Should I contact OW

[Notgoodatall]

It's been 3 yrs since my partner had an emotional affair. She ruined my first pregnancy, or rather they both did. Since the fall out my partner and I have worked things out but I still check her Instagram. She is now pregnant and married. I feel like messaging her and saying I hope no one ruins your first pregnancy like you did to me. Her inspirational quotes about being a mum with a baby growing inside make me feel sick

How do you know that the OW knew he was married Happyjanuary? How do you know that the OW wasn't lied to?

You don't from the OP you are projecting I think.

You want to send a message to her to have an impact on her.

Do you think when she reads your email she'll think "I did wrong, I feel so bad I am a terrible human being "

Or think something along the lines of:

"This woman is crazy contacting me after 3 years, she's psycho. I was single at the time anyway"

As harsh as it sounds, I pretty much guarantee it will be the latter. I had a friend who shouted down and physically confronted the OW in a supermarket. She said she felt great for a few weeks but now a year later she feels embarrassed that she got caught up in it all, least of all because OW came across as a victim of a screaming woman. "Be a class act whatever you do" I remember her telling me.

Happiness is the best revenge so even though your anger is fully understandable, stop focusing on this woman and build your own contentment. If you believe in karma she'll get her due.

Maybe she knew the OP was pregnant, maybe she didn't. Maybe she knew he was married and maybe she didn't! Like most OW, it is highly likely that she was spun a pack of lies to make her take an interest in a married man.

Have you all missed that the OP calls gim her partner.

They were not married 3 years ago and they arent married now.

OW wasnt messing around with a married man.

Perhaps he said he was single. Who knows what he told ow.

The reason I always advise women to try to put the OW out of their minds and make them irrelevant (easier said than done, I know), is for their own benefit.

When your husband lights a stick of dynamite under your marriage, if you really do want to save it then you'll have to work through the anger, pain and issues that you have with him. You can't just direct all of them on to the OW. It means that when the issues arise with your husband, you won't have resolved them, just deflected them somewhere where you'll never be able to heal. And even if you go full She Devil on the OW, there will come a time when you simply cannot hurt her any more, but you've still got this anger and pain that you've never properly resolved with its real subject. What are you going to do, hunt the OW down and do another something awful to her every time your husband does something to remind you of how he betrayed you? Or every time you hear of something good happening to her?

I've tried to bite my tongue on the other thread, missed it just now I'm afraid. It seems, though, that with all the 'she preyed on him', 'well he was nice to me at some point and she wasn't', 'well he's sorry but she's never apologised to me'...well, it looks like women scorned are actually keen to justify giving their men a free ride. But that anger has to go somewhere.

Just because they aren't married doesn't belittle the fact the OP's partner had an EA.

I've been with my DP a decade, we have a home and 2 children, but is it OK for him to cheat on me as we aren't married?

I appreciate this isn't what was being said bur for the sake of this thread DH/DP in interchangeable surely? No need to be so pedantic about whether the OP is married or not.

No I don't think you should contact the woman your DP had an emotional affair with and I don't think you should be stalking her online. It's self harming clearly.

Without more details, we don't know if this woman deserves the title OW or not do we? She may have been the passive object of the DPs affections, or thought they were friends when he had other designs. Even if she was complicit or even instigated it, you clearly are not over it OP and I don't blame you for that.

I think this should be a wake up call for you to examine your feelings about DP and whether you can ever forgive him for whatever he did. It's obvious you can't forget it.

I am not sure OP plans to contact OW.. She "feels" like contacting her.

You do need to block her.
Focus on what you do have ..Focus on your Life..

I have been cheated on and yes I directed my anger at him. The right place he was the one supposed to be committed to me..

I was belittling the lack of marriage. I meant that dp potentially lied to ow. No wedding ring on etc
Who knows

wasnt belittling

Some people seem determined to defend the ow, no matter how ludicrous it sounds.

Ow was probably lied to.

Ow might have thought he was single.

Ow might not have known his partner was pregnant.

Ow might have been a passive object of his affections.

Ow might have thought she was just being friendly.

Next she'll be rescuing puppies and orphans.

Let's give the op some credit. She knows more about the situation than we do. I doubt she'd be this upset with the woman, years later, if the evidence she found suggested that this woman was unaware of what she was involved with.

OK, just to clarify a bit of terminology here:

If a woman thinks she is with a guy who is not with someone else, because eg he is separated, divorced, or just plain single, then she's not to blame. She isn't a true OW.

If she knows the guy has a partner or wife and is lying to that woman about his contact with her, then she is an OW and knows it.

Married or not is entirely irrelevant. If you share your home and bed and children with a guy, then he is an ACME husband, whatever the legal paperwork to back that up. A husband to all intents and purposes.

In my humble opinion ...

All the arguing back and forth here doesn't matter. OP must know whether ow knew about her or not. She is unable to move on completely knowing ow is going on about her pregnancy, when OP'S was 'ruined' by DP/ow.

What's more, it is OP's "fault" that she has these feelings.
No it isn't. You can't just make a decision to not have feelings. And she would have the same feelings whether she was back with DP or not, as she feels her pregnancy was ruined.

