To feel this way about my oh?

[Kmoggy]

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

I smell martyr

Zilphas not everyone thinks like you then with regards to that. Please read my prev replies as I mentioned he got the job as a stepping stone with the talk of progressing, which the opportunity is there he is just choosing not to put the effort in to have that as an option! I feel you are being pedantic and trying hard to make me out to be the worst oh in the world.. which Is fine if you think that.. you don't know me or my situation and you certainly don't know what i've been going through.

The reason I'm doing my Degree is so that I can get a better income myself. I just would expect my partner to have the same drive to want the best for our children.

Not everybody has ambition. Not having ambition is nothing bad. Some people are happy with their lot, and are not driven to want more. The problem seems to come where there is an imbalance as you say - you want more, and expect your partner to also want more, but he doesn't.

That wouldn't be a sudden change of attitude, he must have been unambitious for a while, and yet you've stayed with him and had three children with him in very recent years.

Did you think you could change him? As, in my experience, people cannot be changed to that extent.

An unplanned pregnancy doesn't have to mean you have another child.

Dear gods, the OP should have terminated because the children's father won't pull his weight? Meal planning is a 'hobby'?? She should work three days a week and do 100% of the parenting/housework for three under 2?

Are you her PiL??

Eggy : Yeah you are right.. I know this now, I chose to have one child with him as we were excited and wanted the same things in life. House, kids etc.. we had twins then unexpectedly fell pregnant soon after. Silly on my part but he wants the same things as me.. the holidays, flash cars etc but yet isn't doing anything to better the income to get these..I'm the one who's doing what I can to bring in more money eventually as I know now he's not going to be the one to do that. My resentment lies there and I honestly thought when you have children your drive to succeed increases not decreases.

he was going to do courses through work and now he just says that their isn't anyway to progress!!

They aren't always and if you think thet are then you are heading for disappointment.

is great with diy and has done some jobs around the house which I think are great and he could easily do as a living , I've suggested he do a course to learn the correct way and to start doing that as a job.

It isn't easy to set up on your own. Nor does it suit everyone.

You seem to want to mould him into something you want him to be.

It is quite controlling.

Sounds like a fabulous day to me Mumoftwo.

We don't all want to be brain surgeons and we can't all be bullied into feeling inferior for not being earning enough or having the right job. Some of us have used our intelligence and drive to build a beautiful life of our own that we really enjoy. I guess that the fact that people worth squillions are hanging out on mumsnet just goes to prove that we're all pretty much the same despite our various afflictions

Not controlling just trying to encourage him he can do what he puts his mind too.. if he wants a £900 golf membership and weekends away in luxuary hotels we need to have the income to sustain these things.. it's not me trying to buy these things! I'm just trying to keep within our monthly budget and stop him from over drawing our account on stupid unessisary things! Catch my drift??

Definitely catch your drift. Your OH shouldn't be spending money with no regard. Does he think your family will always bail you out? That might account for his cavalier attitude to spending money. Make sure your bank account doesn't have an overdraft available!

OP I totally hear you. DH was similar. He wanted the higher income to pay for nice stuff. Getting him to do the MBA was a struggle and I eventually told him that if he didn't try he could kiss goodbye to his career with his employer as they will probably at one point in the near future lay off people and him not having a degree will put him at the top of the list.

I agree that if you want the nice stuff in life like flash cars, holidays etc you need to earn enough to pay for it all. Him expecting you to do it on your own is unfair.

Also, so many people do not see their drive to succeed increase when they have kids. What I have seen is most of my friends have seen their drive decrease. They become more focused on other areas. What doesn't make sense is that he still wants the nice life without paying for it.

Op I suggest posting in relationships where you will get a more balanced response. You are up several times in the night with three children under three and he refuses to get up to do their breakfast on his days off then lays on bed half the morning while you do everything? And posters are saying, the poor guy!!!??? Only in AIBU.

Mumoftwo That is your day, mine is different. Right now I don't spend a lot of time with my kids because of a project I am working on. DH does though and has just read a couple of books to them and is currently making a car with a huge cardboard box we got from amazon. Just sucks that he has broken his foot and can't take them to the park. Oh and I am looking for a new job because I hate the 100 hour weeks that have gone on for many more weeks than expected.

Also, part of the reason the OP is mad is because he isn't pulling his weight at home. If he was engaged with the kids and interacting with them (instead of on his phone all the time), I don't think the OP would be quite so upset.

OP it's tricky because on the one hand you are saying that he lacks ambition and despite working full time he doesn't earn enough and to be honest you don't really seem to like him - and this does make you sounds unreasonable. No one should have to take out a second job just because their partner wants them to earn more.

