Should I contact OW

[Notgoodatall]

It's been 3 yrs since my partner had an emotional affair. She ruined my first pregnancy, or rather they both did. Since the fall out my partner and I have worked things out but I still check her Instagram. She is now pregnant and married. I feel like messaging her and saying I hope no one ruins your first pregnancy like you did to me. Her inspirational quotes about being a mum with a baby growing inside make me feel sick

When I was cheated on, I felt angry with both my DP and the OW (though I knew both of them). However, the best thing for me was to keep a dignified silence. I am so glad now that I did - I am better off without them in my lives and am now in a place where I honestly don't wish either of them any ill. For me, that really is the best outcome. It would never have occurred to me to get in touch three years later because I spent those three years moving on - eventually happily - with my life.

Of course people all react differently and I appreciate that it may be different if - as with the OP - you choose to stay with the person who cheated on you. However, in my experience, moving on and even to some extent trying to forgive is the best thing you can do.

I also think the term "emotional affair" can be unhelpfully vague and so it is very difficult for any of us to give the OP advice or to judge the OW from the posts on this thread. It can be used to cover a wide spectrum of behaviour. Personally I have male friends who I will speak to about issues in my relationship - sometimes I need their perspective and need to talk about doubts that would only hurt my partner. I would be furious if he accused me of having an "emotional affair" because of that, but it is a description that could be applied.

I can even hypothetically understand the difficulties that people face if they are unsure about a relationship and confused about feelings towards somebody else. I can't categorically say that in all circumstances it would be a terrible betrayal to discuss with somebody else the fact that you may have feelings towards them (though in some situations it may cross a line). We are all only human, and sometimes we do need to explore whether we are in the wrong relationships. I think the hurt in those situations really comes from the pain of knowing that your partner was unsure - which is a reality that would still have been there even if he had never expressed it to somebody else.

Anyway, I do understand the pain that purely emotional betrayals can cause. I am sorry the OP is still in so much pain. I just think that it is important to try to put things into perspective and to understand that we are all flawed and all have confused feelings at times.

Andinto I did too. Left, forgave, moved on.

I am at the other thread going on.
My heart goes out to everyone who feels that pain, but .......

Be careful, jeaux....people may try to start arguments with you over there about things you say over here, and misrepresent you in the process.

Reading that thread (and unwisely commenting, which I should not have done) has just reinforced my belief that the only way to deal with this sort of betrayal is to try to make the OW irrelevant. Horribly, horribly difficult, of course. But when I read through that thread, I don't see people on healing journeys.

I was once counselling a friend through her husband's affair. She was indescribably hurt and damaged, as you can imagine, and couldn't imagine things ever being right with her husband again. I gently reminded her that she had a choice as to whether or not to stay in the marriage. She looked at me, horrified, and said, "But if I don't stay with him, that fucking slut has won!"

I didn't want to trivialise her pain and I know we're not rational when we're angry and hurt. But she stayed with that bastard for much too long, and caused herself endless unnecessary pain, because she couldn't free herself of the fucking OW and make a decision based on herself and herself alone. If she'd been able to make the OW the inconsequential gnat that she should have been, she'd have seen much sooner that things couldn't be saved (her husband was a total arsehole) and spared herself so much pain and time.

You can't live a life where your happiness is dependent on someone else being miserable, even if they were absolutely vile to you. Take any two people in the world and there will always be times when one of them is happy and the other isn't. If your partner cheats and you decide to try to work through it, you will not heal as long as you're always out to sabotage things every time something nice happens to the person who, well, isn't in your marriage.

Happy Jan
' ... Because she wanted to send a one sentence message to a woman who's bragging on fb about the sanctity of pregnancy despite being complicit in spoiling op's pregnancy.'

That's it in a nutshell. Regardless of how this woman helped spoil OP's pregnancy and whoever else was complicit.

Still, the only way is to move serenely on. Don't give anyone the satisfaction or leverage of you having shown your feelings. Just ignore it all. Don't let yourself look.

Yorrick I am so with you. I read your posts on the other thread too. I winced at some of it (the gulf one, the OW could have been slung in jail for that, I lived and worked out there)

Making the OW insignificant was the only way forward for me and leaving my asshat of an ex

jeaux, I'm glad you're happy now. I think you took the only possible route to happiness and I'm glad you made it.

If all OWs really are as evil and morally bankrupt as most of MN seems to think, I don't know why anyone would bother to try to prick their consciences at any time at all. They apparently have no conscience to unsettle, so what's the point? A truly sadistic and wicked witch would probably just be glad to know she was still causing pain.

I know Yorrick, i agree and I think affairs are never black and white. I've seen all scenarios within my circle of friends. The serial cheaters, the ones that were being abused and found solace, the one that fell in love with the OW (they are still married) I just can't make a harsh judgment on anyone

Even my asshat ex

My own happiness and that of my DD is of paramount importance, feeling that bitter would consume me.

Ah, I wasn't planning on going there, but since you have, I'll join you.

I think some people really are vicious and spiteful, and there is a type of person who does not care who they hurt or how much as long as they are getting what they want (be that lots of varied sex, someone else's husband, whatever). Some people really are that terrible and we hear about them here. They are without redemption.

From my lived experience, most people who have affairs aren't that black and white. It's not to say affairs are right, of course they aren't. But they aren't all created equal. Sometimes people are in a marriage that's dead already, they've been neglected emotionally or abused, whatever. Yes of course in an ideal world they'd end their marriages first, but a quick look at the Relationships board will tell you how messy and complex people and their relationships are.

There's a poster somewhere who was abused by her husband, he even threatened to kill her pets, but since she was seduced by someone who didn't treat her like a piece of shit, she's now forever the bad guy. My own father never cheated on my mother, but he screamed and swore at her all the time, called her every name you can think of and sometimes hit her. But because he was never unfaithful, he always thought of himself as a good guy.

I often hear about OW getting off scot free. I've known a few women who had affairs with married men and I can honestly say that not one of them actually got off scot free. Every one of them suffered in one way or another. Deservedly so, perhaps. But they all suffered.