Ive just ruined DPs birthday

[Calmdownboris1]

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

DP had an affair, I found out in Jun. we split, got back together in Oct. We have DS aged 3. He was seeing OW for 10 months. We have been together 15 years.

Its DPs birthday today. DS had a birthday party this morning so I booked a massage and facial for DP as a treat whilst we were out. DP has woken up with a virus and couldnt go. He also said he was too ill to open the gifts I had chosen for him.

I don't know why but Ive flipped. I just wanted one happy memory. The last 18 months have been so hard for me. He has messed up my birthday for the last 3 years not getting me presents, not being there on Mothers Day. Every special occasion he has ruined. Say for example, we had a meal at the ritz bought for us. He stayed out all night the night before and rolled in at 11am. I then either have to let it go or have to cancel something Ive looked forward to for months.

I know its not his fault he is ill but I blame him because he doesnt look after himself. He drinks too much etc.

Last year, I took him out to a Gordon ramsey restaurant for his bday. When we got hime he went to the OW overnight (obviously I didnt know where he was). He then drove him at 8am so we could take DS to legoland. Obviously I went with it so as not to disapoint DS.

2015 he stood me up on his bday (I had a restaurant booked and had delivered a cake) and went out for a curry with his mates instead of out for dinner with me and DS. He stayed out all night.

I took this week off work to spend together. He ended up having to work in Spain from
mon - thur completely unexpected. He was supposed to be back wed morning, then it changed to thur morning then thur at midnight.

MIL has taken DS overnight as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. He wouldnt talk to me, just kept on ignoring me telling me to F off. I NEEDED to talk to him, I needed to let him know how much I'm hurting.

I get all these flashbacks of "this time last year" and when he was with OW and the lies he told.

I completely exploded, screaming at him. He recorded me going crazy. I was shouting in his face.

I accused him of still being with OW, of having an affair with a woman he works with and made him call her.

He stays out all night at least once a week, I feel like my world is upside down and I don't know who to trust. My closest friends knew about OW and didnt tell me.

I'm just sat here sobbing and he is downstairs. I feel like I'm crazy.

Op hope your ok.

You are already a single parent to your ds. You just have this ridiculous man to get rid of and stop him cocklodging. I left my ridiculously abusive relationship last year. Got my own house. Started from scratch basically and its the best thng i have ever done.

Is there anyone who can look after your DS?

In your shoes I'd drop DS with a babysitter, have the spa treatments myself and then dress up and take myself out for dinner and while I was there sketch out a LTB plan.

Then LTB.

Are you ok?

My first ever...LTB. He sounds awful! Why are you putting yourself through this?

Are you ok OP?

This sounds like mental torture I don't think I've ever said this before on here but you really do need to ltb. You don't want your DS thinking it's ok to treat people this way and for your own sanity, I would leave before more damage is done

Hope your ok op

He's laughing! He's got the best of both worlds with no repercussions! He has no respect for you and he can do whatever the hell he likes it seems!

Wipe that smile off his face. He stops disappearing and shows some respect or u go. Or he goes!

I don't actually understand why you're still with him?! What does he bring to the table??? U deserve much better.

Morning OP... just a bit concerned for you. If you're still reading this thread, could you let us know you're ok? No need to explain yourself, I appreciate all our "LTB" posts must be rather overwhelming for you. Just want to know you're alright

Also just checking in OP

Please come back to let us all know you're safe and ok!

X

Get to a solicitor asap and get some proper legal advice, then you can make an informed decision, the house is a barrier to you leaving so you need to know the likely outcome of a separation legally. Don't bother with the free session, they can only give you general advice, book a proper appointment and take along as much information as possible about your finances, both your salaries, the outstanding mortgage etc. getting the paperwork together will focus your mind. You need to find some anger and direct it at him, it might take a bit of time, but in my experience once you start talking money the response you get back is vile and helps.

Im still here, thank you everyone for your advice. It got a bit over whelming last night, things are easy to say but taking that first step just seems massively difficult but I know I need to do that.

I'm glad you are still reading.
Many of us know how scary it is to take that step but we also know how bloody awesome your life could be without him.

So pleased to know you're safe

No more advice or pressure from me, just a big hug OP. I get this is difficult for you

OP, glad you are ok and still here. It can be very overwhelming to face ghe mass frustration of MNers and haranguing people is not an approach that Women's Aid, for example, advocate.

But you can read some of the practical advice here, and take some small steps that help you.

Getting some legal / financial advice could help you think about a range of options.

Getting some counselling for yourself could help you make the decisions you want to make.

Talk to any supportive family members: you do not have to live in secrecy.

Look up the Freedom Programme online.

One little step at a time......

Of course it is difficult. That's why he knows he can get away with treating you the way he does. But it is difficult not impossible. There are so many brave ladies on here who have been through what you are facing. Every single one of them says that it is so worth it and they wished they did it sooner. Face that fear and do it anyway. Think of your child. Get angry at what the bastard is getting away with.

I would sell the house, his half can pay off his debt, you take the rest and start again. You are not gaining a single thing from this, you are not trapped because you are financially dependent on him - you pay for everything and he is a cocklodger! See a solicitor asap.

I think I'm going to try to raise finance- that will let me think about my options a little clearer.

It sounds cliched, but this is my home. I need this space, the security it gives me. Its near work and nursery and DS is about to start school in Sep and its round the corner. Family live less than a mile away. Its everything me and DS need. If I know I can pay off the debt and then get him to sign his share of the house over then it seems like a feasible future.

If DP is to leave then I need this piece of stability for me and DS.

Did he come home last night

Legal advice will help.

Paying off his debt and then trying to get him to sign over his share is simply not going to work. What's in it for him once you've cleared his debt for him?

At minimum you offer to take on the debt in return for his share of the house. In reality I think that, knowing the house is what you want, he will make sure it's not possible for you to keep it, or at least that you pay dearly for it. It really will be better for you to be prepared to burn it to the ground (only metaphorically, to be clear) and walk away. That's how you escape him.

You can start by detaching from him emotionally. He stays out all night? Fine. Put the chain on the door so you can't be disturbed and then forget about it. Obviously you don't spend any time on him, birthday or otherwise. Just because you would feel guilty if someone lavished attention on you and got nothing in return, don't expect it to work on him - it manifestly does not. He does not give a shiny shit. Shake that off and start to put your energies into yourself and your ds.

If I know I can pay off the debt and then get him to sign his share of the house over then it seems like a feasible future.

You're so used to doing everything yourself that I think you aren't seeing things clearly. I agree with trib, you need to go into this assuming that he will have to make some serious concessions in return for your greater financial and practical contributions. Some proper legal advice will help you understand your options.

If you can find a way to keep the house and get him out, great.

Without him knowing what you are thinking, find out how you could do that legally and financially.

I assume that both house and debt are in both your names?

It doesn't sound as if he will behave well out of any moral obligation, so get your legal advice in place.

You could start by posting a detailed description of how your house and debt are set up on the legal board, for example. To get ideas to explore. There is also misinformation posted there so you need to get specialist help too. But just to get you started.

I would pay off the debt as consideration for the transfer of equity

But you jointly own the house? In equal shares? So presumably he is going to want buying out of his share (and even then I suspect will flat out refuse in order to punish you more effectively).