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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I contact OW

159 replies

Notgoodatall · 09/03/2017 22:26

It's been 3 yrs since my partner had an emotional affair. She ruined my first pregnancy, or rather they both did. Since the fall out my partner and I have worked things out but I still check her Instagram. She is now pregnant and married. I feel like messaging her and saying I hope no one ruins your first pregnancy like you did to me. Her inspirational quotes about being a mum with a baby growing inside make me feel sick

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/03/2017 06:10

I'd love to know if those calling the op 'mental' 'ridiculous' etc have been cheated on? Or been ow?

Op you are none of those things! You are UNDERSTANDABLY hurt and angry.

I too think that where ow/om knew their affair partner was with someone else they are just as responsible as the cheat!

But, block her because YOU don't deserve the grief. Karma will find her, I suspect I'm a fair bit older than you and I used to be sceptical but as I've got older I've seen it happen. Including to 'my' ow.

Also talk to your partner and explain that it still hurts and you need support to work through this. Flowers

TheNaze73 · 10/03/2017 06:20

I think you need to look at getting help. Your anger is focused at the wrong person & after 3 years it doesn't sound like you've moved on. Don't whatever you do message her. Just don't.

Florrieboo · 10/03/2017 06:30

Don't actually block her because that will let her know you have done that, you can get apps to see who blocks and unfollows you etc. Just stop checking her page.

Did she know about you?

SandyY2K · 10/03/2017 06:46

I'd love to know if those calling the op 'mental' 'ridiculous' etc have been cheated on? Or been ow?

Me too, but I doubt they'd admit it here.

I do not agree with the attitude of 'she was a stranger and owes you nothing'. That's not true and if we all do went around being complicit in an affair, causing pain and devastation to others.... Just because we allegedly 'owe them nothing', the world would be a terrible place.

The more consequences OWs receive the better IMO. It might just stop them doing it again.

OP, you aren't a nutter or unhinged or any other crazy things pp have said. You're perfectly normal and it's obvious that the infidelity has affected you deeply.

AddToBasket · 10/03/2017 06:47

I agree with almost everyone here.

You will not get 'closure' from sending a spiteful message. You will just become a person who send spiteful messages - you lose the moral high ground (it is wrong to send threatening messages to a pregnant woman). You could also damage yourself further if she contacts the police/your DH.

To the posters saying that's exactly what the OW deserves 3 yrs later: does your approach not worry you that you are adding to the churn of vindictiveness in the world?

SallyInSweden · 10/03/2017 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wingsofdesire · 10/03/2017 06:59

Oh for goodness' sake ... have a look at the thread 'Hell hath no fury', OP. More understanding views on there about the feeling of anger many very naturally have towards an OW who showed no respect at all towards you and your relationship, especially where she knew children were involved.

It's no good just saying 'it's his fault'. It wasn't just his fault. And I can quite understand why her heartfelt quotations and pictures of newborns lying on furry rugs or flower petals is irritating, to say the least. She had no respect for your pregnant time, either - and now she is revelling in her own, and would no doubt be horrified if anybody didn't consider it a lovely, perfect, sacrosanct time for her.

The OP feels angry with the OW. As she said, she also feels angry with her partner and knows his responsibility and role, but that doesn't stop her other feelings. It's no good just saying 'be angry with him instead' - it's a far more complex set of emotions than that.

Wingsofdesire · 10/03/2017 07:06

I'm surprised you want to message her and say you hope nobody ruins her first pregnancy - surely you DO hope someone ruins it?! It's the sense of injustice - that she has skipped off scot-free and is now enjoying the simple pleasures that she (in conjunction with you husband) took away from you. Of course you feel like telling her that.

Of course you won't message her, though ... because that moment of showing your hurt again will only probably ultimately make you feel demeaned. I don't say don't message her for her sake - she deserves zero consideration - but for yourself. Don't bring yourself down to her level. Be separate and serene. Keep your feelings to yourself. They are none of her business. Let her gloat. Who knows what will happen to her in the future. But you need at some point to detach from that concern, and just rise above it all. A long road, I know. But maybe just telling us on here how you feel will make you feel better.

Those who say 'direct your anger elsewhere' clearly haven't been through this and don't understand the strength of emotion.

category12 · 10/03/2017 07:08

Oh it's perfectly understandable to feel angry with the op, but she needs to think about the potential fallout. It's not worth the risk of police involvement etc. And will achieve nothing.

I wished on the ow that if she ever had a child, her bloke would cheat on her the same as mine did with her. And I understand the urge to look at the ow's social media and so on.

But for her own peace of mind, she's much better to stop feeding the rage.

I think she needs to look very closely at her own life right now. Maybe it could be happier.

category12 · 10/03/2017 07:09

Sorry not 'angry with the op', the ow! Argh.

VintagePerfumista · 10/03/2017 07:14

If you do contact her, be prepared for her to tell you like fuck was it only an emotional affair.
Those are rarer than hen's teeth love.
So then you'd discover your poor dear husband, whose innocent little penis just happened to fall into her fanny, is a liar as well as a cheater.

Do you really want that can opening up?

Get on with your life, and leave her to get on with hers.

Of course she isn't blameless if she knew he was married (I expect she pursued him relentlessly, did she? And he was enjoying the flirting, but it meant nothing more? And you were pregnant, and he was worried and same-old, same-old?) but yes, as I'm sure you've got the message by now, the father of your child ruined your pregnancy. Not her.

