Ive just ruined DPs birthday

[Calmdownboris1]

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

DP had an affair, I found out in Jun. we split, got back together in Oct. We have DS aged 3. He was seeing OW for 10 months. We have been together 15 years.

Its DPs birthday today. DS had a birthday party this morning so I booked a massage and facial for DP as a treat whilst we were out. DP has woken up with a virus and couldnt go. He also said he was too ill to open the gifts I had chosen for him.

I don't know why but Ive flipped. I just wanted one happy memory. The last 18 months have been so hard for me. He has messed up my birthday for the last 3 years not getting me presents, not being there on Mothers Day. Every special occasion he has ruined. Say for example, we had a meal at the ritz bought for us. He stayed out all night the night before and rolled in at 11am. I then either have to let it go or have to cancel something Ive looked forward to for months.

I know its not his fault he is ill but I blame him because he doesnt look after himself. He drinks too much etc.

Last year, I took him out to a Gordon ramsey restaurant for his bday. When we got hime he went to the OW overnight (obviously I didnt know where he was). He then drove him at 8am so we could take DS to legoland. Obviously I went with it so as not to disapoint DS.

2015 he stood me up on his bday (I had a restaurant booked and had delivered a cake) and went out for a curry with his mates instead of out for dinner with me and DS. He stayed out all night.

I took this week off work to spend together. He ended up having to work in Spain from
mon - thur completely unexpected. He was supposed to be back wed morning, then it changed to thur morning then thur at midnight.

MIL has taken DS overnight as we were supposed to be going out for dinner. He wouldnt talk to me, just kept on ignoring me telling me to F off. I NEEDED to talk to him, I needed to let him know how much I'm hurting.

I get all these flashbacks of "this time last year" and when he was with OW and the lies he told.

I completely exploded, screaming at him. He recorded me going crazy. I was shouting in his face.

I accused him of still being with OW, of having an affair with a woman he works with and made him call her.

He stays out all night at least once a week, I feel like my world is upside down and I don't know who to trust. My closest friends knew about OW and didnt tell me.

I'm just sat here sobbing and he is downstairs. I feel like I'm crazy.

My ex used to cause a big row then storm out, he did it so he could go and meet his ow. Funny how he accused me of being jealous? Well yes, because you are going out to shag the ow....

Yes walk away from the house if need be. What's a house in relation to your happiness? Start again from scratch if need be, but see a solicitor/Citizen Advice first to make sure you get what you can.

Get rid of this horrible man. Your life can only get better

Why are you still with him. Why. He is making you crazy and his treatment of you is not ok. I am a pretty traditional wife at home but nearly every incident you described would have been a deal breaker for me. You need to focus on creating an exit strategy and spend your energy on that not this absolute dickweed.

You haven't ruined his birthday. He's having the birthday he wants, however it sounds like he is ruining your life. People on here have given you some very good advice. Please seek some sort of help and advice. Please find support and open up to your family and friends.

I do not think you will listen to any one on here-you didn't before, so why would you now?
For some reason you love this man, and find it acceptable to be treated like this, you want so much to believe he will change one day.
I have been there and it was hell.
I eventually left and I am now with a man who is everything your partner is not.
Kind,Loving,Respectful,Decent-actually just a Partner-someone who is there to help,care and support you.
One day you WILL split up and it will probably be him that leaves.
Hope I am wrong and you can take on board all the helpful and correct advice you have been given.

calmdownboris PLEASE listen to everyone on this thread. This is not a relationship it is ABUSE. I have been there, done that, got the T-shirt. You say you have no one......well you have hundreds of other posters all concerned for your welfare.
Please get some legal advice, any solicitors on this thread? Advice and knowledge will empower you to get rid, and soon before he destroys you.
And hugs.....you are stronger than you think.

Time to start standing up for yourself and your DS and Fuck that Fucker off!

Teach your DS how a real man acts and show him just how strong his Mummy is!

Lock all the windows and doors and then ring your family and tell them what's happened!

