Should I contact OW

[Notgoodatall]

It's been 3 yrs since my partner had an emotional affair. She ruined my first pregnancy, or rather they both did. Since the fall out my partner and I have worked things out but I still check her Instagram. She is now pregnant and married. I feel like messaging her and saying I hope no one ruins your first pregnancy like you did to me. Her inspirational quotes about being a mum with a baby growing inside make me feel sick

I once knew an OW who wished a miscarriage on the pregnant wife of the man she was having an affair with. Coldly and daily she wished for that miscarriage. I have known others just as bad.

I will never agree with the MN party line that the only one to blame is the man who is committed. The OW I have known have been utterly nasty and cold and knew fine well what they were doing.

I'd message her and then block her immediately, she deserves no right of reply.

I dont agree only man is to blame either.

The ow was equally complicit.

I find it difficult to swallow that the op's relationship is doing ok in the aftermath, if she's still giving the ow this much headspace.

Suggests to me that things are still festering there. In which case, might be time to call it quits.

happyjanuary you're projecting.

What's more, it is OP's "fault" that she has these feelings.

She had a choice; she could have dumped his pathetic arse but she chose to stay with a cheat and unfortunately, that decision has come with baggage.

Pinning all the blame on this woman won't change the fact that it was her husband who betrayed her and broke promises.

And aside from all of that, I agree with PP. Would I fuck let her think she was even on my radar!

I'll concede there's an argument for not giving ow the satisfaction.

But this 'placing all the blame' crap is nonsense. Blame isn't a finite pool, and there's plenty of scope for throwing it in two directions without that well running dry.

Op's dp is to blame of course but one assumes he's apologised, justified, repaired and repented. What's op's ow done? Nothing. I'm not saying she should have done anything. I'm explaining why she's still a focus for op's anger.

Yes I'm projecting. Otherwise known as speaking from experience. When people post on here they want advice - inevitably people bring their own experiences to inform that advice, whether it's as an unfaithful spouse, ow, whatever.

Personally, I think there's a difference between posting from experience and allowing your experience to cloud your judgement.

But that's neither here nor there, especially since it seems as though OP has gone.

Eek I think you're being really restrained op. I'd probably contact her current partner telling him she nearly broke up a previous relationship. My heart must be jet black.

I didn't post about blame or dignity or the like. I posted about how I believed it would make the op feel and I think contacting the ow has massive potential for making the op feel worse, not better. And how the op feels is my only concern.

'Emotional affair' can mean different things to different people.

The ex partner of a male friend of mine thought he and I were having an emotional affair and she still tells people we were.

We weren't. He was my friend for 10 years before he met her. We were close friends, texted a lot and he told me things that bothered him including things about his relationship. Because we were mates (still are). That's all it was. We weren't attracted to each other and there was nothing inappropriate about our interactions.

His DP at the time thought that someone in a relationship should only talk to their partner about things that upset up and never discuss their relationship with anyone else. I have seen similar views on MN threads.

OPs partner may have been emotionally invested in someone else and stopping just short of a sexual relationship. Or it may have been very far from that.

Tom I posted a thread today to ask the very same thing after reading this thread and others.

OP - I understand. I've been you, checking her profiles etc. Please, please don't contact her. You will regret it, trust me. Do you expect her to be sorry? Full of remorse? Of course not.
My version of the OW was a fucking nightmare. I responded to her message after a while, and do I ever regret it. She will view you as bitter and twisted, instead of hurt and confused.

I don't normally come on these threads, as I can't stand it. I had to tell you, just please please don't.

Actually, having spoken to a number of OW, they don't have a great feeling after an affair and I think contact from the OP will bring feelings of guilt up, which isn't a bad thing.

Regardless of what she's posting on instagram about being a new mum soon, if it was a lengthy affair and she was in love with your DP, she will have been through her own version of hell.

It's funny because the OW always thinks the BW/BP and her DP/DH are living happily ever after and he's gotten away scot free... And you have the BS thinking exactly the same.

The OW may well have her own triggers about the affair. Very few OW come out of affairs unscathed and skate away happily.

Believe it or not they feel worthless, that having professed endless love for them, they get chucked under the bus on dday and have to lick their wounds feeling like rejects.

They were the dirty little secret, brought out of the box for fun. That's not a great role to have had IMO.