SoTheySentMeA · 10/03/2017 07:19

You sound a bit mental OP

Get over yourself ffs

Cruel bitchy nastiness. OP how you're feeling is NOT mental. While I agree he is the person the anger and 90% of the blame should be directed at, I dont think OW should be considered blameless. If she knew he had a partner, she should never have engaged in any form of flirtation with him.

However, ruining her pregnancy won't make you feel better. Any message would just expose to her the fact that you haven't moved on.

Also, Instagram is full of shit. No one posts things about the things that are crap in their life. Who knows, she might already be having her pregnancy ruined by something and be overcompensating with the mushy shit.

SweetieBaby · 10/03/2017 07:22

I think you are being given a hard time here OP.

I understand how you feel. My husband had an EA and I am still torn as to if I should tell her husband. It eats me up to think that she just turned away from all the devastation in my life and just went back to her life, unscathed.

But I know that I will regret telling him as soon as I press the send button. I want to cause her pain and misery but I don't want to deal with any unintended consequences.

What if her husband has a heart attack as a result of the shock of finding out?

In your case, what if she lost her baby? Would living with that make you happy?

It angers me that as the innocent party we are urged to do the right thing, be the better person. I'm not telling you to be any of those. Just really, really think about what you are going to do, what the repurcussions could be and whether you, and your marriage, would survive these.

Come over to the hell hath no fury thread. Rant and rave about the ow all you want there and then see how you feel.

Flowers
Jellybellyqueen · 10/03/2017 07:32

The more consequences OWs receive the better IMO.

Couldn't agree more.

AddToBasket · 10/03/2017 08:00

JellyBellyQueen - doesn't this come at the cost of you being a nice person? Aren't you then also guilty of spite?

MorrisZapp · 10/03/2017 08:09

I don't blame anybody for their feelings, but we all have control of our actions. Perhaps there are people out there who deliberately and purposefully set out to harm others by inserting themselves into their relationships. I'm not saying it's never happened.
But far more common is people getting involved with people they fancy because they fancy them. If the OW was single and god knows what the married guy was telling her, there's nothing to be objectively angry with her about. I get that feelings aren't objective and if it was me perhaps I'd feel murderous too.

But as an adult you have to master your actions. Any communication with her now could be interpreted as harassment in the eyes of the law. It would almost certainly be interpreted by the receiver as proof of how unstable you are, no doubt in line with whatever your husband told her at the time.
Fwiw I find the Woman Scorned thread absolutely horrifying, it validates the absolute worst and most harmful double moral standards.

Chops2016 · 10/03/2017 08:22

Not being funny but the OP didn't actually mention whether the OW even knew her DH was married, never mind that his wife was pregnant.. She may have been lead to believe he was single for all we know.

If this is not the case and she did know it isn't her babies fault. Leave her be. Move on.

Jellybellyqueen · 10/03/2017 08:28

Addto not necessarily. If it's eating away at OP and still playing on her mind after 3 years, a simple "Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope karma treats you in the same way you treated me while I was pregnant. From the wife of the idiot you had your affair with. ' should do. Would give me closure, then block and move on. Don't see why OW shouldn't feel guilty about her shitty behaviour. Might make her realise what a totally crappy thing it was that she did. (Obviously not the case if dh told her he was single - I'm assuming OP knows if this is the case or not.)

HappyJanuary · 10/03/2017 08:30

A single message of the nature outlined by op would not constitute harassment, and need not make her look unstable, mental, bunny boiling or any of the horrible terms levelled at op here.

category12 · 10/03/2017 08:39

Happyjanuary - After three years, it will absolutely be received by the ow as obsessive on the op's part and potentially actionable. There is no way she's going to view it any other way.

EpoxyResin · 10/03/2017 08:41

As much as she deserves something to make her look long and hard at the choices she's made in the past OP, I suspect any message you could send at this point would only elicit pity from the OW. Don't do it. And block her on Instagram.

AddToBasket · 10/03/2017 08:42

But Jelly that IS a nasty thing to do: you become a person who sends emails that wish people harm?

OllyBJolly · 10/03/2017 08:43

DP so they're not married. We don't know that the OW knew about the pregnancy so in her head the DP could have been a free agent.

DP is the guilty party. Why is OW more culpable than the father of the child OP is carrying?

Would a message spoil her pregnancy? Or would it confirm what she was told by the DP - my partner doesn't understand me type guff? Three years on all a message would do is reinforce that you haven't let go and moved on while everyone else has. And I'd suspect you haven't moved on because there are issues there and do you want OW to know that?

Jellybellyqueen · 10/03/2017 09:01

Addto you reap what you sow. It's only wishing upon ow what she did to op in the first place. Hardly expressing an interest in her imminent demise! If it helps op get some kind of emotional closure, I think it's fair.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 10/03/2017 09:09

Yeah, great way to place virtually all the blame on another woman. She wasn't the one who was with you. Your partner was - he was the one who betrayed you.

Personally I find it strange that you have found her online and are now seemingly preoccupied with her personal life, and are thinking of ways you can ruin it. Tell me how you think you can ruin it? What are you going to do?

And if you did decide to do anything, you'd be even worse, morally speaking, than she is. Just move on, or direct your anger towards the person who was actually to blame for ruining your pregnancy.