That being said, he is being very unreasonable to want to spend money you don't have. I'd suggest challenging him a lot more on his spending. If he makes a big purchase that you know you can't afford, ask him what he expects the family to go without so that he can have what he has purchased? He wants to spend £900 on golf? GREAT, tell him what you spend on food shopping on a weekly basis and ask him to prepare a few shopping lists that will save you £900 a year. If you manage the finances by yourself, you have to accept that he has no idea and needs telling in no uncertain terms that he cannot afford what he is spending.

he got the job as a stepping stone with the talk of progressing, which the opportunity is there he is just choosing not to put the effort in to have that as an option!

So why did you have children with someone before they were in the position you expect them to be? Why didn't you wait until he was actually meeting his potential that you deem so important before committing to him?

Dear gods, the OP should have terminated because the children's father won't pull his weight?

No, the OP could have terminated if she disagreed with the way he was parenting. She chose not to, she chose to give him another child to parent in a sub-standard way. She chose to have another child despite already knowing all the care and responsibility for that child would be hers.

Meal planning is a 'hobby'??

Yep

She should work three days a week and do 100% of the parenting/housework for three under 2?

Not sure why you are attributing that one to me. I never said it and I don't think it

Are you her PiL??

what? What do her PIL have to do with anything?

Zil Meal planning isn't a hobby when you are on a tight budget. It becomes a nightmare of planning on what the heck you are going to eat for each meal without running out of money. With him bringing in GBP20k and the OP working PT I would imagine a good amount of thought goes into meal planning each week to ensure everyone is getting fed properly.

They're on £40k+

There are a lot of posters disagreeing with you OP and you are so convinced you are right that I don't know why you posted. You sound like you can't stand your partner so do him a favour and leave him so he can find someone who doesn't look down on him because he won't dance to your tune by doing courses and a second job.

It does make me laugh when you keep going on about you both providing for your family, swimming, music lessons etc but it's actually your family's contribution that you want to do that. Plus these things are not compulsory and you choose the ones you can afford. Swimming lessons at £20 a month, yes, music lessons at probably more than double that, no. My kids don't have and never will have music lessons, they will not suffer for it.

That is your choice then but it's not mine! I want to provide these things for them.. the money we get is so that my kids can do these things and have treats so why wouldn't I want to use it for that instead of Day to day living and bills! I prefer to work harder to pay our bills so we have some disposable income. And for the last time we are not on 40k plus per month with our outgoings and cost of living it's not that much after tax with childcare for 3 thrown in.

And for the last time we are not on 40k plus per month with our outgoings and cost of living it's not that much after tax with childcare for 3 thrown in.

Err yeah! Everyone's money is less after they pay all their bills and expenses!

You said earlier your DP earns £20k and that your part time wage is £20k. You also said that your parents give you money on top of that. That makes £40k+

he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year

My part time wage is still the same as his full time wage.

Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month

Want2be Agree with you on this.

Also, so many people do not see their drive to succeed increase when they have kids. What I have seen is most of my friends have seen their drive decrease. They become more focused on other areas. What doesn't make sense is that he still wants the nice life without paying for it.

Me and Dh used to have drive to succeed. We once were both rather impressive.

One near death experience and one brutal - really brutal - redundancy later and like any rubbish made-for-tv film we have changed our priorities.

Hence our discovery of our love of "enough". I don't want to be Supermum. Just a decent one.

But it does come with sacrifices. Our car is not even slightly flash!

the money we get is so that my kids can do these things and have treats so why wouldn't I want to use it for that instead of Day to day living and bills!

Just as I was starting to feel sympathetic! It's really not difficult to understand- you have X amount of household income including your family's contribution and you have to prioritise bills over luxuries, just like everybody else does. You can't afford these luxuries so want your DH to do more work on top of his full time work so that you can. That is unreasonable.

Zil Right now the OP is on leave and returning to work in 2 weeks. Their income right now is GBP20k a year, not a lot when you have 3DC to support. When the OP goes back to work their income will be about GBP40k, which should be enough IF the OP's DP didn't go spending silly money on golf memberships and fancy coffee machines. Sorry but you want those extras you have to earn far far more to pay for it.

Also, once the OP goes back to work I would imagine her income will be wiped out by childcare and money will be very tight for them. GBP20k a year after taxes is not a lot when you have 5 mouths to house, clothe and feed. Meal planning becomes a necessity to make sure the income you have reaches the end of the month.

If you want to set aside the money your family gives you for luxuries but can't do that because you wouldn't be able to pay bills, then you can't afford your lifestyle. You will need to downsize, cheaper rent/mortgage, or the person who isn't working full time has to up their hours.