Do you have any family/friends that could come round and stay with you for a couple of days (if that's what you want)or that could be there with you if he comes to the house.Anyone that would keep some of his stuff at they're place so he doesn't have to come into the house to pick any of it up?

Ring the CAB on Monday and make an appointment with them,they'll be able to tell you what you can do legally ie the house and the Wankers debt.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
They're help is free and they're usually really good and believe me you won't be the first person they've seen that's been through this.

Make sure you keep any proof of everything you've paid for,if you have any proof of the debts being his and his alone especially if you didn't agree with them or know anything about them at the time.
Especially as he's been Emotionally Abusive it could work in your favour and if the debts do have to be paid of by you both the CAB could help YOU(not him that Wanker can sink in his own mess!)get a payment plan in place that you can afford to pay back that won't leave you in financial hardship!

Yours and your DS life can and will be so much better if you get rid of the dead weight you've been carrying and don't let it latch onto you ever again.

I don't know if Ive messed this up or not.

That is your opening sentence.

Stop blaming yourself. This is his doing. Everything.

Until you start to accept that, you aren't going to leave him. How can you love someone who treats you so badly? The more crap you accept, the more he will dish out. Put a stop to it now. Say that's enough. Contact women aid to help you get the strength to love yourself.

It often takes a woman many times to leave an abusive retaliationship and not go back. Let this be the time OP for the sake of your son, who will look after him if you're unable to cope?

Can't help noticing you say - "I want him to..." sadly you can want all you like, but he is who he is, not what you want him to be and even IF he could change, he does not want to, he is being so awful to you, it sounds like he wants you to split up and is revelling in your anguish. Stop chasing the dream in your head and look at reality. We can't change people, but we can keep away from them.

I haven't read the entire thread. However, concerning the house, you own it jointly with your partner (I'd rather use another term for him - he isn't really your partner) and he has a £20k loan secured on the house but has not contributed anything for several years. On that basis you are entitled to at least 50% of the house, probably more. The fact you have a child may mean that, even if you don't get 100% of the house, you will be able to stay in it until your son has grown up. The loan may be an issue but it is his debt, not yours. You won't be required to take it on and, if you haven't signed any paperwork, the lender cannot have you thrown out of the house if your partner defaults on the loan.

You say he will never leave the house. He can be made to leave.

You absolutely must get yourself an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible. Once they understand the situation they will be able to advise on your options and the likely outcome.

For what it is worth I am a man. My advice to you:

• you are worth more than this. A lot more
• you don't deserve the way this man is treating you
• I suspect he is still seeing the OW (or possibly has another OW)
• you need to get out for your sake and for your son's sake
• but see a solicitor before you do anything

Op at some point can you please come back to the thread and let us all know your ok. Your last post said you wanted to go asleep and not wake up and I'm just a bit concerned. Your probably just tired from all the upset but your not on your own. There are people on here who understand what your going through xxx

Oh and no, you haven't ruined his birthday. He did that all by himself. And he's probably happy about it. He seems to be using it as an excuse to spend the night away. I suspect I know where he will be (or at least, who he will be with).

Ditch the twat.

Honestly, painful as it is, you know you have to get rid. He's a wanker and is treating you and DS like shit.

Get angry.

Please definately come back and let us know how you are and whats going on-I HOPE its that you have locked the doors etc.

Surely you can find a way to pay off the 20k if it comes to it. Can family help, can you flog stuff, make extra money, get a long term loan etc. at least look into it, ask family for help. You could get a lodger - rather than a cocklodger! - if you have a spare room or air b n b it? There are ways to Make cash, save money, tighten belts etc to make it work.
Get rid of this cunt who is making your lives a misery, you will never look back.

Different situation but when my ds was 2 ( he's now 14 ) me and his dad were going through hell arguing, possible cheating and general nastiness and verbal abuse.

I had put my heart and soul into the house, was just about perfect and I had a good life, he was well off and on paper it all looked good.
But it wasn't.. he buggered off on a lads holiday and left me with £20 for the week, ds was still in nappies. My parents helped me out and he didn't even care.