If op feels it would help her have closure and move on by messaging ow, what does it matter? She doesn't have to send a sweary, insane rant, she was merely possibly trying to prick OP's conscience and express her feelings about ow/DP shitty behaviour. Yes, it is a few years after the fact, but we all know you don't always have the best response in the heat of the moment when you've just found out. Circumstances change. IF ow knew she was involved with someone who had a (pregnant) partner, a message along these lines doesn't compare at all, so in no way is OP 'lowering herself ' to ow's level.
OP, if it will help you, send a (dignified) message, then block so you don't have to worry about any response. You're not going to be done for harassment for that. If your DP has a go, that means ow has been in touch (bad) and he is still defending her (worse). In which case it doesn't sound like he's over it either, and you might be better giving up.

OP must know whether ow knew about her or not. ...if it will help you, send a (dignified) message, then block so you don't have to worry about any response.

So is this intended to get an answer to the question, or just the online equivalent of screaming at someone from a speeding car so you can have your say but nobody else is allowed theirs? Even when they might actually have something important to tell you?

There is honestly nothing dignified about it.

I'm not surprised op hasn't been back.

She found out something that hurt her and, unable to ask the question in rl, came here.

She's been told that she should have moved on by now, that the hurtful thing shouldn't hurt her, that she shouldn't be angry with ow because she's probably blameless, that it's her own fault for staying in her relationship, that she should consider the upset her text might cause pregnant ow, that she needs counselling.

Words like mental, fucked up, nutjob and bitter have been bandied about.

Because she wanted to send a one sentence message to a woman who's bragging on fb about the sanctity of pregnancy despite being complicit in spoiling op's pregnancy.

And now someone's just asked if op just wants to 'scream something from a speeding car'. Do you know what? Maybe she does. Maybe she's been dignified for years, never said a word to ow in all that time, but thinks it'll make her feel better.

And my opinion is that it won't make her feel better. She's come online to ask us what we think, that's what I think. As with any other poster, she's free to disregard me and do whatever she likes.

May I also add that I was referring to a suggestion made by another poster, not OP. A suggestion that, yes, I do think is the equivalent of screaming from a speeding car and about as useful in healing the OP, which is the only thing I really care about.

Wow pooryorick I think I can have my say but no one else can?!?
Nope, not at all. Everyone is entitled to post their own opinion, regardless of whether we agree or not. What I read into OP's post is that she is still struggling and needs some kind of closure, so whatever pp are saying about her (and there have been some pretty unkind things), she shouldn't worry what other pp think, but do what is best for her MH and ability to move on. Many apologies if this wasn't expressed clearly enough, I in no way meant to imply that I was shouting louder and had a more valid opinion than anyone else here!! That obviously wouldn't work anyway, seeing as the nature of a discussion forum is to discuss.

If you want to tell someone how you feel and then immediately block them so they can't respond, then yes, you absolutely want your say but not for others to have the same.

But in this case, you also think OP needs to know whether OW knew about her. Well, OW can't tell OP anything if she's blocked. So it's pointless too.

Nope, you got that wrong too. Plenty of pp were saying she'd get a backlash if ow replied eg by taunting op or giving more details of her relationship with DP. I assumed messaging ow would be cathartic, if she then blocked ow she wouldn't have to worry about a reply.
I also didn't say I thought op needed to know if ow knew about her, I said I assumed op knew if ow knew about her (ie DP would have mentioned this along with other info when coming clean), and only if ow did know about her, would a message be relevant.

I'll be brutally honest, since I was quoted a couple of posts ago;

I read stuff like this/hear stuff like this and there is a part of me that thinks...well, you did this to yourself!

Nobody has to stay with a cheat. And if you have so little self-respect that you keep yourself in a "relationship" with one, then you're hardly in for a smooth ride, are you?

It's not that I don't sympathise but if your choices are making you so miserable that someone else's pregnancy is causing all this years later, then maybe they're not very good choices!

Maybe mad, but a bet a lot of ppl trying to work through an affair have a wobble or two at some point....

I'm sure they do. I just can't reconcile it!

Why on earth would you work through anything with someone who treated you so abominably?

I know it's not black and white, but fundamentally it really is...and I don't think displaced anger helps.

I think I misunderstood your comment "OP must know whether ow knew about her or not" - I took it to mean, 'OP must find out this information'. Sorry about that.

But I still disagree with throwing a comment at someone and immediately blocking them from responding. Even when that person has hurt you deeply. I really do think it is equivalent to yelling from a speeding car.

I can't help but feel there's even something a bit cowardly about it; what, you haven't got enough courage in your convictions to think you can defend them if they challenge you? Even if you let them rant back and just ignore it, that shows you're choosing to make them irrelevant. Which is what I think betrayed spouses must try to do. Far easier said than done, of course. But it's what I think they need to work towards, because otherwise you find yourself in a situation where, three years on, you're still being eaten up because something nice has happened to the OW and you can't rest...

I agree with Mags when she said, "It's not that I don't sympathise but if your choices are making you so miserable that someone else's pregnancy is causing all this years later, then maybe they're not very good choices!"

No matter how badly you were wronged, and some people are hugely, devastatingly wronged, once it's happened the only thing that matters is you and making yourself well again. And staying hung up on someone who isn't married to you, being upset for years every time something nice happens to them...what sort of a life is that?

Work towards one where the silly cow has no power over you!

Oh, I misunderstood your comment too yorick, I thought you were saying that I was screaming out of the car "don't listen to those other posters, my opinion is the best" .
But I don't think the ow would have anything important to tell op at this stage. So she doesn't need to leave it open for a response.