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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ive just ruined DPs birthday

294 replies

Calmdownboris1 · 11/03/2017 17:34

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

DP had an affair, I found out in Jun. we split, got back together in Oct. We have DS aged 3. He was seeing OW for 10 months. We have been together 15 years.

Its DPs birthday today. DS had a birthday party this morning so I booked a massage and facial for DP as a treat whilst we were out. DP has woken up with a virus and couldnt go. He also said he was too ill to open the gifts I had chosen for him.

I don't know why but Ive flipped. I just wanted one happy memory. The last 18 months have been so hard for me. He has messed up my birthday for the last 3 years not getting me presents, not being there on Mothers Day. Every special occasion he has ruined. Say for example, we had a meal at the ritz bought for us. He stayed out all night the night before and rolled in at 11am. I then either have to let it go or have to cancel something Ive looked forward to for months.

I know its not his fault he is ill but I blame him because he doesnt look after himself. He drinks too much etc.

Last year, I took him out to a Gordon ramsey restaurant for his bday. When we got hime he went to the OW overnight (obviously I didnt know where he was). He then drove him at 8am so we could take DS to legoland. Obviously I went with it so as not to disapoint DS.

2015 he stood me up on his bday (I had a restaurant booked and had delivered a cake) and went out for a curry with his mates instead of out for dinner with me and DS. He stayed out all night.

I took this week off work to spend together. He ended up having to work in Spain from
mon - thur completely unexpected. He was supposed to be back wed morning, then it changed to thur morning then thur at midnight.

MIL has taken DS overnight as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. He wouldnt talk to me, just kept on ignoring me telling me to F off. I NEEDED to talk to him, I needed to let him know how much I'm hurting.

I get all these flashbacks of "this time last year" and when he was with OW and the lies he told.

I completely exploded, screaming at him. He recorded me going crazy. I was shouting in his face.

I accused him of still being with OW, of having an affair with a woman he works with and made him call her.

He stays out all night at least once a week, I feel like my world is upside down and I don't know who to trust. My closest friends knew about OW and didnt tell me.

I'm just sat here sobbing and he is downstairs. I feel like I'm crazy.

OP posts:
THirdEeye · 11/03/2017 19:26

I'm sorry to be blunt....

He doesn't give a shit about why you are so angry and upset...he's played you and is expecting you to roll over and take more crap.

He's a freeloader and you are his meal ticket. You pay all the household bills, food and most probably do all the childcare/chores. Meanwhile, he contributes nothing and chips away at your self esteem.

Listen, you were told to LTB all those months ago and later on....now just do so.

Save your money, call WA and start building a life for you and your DS.

notapizzaeater · 11/03/2017 19:26

What do you actually get out of this relationship - I was in one years ago where my 'd'h ruined every happy occasion the same way.

jeaux90 · 11/03/2017 19:27

Darling you are being played and manipulated.

Spain for work my arse. And changing the flights from one day to the next then later...I don't think so.

He's an abusive cock lodger and won't change.

Dig deep, take a breath and then tell him it's over xxx

SparklyMagpie · 11/03/2017 19:27

This is not a relationship, this is a total nightmare

He won't be giving one flying fuck about you tonight, do not waste your tears on him save them for tears of joy when you ditch this vile man and set up an amazing, happy future for you and your son

Your son should not be in this environment either. You don't deserve what this monster is doing to you!

NewPuppyMum · 11/03/2017 19:27

You want to go to sleep and never wake up? You want to die? What about your child? Is your dickhead boyfriend worth your child not having his mum? Of course not. Use that feeling and get him out. There is someone on here who would help you get him out and hold your hand every step of the way. You could spend next Saturday a much happier person.

Welshmamma · 11/03/2017 19:28

Phone a mate and go out!!! Xxxxx

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 11/03/2017 19:30

Stop letting him make you feel like shit, fuck going to sleep & never waking up-you have a child that loves you to the ends of the earth & past it, give yourself a shake & fucking good talking to.
The only fuck up you have made was taking this fuckwit back, pack his things & let him know when he can pick them up.
You're worth so much more than this, please see that.
Flowers

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 11/03/2017 19:30

Why are you still arguing with him?

What are you going to do about leaving?

Beelzebop · 11/03/2017 19:34

OP, now he's gone can you lock up and leave the keys in?

Astro55 · 11/03/2017 19:35

Yes go pack his bags - text him where he can pick them up -

Bansteadmum · 11/03/2017 19:40

Arguing is pointless. He is not going to "get it" or change.

Have a read of Chump Lady.

