To feel this way about my oh?

[Kmoggy]

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

I just don't know if We can stay together seen as our values are so different

Well i doubt he's changed his real self - you only saw what you wanted to see in him. Now reality has hit home.

You say your family gave him a job - why? Was he always out of work? Or is it a case of moneyed family wanting control and influence in your relationship? Anytime he steps out of line and he will lose his job?

You say the gifted money is to help you out so you don't lose the house.....well if on a combined income of roughly 40k you can't pay the essential bills - how did you afford it when it was just you alone?
You have the option to downsize to something more affordable if you can't manage it based on your wages.

The one thing both of you share is wanting the easy life - and you've been at it longer than him. You and your family think if you throw money at something you can make things better. Let's face it - if you had 'gifted' money left over to pay for dc stuff then you wouldn't have much of an issue.

I just wouldcexpect my partner to have the same drive to want the best for our children
Not everybody has that kind of ambition and he showed you that. Shame your family stepped in and threw money at that red flag, instead of helping you see past the rose tinted specs.

Where is the communication in your relationship? Why has

The reason I'm doing my Degree is so that I can get a better income myselfFor Christ sake he doesn't even know how much money we spend a month and when the dd come out.. he has never once logged onto our joint bank account to see what's there..

Why not? Why did you choose to do it all yourself instead of in partnership with him? What's stopping you from sitting down together and going through all the finances?
How on earth do either of you think it's ok to keep having dc but never sit down and go through your budgets?

How exactly do you manage your bank accounts and money?
I would have thought that you'd both be paying your share of the bills /clothes/food etc into a household account? That way you can't go short on money for essentials?
Do you have a savings account where you both deposit x amount into each month?
The money left over would be your personal funds which you can spend on whatever you like?

He fallen into your trap of 'i'll do and have whatever i want cos somebody else will pay for what i can't afford'.

You need to both sit down and have a grown up discussion regarding your household budget and expenditure.

Sounds to me like you both need to grow up and stop relying on other people to bail you out with money.

OP you sound rather entitled!! Poem learning degree love it... must send us a link

That was a typo ^

Psychic Sally calling SoMuchPain.......

Something is coming to me - I sense it - yes I'm sure - you haven't read the thread have you?

If people can't be arsed to read the thread, can they not at least use some common sense? What the fuck would a 'poem learning degree' even be?

OP is doing an OPEN LEARNING degree.

So you bring in £40k between you, receive princess money and are complaining? Incredible.

"so unless I'm prepared to sell up and move somewhere with a smaller mortgages etc" YES! That's what you DO if you can't afford it!

Given your attitude I find it VERY hard to believe he's the only one spending beyond your budget! Children don't NEED dance lessons, sports coaches etc if you genuinely CAN afford it that's a nice thing to do but they don't NEED it! I WANT doesn't mean you GET you sound like that kid in Charlie and the chocolate factory!!

"Another thing we need to clear up is that I'm not in 40k a year." You said he was on £20k and that you earned the SAME in your pt job, not us that misunderstood you gave the wrong info. 2 X £20k = £40k PLUS the money from your family!

Now you're claiming £30k pa plus family money. PLUS that looks to me as if he's on nmw!

"they are obviously struggling if she's having to use that to pay bills. Therefore its fair enough that she wants him to increase his income, if possible" it's also fair enough to expect the op to consider a cheaper house in a cheaper area and lower their cost of living which she WON'T.

I agree, his working for op's uncle, the family money, op's expectations of him career wise, her expectations housework wise all very controlling. If a wife came on mn and said her husband was behaving like and had same attitude as op it would be called controlling and abusive and she'd be told ltb!

Graphista I disagree, I think the wife would be told to go out and get a job.

You want a certain lifestyle you have to pay for it. It is that simple. The OP is willing to put the work in to get a degree to enable her to earn more. He is all talk no action which is why she is pissed off and on here asking for advice.

This dude is wanting a golf membership when his income just doesn't stretch far enough for such luxuries. Meanwhile the OP's family are giving them money which is going on meeting bills, not on extra's such as those activities you think the OP is cheeky for wanting for her DC.

If the DP didn't want to be playing golf and buying an expensive coffee machine I could see your point but with where he is coming from I would be looking at him like he has a screw loose... because honestly I think he does have a screw loose! I don't think the OP is being controlling at all regarding him earning more (the cleaning is a bit much I agree but if he is anything like my DH she might have a point).

What graphista said. I truly feel for your OH. He is just a man and you are trying to control him. Might I suggest counselling seeing as you are unable to talk to him. Or leave him as you don't seem to like or respect him.