I finally snapped one day and told him I was leaving but I had nowhere to go, we went to my parents and eventually got a house around six months later.

All I took was our clothes and personal belongings, we started out with nothing apart from donations from friends and family.

We even had a holiday to New York booked ( my birthday present ) and he ripped the tickets up :(

So now... 12 years on I have my lovely ds and a dd too with dp and a lovely house once more. I have never ever regretted my decision, it was bloody hard but I couldn't take any more.

His relationship with ds has been regular but they are not really close, he has a wife and ds now and I see history repeating itself.

You can do it! My poor ds witnessed some horrible arguments but thank god he can't remember. He has never been short of love and a happy home and I know i couldn't have said that if i hadn't of left, stuff can be replaced, your sanity can't and you deserve so much better

Yes get angry and use that anger to make changes.

Please please pack a bag go collect your son and go to your parents or sibling be around people who genuinely love you and your son please x

Use this day, this thread, all the things he has said and done to you, to make today the day you decided enough and chose to leave him. He is bringing nothing to your life and absolutely draining it of joy.

Sorry but he is still seeing the OW, a new one, or a random each week. Where is there to stay out to until the morning if not at someone's house?

He is trying to control you as you have busted him, he wants to beat you into submission until you play nice at home and allow him to openly have an affair, whilst you ask if his meals and presents are nice enough/can you do any more for him.

Tell your friends, tell your family. It doesn't matter who you trust. Tell them all today is the day you are leaving him.

If he can't see why going out all night and not coming back until the morning is an issue or why it is even more of an issue after you've caught him cheating, the really he will NEVER get better or show any respect towards you.
This lack off respect is shown in the way he is treating you the forgotten b'day parties etc...

I've also noticed that this am he wasn't well enough to enjoy your presents but is now well enough to go out all night.... What does it tell you? That really wasn't well this am or that he was stringing you along again??

Any fucker.
why do you need to be so nasty. She knows shes being a shit you dont need to make her feel worse

I've not rtft but you are so brave to be trying again when you've been hurt so badly by him - how does he expect you can ever forgive and forget to the extent that it won't ever be a problem in your relationship. I couldn't do it, no matter how much I loved someone - there would be no trust ever again and I couldn't bear the lies

OP, I've been where you are now. The manufactured arguments that gave him excuses to storm out and not come home for 1, 2, 3 nights. Knowing in my heart he was having sex elsewhere, but he'd demand I 'prove it' and call me a psychotic bitch. Beating down my self-esteem at every opportunity. Deliberately ruining special occasions and blaming me. Being financially abusive. Then it escalated to physical abuse - pinning me down, pulling back a fist and going to hit me, but stop at the last sec and laugh at me. Criticising every thing from my appearance, to the food I cooked, the way the house looked, to the job I did. He often pointed out 'better looking' or 'hot' women and describe sexual fantasies involving them, whilst smirking at my hurt.

I stayed with a truly awful man for far much longer than I should have purely through fear of the unknown... fearing how I would cope alone, the finances, that nobody else would ever want me, the home we shared, still wondering if there was a chance he would go back to his former self one day.

Then one day he pushed me too far. He attempted to throw me down the stairs. He didn't succeed. He was a physically weak man and with all my pent up anger I overthrew him.

The police were called and he never got back in the house again.

I came to realise weak pathetic insecure 'men' do things like this to women to make themselves feel 'big' and 'manly'. And they'll never fuckin change! I found out my ex had been just like this to at least 2 forner partners. This is who he is. The beginning, where he was a 'good' man was nothing short of vait to lure me in and have me hooked.

Don't get me wrong... kicking him out was no bed of roses. It was HARD for at least a year. But throughout it all, I knew my current hard life would get better one day. My miserable prison with him would have only gotten worse. I would have resigned myself to a life of being his door mat.

Don't be a door mat OO. Find that back bone girl! You CAN do it. I PROMISE you will be happy again one day without this twat. It will take time, but one day you'll look back and wish you'd done it sooner. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS.