To feel this way about my oh?

[Kmoggy]

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

I'll try to see if I get that right.
Your issue here is the lack of ambition. You married someone who said he wanted to progress and earn more /di better for tthe hmselves but has turned out to be not so ambitious and quite happy with where he is job wise.
You want the best for your dcs, activities etc.. but this will not be happening because that money (kindly given to you by family) is used for bills instead. Which means that actually you are not financially independent (as in you wouldn't be able to make needs end wo it).

Atm you are studying for a degree whilst working part time and looking after thof dcs. Your aim is a better job and a better salary but your DH isn't on the same wavelength.

You also are resentful about his lack of involvement for HW as in, you are running around doing 90% of the stuff whilst he is happy to sit playing in his phone.

Tbh, you could work full time and earn let's say twice as much as you are. You could also carry on doing your course and get an even better job.
What I hear is that you feel your DH wouldn't follow you there. He would stay doing the same much ,over paid job with no wish to do better.
He wouldnt help more around the house and wouldn't do much with the dcs.

I think your outlook on life is completely different. You have grown and carry on on a path whilst he has stayed behind, happy with what he has.
I'm not sure you will be able to set up again :( Your life ambitions (whcih show up from your desire to get a better and job, do the training etc... down to what to do with the dcs, opportunities you can give them etc..) are just too different.

His character has changed and OP is NBU to reconsider the relationship as he is no longer the man she fell for.

His plans have changed. I suspect his character was always as it is now. She is perfectly right to reconsider the relationship. But she doesn't get to force him into more work/study/different work to meet her desire for the flash life. She works part time. If she wants flash life then she can increase her hours/study/change jobs to try and achieve it. Also not sure I know anyone who has a flash life while raising 3 babies.

Zilph it's not her desire for a flash life. It's theirs. OP says he wanted that too at the start and that even now it is him spending behind their means. He wants the flash life without working for it. Atleast OP wants to work for it.

Right, so if I started a thread saying my partner told me that working nine hour days wasn't properly contributing, that he was dictating the kind of work I SHOULD be doing, and that I should also be doing a course on top of that, what do you think the responses would be? I say cool, find him a job where he's working 60 hours a week, plus a uni course - and then let's wait for the thread called 'My DP never has time for me'. You can't change other people, and if you love them, you shouldn't want to. You can only change yourself. The OP isn't happy, so she needs to make a decision rather than trying to force her partner's hand. That way, misery lies.

Op He told you one thing and is living another.
You sit down and tell him you want his help in the house and with his children, Give him the month to wise up and do the work. If he chooses to come in and still do nothing to a decent standard then you know he is taking you all for granted.
Do you think that he really does not clean up because he knows you will do it for him.
As there really are men who do this as a excuse to not step up.
Can you imagine many years of this.

In a partnership its all or nothing.

You tell him do things to help him change his life.
He has chosen not to do any of this.
You want more he want less, how do you think this will play out with him for the rest of your life.
I would call it quits if he wont buck up and help out.
Hes lazy.
And I don't care how many hours he works outside he does not pull his weight where it really counts.

He is working! He is bringing in the same amount of money as the OP. They need to address their budgeting and how they work their accounts, he needs to cut the golf membership and expensive coffee machines. But OPs complaint was about his lack of ambition. You don't really get to hold people to things they wanted to do back at the start of their career before real life and family happened.

Err Zilph she is already doing that by doing a course to get a degree to get an even better paid job.
So it's not as if she is expecting her DH to do all the work whilst she sits in her backside.

Besides, being able to make meets end and pay for swimming lessons isn't what I call a flash life....

Which is why zilph the op is totally entitled to review the relationship in the light of the lack of ambition/drive and decide she would be happier on her own....
She might even get a break at weekends whilst he has the kids in his own!

People are allowed (or should be allowed) to adjust their life plans. I know people who were hugely ambitious, graduated from uni, got great jobs and established careers. Then had kids and decided they didn't want their old life anymore, they wanted to be at home at 3pm for their DC and go to the toddler groups and school plays etc. There is nothing wrong with deciding to change your plans. Where he has gone wrong is that he hasn't reduced his spending to match his income.

