Ive just ruined DPs birthday

[Calmdownboris1]

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

DP had an affair, I found out in Jun. we split, got back together in Oct. We have DS aged 3. He was seeing OW for 10 months. We have been together 15 years.

Its DPs birthday today. DS had a birthday party this morning so I booked a massage and facial for DP as a treat whilst we were out. DP has woken up with a virus and couldnt go. He also said he was too ill to open the gifts I had chosen for him.

I don't know why but Ive flipped. I just wanted one happy memory. The last 18 months have been so hard for me. He has messed up my birthday for the last 3 years not getting me presents, not being there on Mothers Day. Every special occasion he has ruined. Say for example, we had a meal at the ritz bought for us. He stayed out all night the night before and rolled in at 11am. I then either have to let it go or have to cancel something Ive looked forward to for months.

I know its not his fault he is ill but I blame him because he doesnt look after himself. He drinks too much etc.

Last year, I took him out to a Gordon ramsey restaurant for his bday. When we got hime he went to the OW overnight (obviously I didnt know where he was). He then drove him at 8am so we could take DS to legoland. Obviously I went with it so as not to disapoint DS.

2015 he stood me up on his bday (I had a restaurant booked and had delivered a cake) and went out for a curry with his mates instead of out for dinner with me and DS. He stayed out all night.

I took this week off work to spend together. He ended up having to work in Spain from
mon - thur completely unexpected. He was supposed to be back wed morning, then it changed to thur morning then thur at midnight.

MIL has taken DS overnight as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. He wouldnt talk to me, just kept on ignoring me telling me to F off. I NEEDED to talk to him, I needed to let him know how much I'm hurting.

I get all these flashbacks of "this time last year" and when he was with OW and the lies he told.

I completely exploded, screaming at him. He recorded me going crazy. I was shouting in his face.

I accused him of still being with OW, of having an affair with a woman he works with and made him call her.

He stays out all night at least once a week, I feel like my world is upside down and I don't know who to trust. My closest friends knew about OW and didnt tell me.

I'm just sat here sobbing and he is downstairs. I feel like I'm crazy.

*Sorry, so many spelling errors on my previous post. Hope you can work out what I meant! x

OP, I am so sorry.

Did you start a thread abut him recently, was it about him going to a wedding?

You really don't deserve to be treated like this, and you can't carry on like this.

How is the house owned?

You say you paid for it all?

It takes time to gather yourself when you have been so battered about and are raw and hurting. I think you are being emotionally abused and that in itself takes away your ability to act in your best interests.

Think hard.

Your DS is at an age to get lots of free nursery hours. Do you work?

I think I remember that you do have a supportive family?

You say the house is your sanctuary - and would that that were true. It isn't at the moment because it is the place you are trapped by him. It is a trap - as a home, and emotionally. If you have been together a long time, is there not lots of equity in it? Do you own it as tenants in common?

OP - prh47bridge is a man and a solicitor - please listen to his excellent advice.

Many Mumsnetters want to support you. We know it is hard. We hate to see you being treated like this, and hurting so much.

This is such a sad thread and it's so obvious what the OP needs to do but it's easy sitting at home, tapping away on a laptop or phone but much more difficult to take action. I don't think the OP is going to be able to leave or insist he leaves, as I don't think she has that emotional resilience - maybe one day she will and I really hope it's sooner rather than later. If you're still around OP have a read of TheUpsideDown'spost as you might be able to see yourself in that position. I think at the moment OP is hoping desperately that things will change but while ever she lacks assertion about his nights out and "work" in Spain unexpectedly (!) and generally calling the shots, nothing will change. And your little boy OP -why should he have to live in a situation where there are rows and tension, and what sort of father refuses to open a birthday present from his son.................

Anyway I hope that you will see the light, if not now, soon. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. I did it, many years ago with my 3 year old son. I realised I was choosing to live with an abusive alcoholic, but my son wasn't and there was only one person who could change things and that was me................

You are obviously a very kind person and I'd imagine it's difficult for you to understand that he can treat you like this. You have a right to expect more from your P, but as many people say here on mumsnet, he's already checked out and now you must do the same. He won't change back to how he was before with you and even if he suddenly does, would you be happy with someone who has been so awful to you. He cheated on you and has been inconsiderate beyond forgiveness.

There is hope. See a solicitor, as already suggested and get the best out of this situation, for your DS and yourself. It's a very emotional time, but you can do it and you obviously have the support of your family. Do you have any other friends you can trust?

OP, what would you rather? A tough (but instantly better) six months of sorting your life out to remove this piece of shit from it, or wait six months, a year, whatever, while he continues to wear you down and inflict misery on you and your DS, only for him to end up being the one who leaves, no doubt for another woman? Because what you want, for him to love you, respect you, and be a decent man, is just never going to be the reality. Why would he ever change the set up he has? If you don't leave him, it will get far worse for you before it ever gets better. And he will forever lord it over you that he chose the ending. Keep a little bit of power for yourself and get out.

I split up with a revolting cruel abusive dickface who left me and baby DS with £20k of unsecured loans. The best thing I did was to contact CAP (Christians Against Poverty) and get their help to help me out of the financial desperation I felt I'd never be able to get out of. They really know what they are doing and dealt directly with all of the banks and creditors so I didn't have to cope with the upsetting phone calls, and bargained down the interest and helped me pay it back in a way that didn't leave me & DS homeless or penniless. Don't be put off by the religious name, they didn't push it at all, and it's for everyone of any or no religion. There are other charities like them so you could go to another one, it's just I only have experience of the one I used.

But whatever one you like, I really do advise you to get help from one of those kind of charities. You're in such an awful situation and honestly, they have so much more power to deal with debt renegotiations than an individual person is, even if you were in the right mental state to play hardball with financial institutions (I don't think I've ever been in the right mental state to do that even when happy and resilient!).

I was so broken and ground down and embarrassed to tell anyone what a terrible situation I was in. And I had got so far in as I was desperate to try and make things work with stbxh and felt I was too far in to cut my losses.

I can say now that he was an emotional and financially abusive wanker who was so selfish he didn't give a shit that he was rejecting and hurting DS as long as his actions hurt me through upsetting DS.

But back then, I'd lost everything but stbxh and would have done anything to try and make it work ... except of course, nothing I could have done would have made things better again. One person cannot try enough to overcome the damage the other person is doing. No matter how much I gave and how much I forgave, it wasn't enough for him.

I hope you find your limit before I did. I let a stupid small little man grind me into the dust. And i let the scum treat me so badly, and treat DS badly too - something I'll always regret. It took him hitting me and children's services getting involved to make me realise that I needed to get out, whatever the cost to me. Ironically ss fell for his lies and superficial charm and closed the case with no action. I was left with a lasting injury (still have it today), and huge debt, and a little boy who was learning quite how unimportant he was to his daddy, as well as everything else he was witnessing.

I got help and got out. However hard it's been, it's never been as hard as those days with stbxh, belittling me and humiliating me, making me suffer and my heart perpetually breaking. Never, ever as hard.

I promise it will be the same for you. I've seen it again and again on here. And am rather wiser having been through it all myself. I wouldn't have believed how easy life can be when you stop trying to make an abusive twat love you.

Life is a thousand times easier without him there to fuck you up and fuck everything you do up. I rather think It's a universal fact of life

You should leave him as you've listed too many things that are negative in this relationship. sounds like he is intentionally winding you up and confident he has got you wound up around his lil finger. filming you when you are losing it is like adding insult to injury. he clearly has no regard for your feelings. pls leave him.

There is no point flogging a dead horse. Your relationship is broken. He isn't even being nice to you. He just doesn't care about you enough to make any effort. Leave

Fuck his birthday. He gives you shit all for yours.

Why do you even bother?

This day, right now could be the fresh start where he does disappear and you get your life back. Even your house. He's not disappeared up until now because he's a coward.

You just need to believe in yourself and what you and your DS deserve first. He's taken a lot from you but it's not lost, you need to take it back. The control can be yours again.
We have all told you that this is not you, it's him.
There are parts you have played here but not the ones he is convincing you of, he's twisting things because he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he passes it all on to you
Every row you have, he feels less and less guilty and remorseful. There is nothing left for you except those memories you had of him once upon a time. They are just memories and times have changed. You can't go back however much you desperately want to recreate the time warp to be able to you cannot and you have to let go of those thoughts for your own sanity

While you're staying 'for' your DS, all you are doing is teaching him that THIS is how men treat women. It's his 'normal'. Is this the behaviour you want modeled for your son?

