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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To feel this way about my oh?

357 replies

Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 13:21

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

OP posts:
thedcbrokemybank · 12/03/2017 20:29

Gosh OP you are getting a hard time. It sounds like resentment has really built up but if you don't communicate this to him you can't expect things to change.
I think you need to sit down and talk about what your goals are together and how you are going to achieve them. 3 under 3 is bloody hard going. Could he be overwhelmed by it all whereas you are more able to cope? Can you come up with a system to take some of the pressure off you? I am a bit of a control freak (sounds like you are too) but I have found that because I do everything I have enabled my partner not too. It's easier just to do things myself but ultimately that makes me unhappy and resentful so we have to reach a compromise.

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 20:31

Their income right now is GBP20k a year,

No it isn't. Even if OP isn't getting any maternity allowance or SMP, they still have her parents money which is paying their monthly bills.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 20:34

My income part time is actually 14,400 but expenses will take that up about £200 a month.. but that's not guaranteed each month depends on how much travel I do. Not expecting him to do another job at all.. just to look at some personal development within work or if he hates his job so much to train in some of the diy stuff he's do good at start a business... which many do with a lot less support than we have.. if he showed he was keen to do that the help would be there.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/03/2017 20:34

You've been asked several times whether you like/love your partner and you have yet to respond. Let him go.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 20:35

Yep right then Kelly and it's as easy as that is it??

OP posts:
Razz1eDazz1e · 12/03/2017 20:35

What the OP wants is for her OH to engage with her in financial planning for the future of their children. Is that too much to ask?

You don't have to be academic to be motivated and show a sense of responsibility. Why should his passivity and lack of ambition trump her desire to get music lessons for the DC, or whatever it is.

And no, he does not get a medal for having an early start in the morning. Millions do, including the OP who is also up in the night.

Want2bSupermum · 12/03/2017 20:36

Mumoftwo Of course. That is what makes the world go round. We all have different priorities. What has shaped ours is that we are expats living just outside of NYC. While it sounds glam it isn't. The cost of living here is insane. We could live further out but I would spend my whole day commuting. I wouldn't even get half an hour with my kids.

I am lucky that I don't have to work but should DH decide to stop working we would also lose all of his generous benefits. This is one of the reasons why I continue to work. My employer offers good healthcare, dental and vision insurance.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 20:38

I think my original post says I didn't like him right now! Of course I love him he's the father of my children and like I said in my op that he isn't a bad guy at all.. I just don't know if We can stay together seen as our values are so different.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/03/2017 20:39

Are you getting pressure from your family on getting him to change?

KellyBoo800 · 12/03/2017 20:40

Yes, it's not difficult to look at lifestyle changes if you can't afford to maintain your current lifestyle, unless you have crippling debt. Everyone else has to, I'm not sure why you think you're entitled to live beyond your means (which is essentially what you are saying by resenting having to spend money that you have been given on bills rather than luxuries).

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/03/2017 20:40

Ok - Op - let me see if I can actually give some helpful advice rather than just give plot ideas for rubbish films!

Ok:-

  1. As I said before he needs to be realistic about sleep. He gets the decent night or he gets the lie in. Never both. I really think you would see your life very differently if you weren't so tired. You need to agree before you go to bed who is doing what at the weekends.
  1. He also needs to get real about his spending. Your income is"enough" but with 3 kids there isn't golf club membership money there. You two need to sit down and be realistic about what you can and can't afford. Perhaps have two separate accounts where you each have your own "treat money" which is equal and cannot be argued about. Even if all you have left in £20 each a month.
  1. You need to be realistic about who he is and who you are. For whatever reason you just aren't "flash car" people. If you were then you would have got the degrees or the courses or the whatever before having the kids. There are advantages to this. Once the twins go to school the it will be great having a partner who finishes work at 3pm. (I know that seems forever away right now but it will come scarily quick - believe me - I know!)
  1. You don't need Olympic swimming coaching or whatever just yet. You will have more money once your kids go to school. (Or even when the 15/30 free hours kicks in.) With twins and then another a year younger your childcare bill will disappear very very quickly in a couple of years. You can then use that money to pay for classes / save for university / whatever.
  1. This is the toughest part of your life. Just Keep Going. (Mine are 6 and 3 now - life is so so good with enough sleep and no nappies!)
ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 20:40

Do you respect him?

loveyoutothemoon · 12/03/2017 20:42

I don't mop and hoover every day and I have a clean house.

40 grand and you're complaining?! People are on a lot less than you and don't moan half as much!

Spice22 · 12/03/2017 20:42

Want2bSupermum best comment here. A mentality I hope to have throughout my life - work to have enough by myself and whatever 'he' brings in is just extra.

OP take the advice - it's so painful reading your posts. You can do better. Let him go enjoy his life with the other women that find 'enough' acceptable. You can love someone and still accept they aren't right for you.
Plus, you may find that he gets a kick up the ass once he no longer has you to sort his life and your family to subsidise him.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/03/2017 20:42

Yep that's the issue. Your values are so different.

Although I honestly don't know who would break up over the (slightly irrational) fear about not being able to afford extracurricular lessons for your kids in about 6 or 7 years time.

Your parents give you more to treat yourself, surely you will be able to rely on them to cover their grandchildren's lessons if need be?

That's years in advance - anything could happen in that time. Redundancies, promotions, different jobs...you don't know what's going to happen.

If you love him and you think he's a good man then maybe stop worrying about future costs and just live your life?

loveyoutothemoon · 12/03/2017 20:45

Oh and start putting your kids activities first before your own treats!

Spice22 · 12/03/2017 20:45

And ffs so what if people are on less. Why does that mean the OP should be happy with it? She's working to do better (because that's what SHE wants) and she wants her OH to deliver what he promised her when they first got together and also advance his career. Nothing wrong with wanting more than 'enough', just as there is nothing wrong with wanting 'enough'.

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 20:48

Personally I can't ever see myself wanting to work more than 45 hours a week whilst having small children. I'd think I was doing "enough" if I was doing those hours. If I had a partner who wanted to work more than that it would be up to them but I'd expect to be part of the conversation about who would provide childcare for any children in that case (and the conversation would be before the children existed). If my living costs weren't being met by me working those 45ish hours then I'd be looking to reduce those expenses. He can't have gold memberships and expensive coffee makers but I don't think he is doing anything wrong to be working full time and taking home £20k for it.

MommaGee · 12/03/2017 20:48

OP other than him fathering your kids what do you actually like about him? What does he add to your family other than sperm?

Not expecting him to do another job at all

I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man
Make your mind up OP.

I get that he needs to pull his weight around the home. So go out for coffee and let him see what it's like having 3 babies round his ankles is like. I'm suggesting two hours not a weekend so order takeout, tell him he needs to do his own washing from now on and come in and do the bare minimum needed. If you're so busy that you are working in the house every hour the kids are up then something has to give so TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM YOU NEED HELP. don't tell him he isn't ambitious enough for you or you expect to be provided for, tell him he has three kids and a house and he chips in or ships out

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/03/2017 20:49

women that find 'enough' acceptable. Don't go into counselling, spice as the whole concept is based in the idea that 'we are enough'. Can't see that comment being deemed acceptable if it was written by a bloke about a woman. I'm off to Tinder to find me a man who wears his underpants on the outside.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/03/2017 20:49

Want2be Interestingly we have done a similar thing in that we both work - albeit me very part time and Dh very flexibly and both of us very definitely "leaning out".

The brutal redundancy convinced us that both of us working and able to take over the main bills if necessary was the way to go. Funnily enough Sheryl Sandberg's description of "peer marriage" is fairly similar to what we have.

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 20:50

and she wants her OH to deliver what he promised her when they first got together

Really? Do you think he promised her he would earn £X amount? Or do you think like most young people he had dreams and plans that have changed with the arrival of his children?

Hutch2017 · 12/03/2017 20:50

I think people are being a bit harsh. Aside from whether the OP should be accepting money from family each month, they are obviously struggling if she's having to use that to pay bills. Therefore its fair enough that she wants him to increase his income, if possible. He has the means to do DIY but 'doesn't like it'. Lots of people don't like their jobs but just have to do what they have to. Not sure why people are banging on about him starting at 6am!! I start my day at 6am, getting 2 kids ready, dropped off at different locations, do a full day's work, pick kids up from different locations then home to make the tea. Doing a 6-3 stint at work sounds like bliss to me.

Going back to bed until mid day is also a joke. Fair enough if you take turns at the weekend to do this.

I'm not sure I have any advice for you. If he's not prepared to improve things, can you carry on?

MorrisZapp · 12/03/2017 20:54

These threads always make me laugh. Men shouldn't have to engage in housework or childcare after they've got in from their 'full time job' (ie, 'job') because they've been' providing for their family'.

How did these men eat, have clean clothes and take care of household admin before they became fathers? It's like fatherhood turns what most adults do anyway (work full time) and turns it into this exalted sacrifice that excuses them from putting a fucking wash on.

How can people live like this.

Spice22 · 12/03/2017 20:54

Zilpha It sounds as though he promised to do career-advancing courses and said he wanted the same things as OP ; a flash life (nothing wrong with that). He now is fine just getting by. His character has changed and OP is NBU to reconsider the relationship as he is no longer the man she fell for.

JingleJess what? Counselling isn't for me but I don't see why what I said is bad. Telling a woman that she can do better? That she doesn't have to settle for less than she wants? That she can do it herself and not allow a man to weigh her down? Nothing wrong with what I've said and I'd say it to my brother aswell.