Sunshinegirl82 · 11/03/2017 19:41

Have you sought any advice regarding the house? You may be able to keep it. You need to prioritise seeking legal advice.

He trays you like crap, is abusing you in front of your child, is probably still cheating on you And contributes nothing financially. If you could wave a magic you would want him to "disappear". I don't think you want to be in this relationship you are daunted and overwhelmed by the practicalities. Take some steps to find out where you stand, don't assume anything and then use that assumption as an excuse to do nothing.

Deep breath. You can do this.

Inertia · 11/03/2017 19:42

Right, well he's out now. Let him stay gone. You need legal advice about the house, and you need to get tough.

This man does not deserve you. He is a freeloader who is using you for free keep while he goes out with his mates and has sex with other women.

You will never, ever be able to get the man you fell in love with back- that ship has long sailed. Be kind to yourself, and to your son, and move on to better things.

AGirlCalledJohnny · 11/03/2017 19:42

This is a great opportunity for you to turn the tables Calm, lock him out and keep him out for the rest of the weekend. Fuck him, he's such a breathtaking asshole. He deliberately sabotaged tonight so he could justify swanning off to wherever.

I'm sorry your friends let you down, but your family won't. They must've been in such despair seeing you return to someone who acts like they hate you Sad

ColdAsIceCubes · 11/03/2017 19:42

A FUCKINGMEN Third eye!!!
Please OP, listen to the everyone on this thread! You and your dc are worth so much more! You are strong enough to get through this.

Bambamrubblesmum · 11/03/2017 19:53

You cannot go on like this.

Your son cannot have this as his childhood memories, mum miserable and walking on egg shells trying to please dad whilst dad wipes his feet on mum.

You can change this. You will change this.

One step at a time.

He's gone out, great.

Is there a friend or relative who can come over tonight to be with you? Don't get the locks changed. Leave the key in the lock so he can't get in and message him that you're finished, it's over. That X is staying with you and suggest he goes to his mum.

Tomorrow is the start of a better and brighter life for you and your son. You can do it. You gave him a second chance and he blew it, now walk away with your head held high knowing you gave it your best but he wasn't worth it.

annfield62 · 11/03/2017 19:54

I realised later that my ex would start an argument because he felt that gave him an excuse to storm out and go the pub.

MrsGotobed · 11/03/2017 19:57

Of course he's stormed out. He'd engineered the situation to enable him to do this.

Please, please, please OP use this evening to get advice on here as to how to escape this situation. You and your DC need to get away from him.

HeavenlyEyes · 11/03/2017 19:59

blaming you for his sordid goings on - bloody hell, he has done a number on you. Why did you take him back? Stop all this giving him money. He is prob laughing at spending your cash while he shags an ow. Where is your self esteem. He is vile.

Kahlua4me · 11/03/2017 19:59

I quite agree with all replies on here telling you to leave this awful man. It certainly sounds like he planned this so he can do exactly what he wants this evening.

Please do follow the advice already given. bambam put it perfectly. You do not want your son growing up thinking this is how life should be and you most certainly do deserve happiness.

Can you ring your family to come over? It sounds as though they have a clear picture of him so would be very supportive.

Stay strong, and start planning how you want to live.

diddl · 11/03/2017 20:03

"he has stormed out."

So what?

He told you that he was going to go out & he has.

He's done it this way to make sure that you are upset, worried/thinking about him.

How many thoughts do you think that he'll give you & your son whilst he's out?

Astro55 · 11/03/2017 20:07

You do realize he had. I intention of going out with you tonight don't you? That he's planned this as a 'way out' because he's too much of a coward to be honest?

user1483992574 · 11/03/2017 20:10

You are so right!!

Patriciathestripper1 · 11/03/2017 20:10

If he had secured 20k loan on the house and you can't afford to pay it back you are pretty much fucked re house. Pack your stuff and go to your parents whilst he is out.
It's only a house ffs better your mental health than a fkin house.
Think how much better things will be without that fucker bringing you down.

dowhatnow · 11/03/2017 20:12

YOU DID NOT RUIN HIS BIRTHDAY.

He is ruining your life and you are letting him.

Resolve to stop this now. You are not financially dependant on him so you need to do this. Baby steps. Do it for your childs sake if not for your own. Do you want him to grow up like his dad or do you want him to live life with a happy mum who is therefore a better mum by default?

You have to do this, you have no option. It will be hard but oh so worth it when you get to the other side of the pain. You deserve so much better than the scraps this bastard deigns to throw you. At the moment you are like the dog that is continuously kicked but goes crawling back to its master for more rough treatment. You are worth so much more than this even if you can't see that. Do it for your child as well as for yourself.