I think this post will really play on my mind a lot

What you describe as the home you want to keep so badly is not a home: it's just a house. Houses can be rebuilt elsewhere, home is something that you can create anywhere. It's safe and no one is crying in it

He wound you up and filmed your outburst to use against you, to evidence you are unreasonable and difficult to live with. He has his safety net right there, people won't be bothered about context when they watch it, it just backs up whatever shit he had told them.

You said your friends knew snout OW? Why didn't they tell you? Are they jointly friends?

My advice is, call your parents/siblings get them to come over. They haven't forgiven him and he clearly feels threatened by this. He cannot control them and that is the worst thing for sociopaths like him.
Ask them to stay a few days maybe?

You must leave or kick him out. Your ds deserves a stable home. You deserve so much more.

OP the title of this thread is all wrong. You didn't ruin his birthday for him, you played right into his hands. He had every intention of going out and staying out tonight, and what you did this morning, in his mind, gave him carte blanche to make it your fault. He didn't have to make up a story or instigate a row. You did it all for him, and he gets the cheating bastarding night that he always planned. You didn't ruin his birthday, you made it brilliant - for him.

Do you remember when you found out that there was no Father Christmas? After that you could never go back to believing in him however much you wanted to. You're in the same sort of situation now. He's telling you very clearly that the DP he was in the past has gone forever, and however much you want to believe he's still there, he isn't. And never will be. I'm afraid this is one fairy tale that doesn't have a happy ending right now. The only way to find that ending is to leave him, and in time to find someone else who will give you the love you deserve and the trust you need.

You will cope fine on your own with DS, that's what you've been doing for a long time with a dead weight round your neck to make things harder. Don't let him have the power to hurt and humiliate you any longer. Stop debasing yourself trying to change him.

But to repeat my earlier point - the DP you want from the past has gone. Forever. Grieve for him if you must, then leave him in the past where he belonged..

I'm not sure I've seen prh on relationships much! Must be a biggie particularly at this time of year when their specialist subject of school admissions is in full swing.
Please take their intervention as an indicator of how much you need good legal advice on Monday.

On so many of these threads the OP doesn't come back and I wonder if this is because the posts are telling her things that she already knows but is choosing to stay with her partner. I think some posts can be OTT and almost demand that a woman does this that or the next thing. We only know what we read - a few lines of text on a screen and on that basis everyone piles in to tell her to LTB. I think I was one of them but I would not have been demanding.

The thing is the OP is going to make up her own mind what to do and my guess is she will hang on in there BUT she might leave him one day.

Does anyone else wonder why the OPs rarely come back.

He knows that you will tolerate it because of ds and because of the house.. I think here you said it yourself. Now just think if your life spent in misery like this is worth any money or house he provides. And if you say yes then just smile and carry on. If you say no, then sort your finances, ask for help from friends and family and leave. If you won't respect or care about yourself no one else will. Unfortunately.

Get this man out of your life before you lose your mind. The way you are living is abnormal and is going to make you ill.

you cannot afford to be ill as you need to take care of your son. The house you are clinging onto will not raise your DS.

Ask your family to help.

Mnet posters will help.

You need to end this. Gather up all your strength and end it.
For your son.

Why are you still together?!? You both clearly despise eachother....

Sometimes such posters do come back, often on another thread, when their thinking has moved on a bit. I hope so.

Boris, if you're still reading, make today the day you start thinking about how you could leave your P if you decided you wanted to. You're stuck in "I can't because" mode instead of looking into "maybe I could if". A solicitor's appointment costs less than the present you just blew trying to buy the cheaty fucker's affection back, and could be the best investment you ever made, but it does not commit you to anything. It's just information gathering. Information is strength.

Wow....I never thought I'd say this but the affair is the least of your problems. The main problem is that he's a nasty, using, selfish bastard.

The OW is just one of many symptoms of this. He treats you like he has no respect for you at all.

There are so many things in your post that would be a deal breaker for me.

The question is, why haven't they been a deal breaker for you?

Do you think you don't deserve better than this?