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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ive just ruined DPs birthday

294 replies

Calmdownboris1 · 11/03/2017 17:34

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

DP had an affair, I found out in Jun. we split, got back together in Oct. We have DS aged 3. He was seeing OW for 10 months. We have been together 15 years.

Its DPs birthday today. DS had a birthday party this morning so I booked a massage and facial for DP as a treat whilst we were out. DP has woken up with a virus and couldnt go. He also said he was too ill to open the gifts I had chosen for him.

I don't know why but Ive flipped. I just wanted one happy memory. The last 18 months have been so hard for me. He has messed up my birthday for the last 3 years not getting me presents, not being there on Mothers Day. Every special occasion he has ruined. Say for example, we had a meal at the ritz bought for us. He stayed out all night the night before and rolled in at 11am. I then either have to let it go or have to cancel something Ive looked forward to for months.

I know its not his fault he is ill but I blame him because he doesnt look after himself. He drinks too much etc.

Last year, I took him out to a Gordon ramsey restaurant for his bday. When we got hime he went to the OW overnight (obviously I didnt know where he was). He then drove him at 8am so we could take DS to legoland. Obviously I went with it so as not to disapoint DS.

2015 he stood me up on his bday (I had a restaurant booked and had delivered a cake) and went out for a curry with his mates instead of out for dinner with me and DS. He stayed out all night.

I took this week off work to spend together. He ended up having to work in Spain from
mon - thur completely unexpected. He was supposed to be back wed morning, then it changed to thur morning then thur at midnight.

MIL has taken DS overnight as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. He wouldnt talk to me, just kept on ignoring me telling me to F off. I NEEDED to talk to him, I needed to let him know how much I'm hurting.

I get all these flashbacks of "this time last year" and when he was with OW and the lies he told.

I completely exploded, screaming at him. He recorded me going crazy. I was shouting in his face.

I accused him of still being with OW, of having an affair with a woman he works with and made him call her.

He stays out all night at least once a week, I feel like my world is upside down and I don't know who to trust. My closest friends knew about OW and didnt tell me.

I'm just sat here sobbing and he is downstairs. I feel like I'm crazy.

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 12/03/2017 10:30

It I should a good start to get legal advice on the house, for sure. Just bear in mind he has nothing so he may possibly fight you tooth and nail. Be prepared for that part

Gallavich · 12/03/2017 10:31

Please get legal advice. Go and see a solicitor and find out how you can get him out - because you can

rainbowstardrops · 12/03/2017 10:33

Jeez what an arsehole!!!
I hope you manage to talk to a solicitor soon and work out how to get rid of him for good.
As for now, I'm assuming he stayed out all night? I'd be telling him he needs to stay away and give you some space. Flowers

Buxtonstill · 12/03/2017 10:35

You and your DS deserve so much more than this cockwomble.

dowhatnow · 12/03/2017 10:40

You need this particular house at the moment because it is the only good thing in your life and it feels like the only bit of security you have. When you are free of the stresses of him, another house can provide that security.
Him knowing that the house is so important to you will make him use that as his greatest tool against you. Make him believe that the house is a secondary consideration for you (even if it isn't) and be prepared to walk away if necessary. Hopefully you won't need to with good solicitors advice, but try not to give him extra power by showing him that the house is your prime concern. He will use that against you.

As I said the house feels so necessary now but another home can be just as, or more important to you because it will be your safe haven. One particular house does not equate happiness as you are finding out. Don't focus on the house.

inniu · 12/03/2017 10:57

If you want him out and off the deeds you need to be very clever to have the best chance of achieving this.

Don't say anything to him. Gather all your documentation together and go to a solicitor. Find out where you stand. Can you force a sale? Who would get how much of the proceeds and whose share would the debt come from? How much maintenance would he have to pay?

When you have everything in order you can tell him it is over. That you have been to a solicitor, you are triggering a sale of the house, based on contributions and after debt payment his share of the proceeds will be X, you will be applying for child maintenance of Y.

Best case scenario is his share of the proceeds is not enough to cover his 20k debt and he realises he would be better off signing the house over to you.

You have to start this from a position of power not as a person desperate to keep her home who hasn't established what her rights are.

loveyoutothemoon · 12/03/2017 11:18

inniu sounds like you know what's what.

boris your head is all over the place and you want to do what you feel is right. Listen to the other posters, they know what they are saying. I totally agree when they say that another house can provide security and a homely feel. I split from my ex 5 years ago and he is still in that house. The main thing was getting myself and children away from the environment. I couldn't be happier after the split and the children were in a secure and loving environment and still saw him regularly. So whether you stay or go, you'll be OK.

GabsAlot · 12/03/2017 11:44

hes got it all then hasnt he-u paying off his debt and he walks away

he wont sign over anything if u clear his debt-u need legal advice on how to go forward with this

BlondeBecky1983 · 12/03/2017 11:49

He's an arsehole, get rid. The trust has gone and he sounds horrible and resentful!

Squeegle · 12/03/2017 11:51

It is massively difficult to make that change, I agree. It's that change in your head from"I want him to appreciate me and all will be well," to "he is never going to change, I need to change things", that is a very difficult transition. I promise when you make that transition it will feel much clearer.
I have been in a similar place and although it took me a long time, when I finally realised I could change things myself, that made it all much easier! It was up to me not him!! Good luck Flowers

SeaCabbage · 12/03/2017 12:02

Sounds great that you are starting to hatch a plan and that you may well be able to keep your house.

