/2017 14:08

Yes beware, an ex of mine did exactly what dancing goose describes i.e. Persuading me to meet up after I ended it, declaring undying love, apologising, begging and pleading and then within days, anger and nasty threats.

You sound like you have made up your mind but it's not a good idea to meet. He's got a different agenda to you.

Naicehamshop · 02/04/2017 14:30

Meeting him could be a bad move, although I understand that you want to do the breakup chat.

Could you arrange to meet him at 7, say, and then to meet a friend at 7.30? That will give you time to say what needs to be said, but not time for him to prolong the agony and guilt trip you.

HecateAntaia · 02/04/2017 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pouncival · 02/04/2017 14:57

He's not broken, he's angry. Angry that you got away and he wants the control back - good luck OP

AlternativeTentacle · 02/04/2017 16:08

He's not evil, just broken

You don't actually know that. I think this is a very very naive move. If he was broken, he would see that you need space and time. This is all part of the plan to get you into line again.

CalmItKermitt · 02/04/2017 16:17

Be careful and good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2017 16:24

I would probably NOT meet up with him. You don't have to 'keep your word' if doing so would affect you in a negative way. Again, you don't owe him anything other than to be 'fair' in any split of money or property.

If you DO decide to meet him (and here comes my old tried and true!) take a piece of paper. Write down a list of his negative behaviours and how they have affected you and your DD. Fold it up real small and put it in a pocket or somewhere you can reach it. If you find yourself feeling sorry or weakening, touch that paper and remember what it says. Use it as a 'touchstone'. But paper. A 'touchpaper', as it were. Smile

JigglyTuff · 02/04/2017 17:18

Can you get your sister to call you after 40 minutes? And totally agree that you should meet in a public place.

I think he'll lay it on thick too and then he'll be angry when you don't back down. You are going to have to be very strong and super careful.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2017 18:27

It really is way too soon for a talk.
I would cancel and do it once you've had a bit more time.
He will talk you round!
I hope he doesn't.
Keep thinking about your DD and how she deserves so much better!

TurnipCake · 02/04/2017 18:31

OP, your safety first.

Your safety is more important than your word.

If you absolutely feel you must do it, for goodness sake please do it in a neutral public place and set a time limit. Do not go to his.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/04/2017 19:22

OP, not a good call, you owe him nothing, this isn't the end of a Mills and Boon saga, it's an escape from a crackpot !
Please keep it short, and be direct.
He frightened your daughter !