He is just a man
What the heck is that suppose to mean?
That you can't ask him to do more (like looking after his own dcs?).
That he shouldn't be influenced by his dw wishes (butbthe other way around is ok. So if he doesn't to make any efforts to earn more, the OP should just acknowledge it and accept it)

Couldnt because you think it's normal for anyone, man or woman, to never wonder how much is on the bank account, how much is spent on different things (food, mortgage, cars etc etc)?!?
Why should the OP have to show him and make him sit down with her to review a budget if he doesn't want to? After all, according to some posters, that would be controlling too as she would make him do something he doesn't want to do.....
He is an adult. Really, he should know ny now that finances are his respobilit too. He should also know that the three dcs are his responsibility too. Why isn't he taking any at all?
Why is it ok for the OP to take all the responsibility and for her DH to have none? She isn't his mum after all and he isn't 16yo anymore.

he is just a man okaaay...

What about a digital detox? So on weekend days phones get data and wifi turned off, to be used as mobile only, and are to be left in another room. That will get your OH to be present. You do it too as that's fair. Get him focussed on his children and you rather than being constantly distracted by some shit on facebook or whatever he looks at.

To be honest I think phones and internet distraction can be so toxic and bad for relationships and parenting. So many times I read about dads who "let" the partner have a one-off lie in and she comes down to find him in the sofa literally twiddling his thumbs and a toddler sitting in a dirty nappy on a tablet. It's unhealthy.

If this guy was coming home from work at 3 and then sitting in the sofa playing a PlayStation everyone would be up in arms. Sitting on his arse dicking about on the phone is no difference.

Still of the opinion the OH sold a lie. Claimed to be ambitious, turns out he's not. He sounds like he's one step up from a scrounger - prepared to work but only just.

Tbf to the OP's DH she hasn't said what he does so it could be 8 hours of hard manual labour, it could be 8 hours sat on his ass pretending to be busy. Just because OP values the job at less than 20k doesn't mean he's only "just" working.

I think the wife would be told to go out and get a job.

On top of the 45 hours a week she already worked?

Why do you keep having more kids with somebody you don't like?

He sounds like he's one step up from a scrounger - prepared to work but only just.

So those on low incomes are one step up from scroungers are they?

Wow.

I repeat what I said earlier, people wonder why MN is seen as very middle class, just look at some if the comments on this thread.

It certainly shows what people think of those on NMW.

neon She doesn't. First baby was planned and turned out to be twins. Second baby was a "surprise".

Hence 3 kids under 2!

Second pregnancy was a surprise. Second baby (or third really) was planned.

If you can earn 20k part time then you should go full time and get your stick out of your ass about him not doing the housework well enough for you. Poor guy sounds down trodden.

I'm amazed at everyone telling her to go full time. So now we don't value the work of SAHM? Or is that just for the OP who is lucky to have family money? Besides, she works part time PLUS running the home and childcare and an open degree.

OP , why are you still with him? You know you are mismatched and can do better (alone and with someone else). Quite frankly I get the feeling he would be f**ked without you and your family. He needs you, not the other way. Get out now and do what's best for you and your kids.

Or atleast make plans to leave - get your degree and secure a full time job and then leave. Whichever will be best for you and your kids (stop thinking about him, you've done enough).

Besides, she works part time PLUS running the home and childcare and an open degree.

Errrrr no she doesn't! Read the OP she is hoping to go back to work soon. She wants to do a degree. Neither of which she is currently doing.

Piglet I have RTFT - she is on maternity leave ATM. Before that she was fulltime. I'm talking about what they are doing going towards.

I wonder if a lot of people here feel personally attacked because they share the same thoughts and work ethic as OP's OH and that is why they are trying so hard to make the OP seem lazy and spoilt when it is clear she physically has no more time to do extra?

Spice 22 I'm amazed at everyone telling her to go full time. So now we don't value the work of SAHM?
Suggesting that if she wants more money she works for it isn't devaluing being a SAHM. It's a practical solution. She said she earned twice as much as him and presumably there is childcare for 3 under 2 which isn't cheap. So she goes back full time and he can be a SAHD, saving childcare. He can always pick up a weekend or evening job around OP's job as she's the one with drive and ambition

I'm sure lots of people do share DH's work ethic - he does after all work full time to provide for his family meaning OP can work partime

I'm amazed at everyone telling her to go full time.

You can have it all ladies! You can keep your house immaculate, do all the cooking and shopping and childcare AND work full time to keep your useless cocklodger husband in the style he is accustomed to