I echo people who are suggesting you go and see a solicitor. That will give you further knowledge and therefore further strength.

Best of luck. Your DS will be 1000 times happier in a calm and loving home and his complete arse of a father living somewhere else.

HalfShellHero · 12/03/2017 12:06

Wow. I can quite believe you flipped you just finally snapped which seems normal, in this situation which is horrid. Please leave him, don't worry about his "ruined birthday" fgs..what a waste of space. I hope you binned these "closest friends" aswell..Flowers

user1470781081 · 12/03/2017 12:39

Name changed for this.

My ex is very like your waste of space in the sense of emotional abuse. He treated me like shit for the entire 12 years we were together. Everything was my fault all the awful nasty things he said and did. He once videoed me losing is crying and sobbing with my baby in my arms after he had screamed at me so he could use it to show ss that I'm mentally unstable and should lose my children. Another time I snapped at him because I was tired and he wasn't helping me the day I gave birth and came home. He used this as an excuse to go out and cheat on me and do cocaine with his mates the same night. Our baby was less than 24hours old. Our older child wanted daddy to stay home with us. He still left us to it and said it was my fault because I was being abusive. I felt so guilty. Yes really. I had ruined this special time for all of us.

And it took me another 5 years and countless more hurtful and humiliating instances after that to leave him. Nothing to my name only my children and a few possessions off to a refuge (he was abusive in every other way too) lost our home and everything in it. I have over £10k worth of debts mostly thanks to him and my inability to say no to him. But... he's gone. Out of our lives. I am free of the selfish nasty abusive raping bastard cunt. And that is the best feeling ever. It's worth losing everything else long as I have my children by my side. You can do it OP. You deserve so much more and so does your son.

diddl · 12/03/2017 12:49

Take care of yourselves Op & I hope you manage to get out soon.

Libitina · 12/03/2017 13:06

Do not clear his debt. Do not offer to pay this low life ANYTHING until you have sought legal advice.
Please reread PRH's post.

I haven't read the entire thread. However, concerning the house, you own it jointly with your partner (I'd rather use another term for him - he isn't really your partner) and he has a £20k loan secured on the house but has not contributed anything for several years. On that basis you are entitled to at least 50% of the house, probably more. The fact you have a child may mean that, even if you don't get 100% of the house, you will be able to stay in it until your son has grown up. The loan may be an issue but it is his debt, not yours. You won't be required to take it on and, if you haven't signed any paperwork, the lender cannot have you thrown out of the house if your partner defaults on the loan.You say he will never leave the house. He can be made to leave.You absolutely must get yourself an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible. Once they understand the situation they will be able to advise on your options and the likely outcome.

Also, get all the paperwork in the house that you can lay your hands on.

miniatureegg · 12/03/2017 13:57

Oh my goodness this is terrible and you aren't crazy. This is what happens when an absolute knobhead bastard tramples all over your trust. I'm the same, I pretend everything is fine on the basis that I want it to work.... but all it takes is a tiny spark and I'm a shrieking, wailing mess.

But I also understand that financially and for your child it's better to stay - same here. Still battling it. Flowers

dowhatnow · 12/03/2017 18:51

But I also understand that financially and for your child it's better to stay - same here. Still battling it

Maybe financially, not necessarily better for a child to stay with an abusive father.

SandyY2K · 14/03/2017 01:09

OP,
This man will grind you down till you're a shadow of your former self. I wouldn't have bought him a present at all.

He's not earned your trust and doesn't deserve your love. Your family have him sussed. You did fine when he was with his OW, let him go back to her, because his attitude smells of an affair taken underground.

Is this the kind of man you'd like your DS to turn into?

boo2410 · 14/03/2017 02:22

OP I've just finished reading the thread. Your husband is a right wanker, and believe me I've known a few sadly. Tell him you'll pay his debt in return for his name off the mortgage. Speak to a solicitor and tell them you are prepared to do that in exchange for the house, unless theY have a more cunning plan.

Please don't let him talk you round, a leopard never changes his spots, trust me on that one.

Take care of you and the little 'un. Flowers

ladycardamom · 14/03/2017 02:29

He sounds like my ex. Sorry to be blunt but he is being inconsiderate and he wont change. Would you put up with a friend treating you like that? You deserve better, like I did.

Lf803 · 14/03/2017 07:26

It's irrelevant if both your names are on the mortgage if you can prove he's never contributed. I've been in the same situation with a house if you can prove you've paid for everything he hadn't a leg to stand on. Flowers

SandyY2K · 14/03/2017 07:58

This is one of those times it's better not to be married, as it makes separation easier.

SoulAccount · 14/03/2017 08:22

SandY2K: you can't generalise. If they were married the OP could get 60 or 70% of the equity in a split because if providing a home for her Dc.

Names on the mortgage / deeds would be less relevant.

It all depends on the circumstance.

PollytheDolly · 14/03/2017 11:28

Why are you with this arsehole? He's a joyless cunt.

He's going out is he? Google emergency locksmiths and don't ever let him back. (Not his house, is it?)

There are men out there who would truly appreciate all you do and would do the same in return.

PollytheDolly · 14/03/2017 11:30

And you haven't ruined his birthday, he is ruining your life. Abusive turd.

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