Err Zilph she is already doing that by doing a course to get a degree to get an even better paid job.

Err yes, I know, i didn't say she wasn't.

Which is why zilph the op is totally entitled to review the relationship in the light of the lack of ambition/drive and decide she would be happier on her own.

Again, yes, I know, I even said that myself. Are you reading posts properly?

There are also a lot of women out there who would love the opportunity to better their careers by studying - I'm assuming that, because of the income bracket, this course has been paid for and also that there will be someone looking after the children while she studies. Some might see that as something of a luxury, rather than a sacrifice.

Zilch not sure if your on the same thread or just come n a mission to make me out to be a lazy self entitled princess! I am returning to work so we can keep the lifestyle we have... I'm studying onto of that so that we can have the lifestyle we want.. what part of what I've says I want a flash life without working for it? I just want to give the kids every opportunity we can in the future and am thinking of ways we can do that now.

Zilpha I beg to differ. She absolutely can hold him to that. She can't force him to do anything but she can (and I think should) leave him because he is no longer the same person. Ambition is part of character. His character has changed.
Also his current job at £20k is enough for them to survive, barely. If he wants the flash life, he needs to work more/differently. OP is taking a course to improve her earnings. Why can't he? Considering he doesn't do much at home, he has more time than OP. If he doesn't want to, then that's fair enough. OP should pack up and leave.

what part of what I've says I want a flash life without working for it?

None, which is why you won't have seen me say that anywhere.

OP: Drop the vanity degree and work full-time.

OP's DP: pull your finger out and do your share around the home.

Zilpha I beg to differ. She absolutely can hold him to that

No she can't. People change, circumstances change. He isn't obliged to stick to something he said he intended (not promised, I guarantee you he didn't promise) to do especially when you throw in things like unplanned pregnancies. If it was so important they stuck to the plan I doubt 3 children under 2 would have happened.

I confess that I have only read the first few posts on this thread but a POEM LEARNING DEGREE!! This is a wind up right?!

YourOther I don't agree with dropping the degree. This is the door for long term increase in wage whereas the OP would not get that if she just goes back to work.

It is totally possible to work full time and do and OU degree. But not with 3 dcs and a DH that doesn't make any effort in looking after them and the house (and by that I mean really parenting them not merely taking on the role of a glorified babysitter)

OP is taking a course to improve her earnings. Why can't he? Considering he doesn't do much at home, he has more time than OP.

I don't know whether he can or can't (academically) or whether he just doesn't want to, (he doesn't have to want to!) but he doesn't have to do any courses just because OP wants him to. Also, OP is just about to start a degree. That will require him to look after their children. When will he do a course?

LeSquid it was an autocorrect. The OP has since established she meant an OU degree...
Rtft

This thread isn't about earnings, hours and ambition - it's about trying to change someone. For better or worse, it doesn't work. The OP has two choices - to stress herself out trying to convince him to to live up to his promises/her expectations - or to separate.

Zilpha The rest if my post clearly says he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. Funny that you only selected the first part to reply to.
Childcare is not the issue at hand here. If he does the course perhaps the family will help. OP has said support is there if he wants to do it. The issue is he doesn't want to. Perfectly fine but it's also fine for the OP to leave and go live the she wants with someone willing to match her work ethic.

I agree with the pp who said your values are different. He's a work to live type. A £40,000 income between the two of you isn't at all bad, especially when you get extra money from your family.

But if you are going to continue to be dissatisfied, I'd address it sooner than later. Maybe you're just incompatible.

Perfectly fine but it's also fine for the OP to leave and go live the she wants with someone willing to match her work ethic.

Yes, I've already said this. She should leave if she isn't happy with the relationship. My issue is with her trying to change him to suit her ambitions. She doesn't get to hold him to things he said way back when, before their children arrived.

She doesn't want to change him. She is unhappy that she thought he was ambitious but 3dcs later he is proving not to be.
So she is getting more and more resentful about it because that's not what she signed up for.

There is a different between wanting someone to do something that they don't want to do and wishful thinking that it would great if they were.