Being the wronged spouse is not a free pass to bad behaviour. Behave like a dick and that makes you a dick - even if you are behaving like a dick to someone who deserves it. You are accountable for your actions at any stage.

There are a lot of bitter posts on here that would instantly make an OW feel superior, just simply for not harbouring bitterness. 'Not hard to see why he went for me when he had to that at home'.

Everyone knows what it is like to feel anger and hurt, so it is possible to sympathise. The reason that people say don't act on it is a combination of maintaining dignity and stemming the repercussions and also staying a good person yourself.

There are some people on that Hell Hath No Fury thread who need a lot of help. Some of it is shocking (congratulations for assaulting a woman and running her off the road); and some of it is more level headed. Most of it is very sad, because of the damage lots of the posters are doing to themselves.

Have you ever been in this position addto?

I understand your point of view but you're very cold.

If you forgive the person most to blame - your DP - then by default you should forgive the OW. He was the one who betrayed you.

I think a few of us on the hell hath no fury thread agree that we do need help yes-because no one would choose to feel angry, bitter, and disillusioned with people, and to seemingly have few people that recognise why we might feel like that and sympathise.Which to me is the point of that thread-as opposed to glorifying violence towards other women, which is what is being implied about it.

WateryTart, why, what does the ow do to make amends, show remorse or ask forgiveness?

It is very hard. Nobody wants to feel miserable, bitter or angry. But it feels like you have been wronged so badly, almost like a crime has been committed against you, except it isn't a crime and nobody cares really. You certainly don't get the sense of justice or satisfaction that you might get from seeing the perpetrator punished for, say, physically hurting you, so the unfairness of it all can overwhelm you.

I would never support physically harming anyone, not even ow, but certainly don't begrudge anyone a revenge fantasy, smug satisfaction when karma hits or seizing an opportunity to tell a few home truths if the opportunity arises.

I'm so busy pretending I'm not bitter, that I haven't noticed the bitterness consuming me. I didn't used to be like this, not at all.

Happy January. Because it's batshit to feel so torn up by a woman who was probably spun lies too/who doesn't know you/has no responsibility. I understand the feelings if the OW was a friend or someone you trusted. But either way some of the responses I read on the other thread were bloody awful.

I would recommend counselling to a lot of those women. I was wronged really badly but forgiveness is the only healthy way forward.

She doesn't have to do any of that, HappyJanuary.

As has been said, she's nothing to you and was probably lied to by the same man who lied to you. He's the problem and you'll feel bitter until you place the blame where it belongs.

Of course she doesn't. I'm not saying she does. I'm saying that's why feelings towards the ow run deep, and why forgiveness of the cheating partner often comes first.

And I don't buy the argument that you shouldn't be angry with her because it wasn't personal, she didn't know you.

If a stranger burgled my house without remorse, I'd be angry with them.

If a stranger pushed my child over without remorse, I'd be angry with them.

Hell, if someone cuts me up on the road and nearly causes an accident I feel angry with them.

Anger is a normal response, and without any retribution, consequences or perceived justice it is very hard to let go of no matter how many people tell you you're going about it all wrong.

Absolutely Happy January. The person that anger should be directed at is your partner because he did that to you. Did you forgive him?

Nope. But plenty of anger for two.

Addtobasket I think your post is spot on.

It was 3 years ago, the OW was single. Maybe she knew the OP was pregnant, maybe she didn't. Maybe she knew he was married and maybe she didn't! Like most OW, it is highly likely that she was spun a pack of lies to make her take an interest in a married man. A man who is not available generally makes that clear. Regardless of the situation, even if the ow knowingly got involved, she didn't sleep with him, she wasn't breaking any trust with anyone in HER life and she has now moved on and got married and is having a baby.

To wish harm or distress on a pregnant woman as a 'punishment' for something they may or may not have done 3 years ago is unbelievably fucked up. If you can't see that, you have a problem.

I'm not sure op was wishing harm or distress on a pregnant woman.

She was suggesting sending a text to prick ow's conscience and elicit some empathy.

If op is fucked up for wanting to send a text, what does that make ow, for conducting an emotional affair with a man who had a pregnant wife at home?

Do you think ow's distress at receiving a message would be more or less than op's distress at finding ow's texts and photos to her husband?

Only on mn that the poor ow is too innocent or thick to be accountable for her actions.