Should I contact OW

[Notgoodatall]

It's been 3 yrs since my partner had an emotional affair. She ruined my first pregnancy, or rather they both did. Since the fall out my partner and I have worked things out but I still check her Instagram. She is now pregnant and married. I feel like messaging her and saying I hope no one ruins your first pregnancy like you did to me. Her inspirational quotes about being a mum with a baby growing inside make me feel sick

"But far more common is people getting involved with people they fancy because they fancy them" referring to ow

"But as an adult you have to master your actions" referring to op

"it validates the absolute worst and most harmful double moral standards." Oh the irony (or is it cognitive dissonance ?)

Do you REALLY not see the contradiction there? The ow 'can't help it' but the op has to 'master her actions' ? Please! That's an appalling double standard!

OP you're still with your partner? So there were literally no consequences for what he did to you. But you want to ruin the other woman's pregnancy? Sorry, I have to be honest, I think that's really messed up.

If you really want to show her how you felt Op, which is completely understandable. Instead of telling her she ruined your pregnancy, I would send an anonymous message claiming to be having an affair with her husband. I wouldn't really but I would so want to

In reality, put yourself first, be kind to yourself and let it go, the pain is still hurting you and it may mean you cant move on or forgive your DH, maybe its time to end things If it is still taking over your life in this way. I couldn't live with such a betrayal, pregnant or not, it would be over

x

If you contact the other woman with nasty comments or anything else, that's harrassment and you could end up getting a letter from her solicitor or worse. It potentially could damage the relationship with your partner.
You are still very angry. But you don't want to be angry with your partner, so your mind tries to find someone else to blame. Do you find yourself thinking about the OW and checking her instagram more if you are stressed and anxious yourself? Like when you are feeling vulnerable you instantly go and check her page?
Go and see and a counsellor and and talk it through with them, they will not judge you. That would help you a lot and let you go on and live a freer happier life without being persecuted by thoughts of this other woman. It's kind of normal on one hand that you are checking her Instagram, because you want to control her and keep her away from your partner. But it's this checking strategy is making your life more miserable than it is helping at this point.

Give it a rest autumn. You said some pretty harsh things on my thread yesterday, don't start with me and what I say on this thread, please. I wasn't the person who originally said it, I merely agreed. If I'm not mistaken, from what I have read on previous threads, the originator of the comment has a lot of experience of affairs and the fall out in a professional capacity, so I would tend to think her opinions are well informed.
I didn't say the OP'S dh wasn't as bad as the ow. I also said it wasn't appropriate to comment if ow was under the impression he was single.

autumn no, I gave my opinion. Which you also did. I'm not having a go at you because your opinion is not the same as mine, so stop deliberately picking apart what I have been saying. If you had an issue with the comment you referred to, take it up with the original poster, otherwise it's starting to look as if you have a problem with me.

Autumn And I accept your apology, however, after reading my first post I cannot see how it was not harsh to be told I had made my bed because I gave a second chance to oh (who had clearly demonstrated an intent to cheat on me).

Apologies for derailment of your thread OP. IF Autumn has any further issues with my comments, s/he is welcome to PM me.

Sadie gives great advice. OP, this is no way to live. You don't need to force your hurt and anger down, no decent counsellor would advise that. But you do need to process these feelings in a way that doesn't do further harm to yourself, your relationship or others.

Itsnotwhatitseems - ooh i like your thinking

Step away from instagram. Bitterness like this is only fucking you up: like drinking the poison and expecting her to die. Resolve the issues in your marriage with your husband.

Op are you aware of what he told her at the time?

autumn that's the way it read. I'm not angry at you, I was merely stating my opinion. Yours is different, that's fine.
Re other thread: you misinterpreted me, I misinterpreted you. Again, fine.
Wasn't aware I was being sanctimonious or silly.
No further derailment necessary.

I think the preoccupation is what does she have that I dont re the OW.

Perhaps the op should have left her dp if 3 years later she is still this consumed by it.

Most people dont know that instagram defaults to public viewing unless it is changed. I didnt.

it still doesn't constitute harassment, no matter how many times people claim it does.

And only on mn that we're all supposed to maintain a dignified silence in the face of mistreatment. You call it being the bigger person, I call it being a mug.

A pp waffling on about 'but that will turn you into a bad person'. So fucking what.

If someone burned your house down you wouldn't turn the other cheek because you were worried about looking nice.

I've been served so much shit by xh and his ow that it chokes me, sucking it all up with a big smile for everyone else's benefit, telling everyone I'm fine, unable to do a damn thing to them for fear of the consequences.

I haven't so much as raised my voice, not once. I thought we were in love, decades old relationship and a clear future, yet now heartbroken.

Years have passed but I still feel traumatised by it all, fundamentally changed into a different person and no amount of 'working on myself' or counselling or turning the other cheek helps.

I don't want what ow has, bloody hell he's asked to come back to me more times than I can count, and ive built a great life (kids, friends, job) but an opportunity for a bit a retribution against her? Yes please. He's been punished, he's suffering, but she's not.

HappyJanuary it is about losing face.

The OW has already had an EA with her husband. Why massage her ego even more by letting her know she is still on the OPs mind THREE years later. If it had been 3 months, maybe.

But 3 years?! All it will do is show the OW that she has moved on and the OP still has not. Why demean yourself in such a way?

If the OW replies something along the lines of my husband stays faithful and yours clearly still cant and my man married me and your man still wont marry you.......how would that make the OP feel?

She is likely to tell her to fuck off back.

Or if she gets no reply at all?

Will OP feel instantly better? Or much much worse?

I'd wager the latter. You say something at the time or not at all. The OP will just look jealous that OW has a faithful man and she didnt.

Why people think letting rip will cure all these feelings I'll never know. It would make you feel worse.

Closure is like vomit. It comes from within. You purge it or you end your relationship.

Ive also been made a fool of cheated on lied to and now they're married. I say nothing.

My resolulve comes from the fact that she married a lying cheating rat.

They deserve each other. That's all the closure I need.

Were I to have contacted her and given it both barrells they both wouldnt have seen the errors of their ways. She would have laughed at me and woukd have said I'm glad I left if this is what you're like.

I wont behave as badly as they did.

If you want to ....go right ahead. Tell us all how happy it made you and what it solved.

I have no opinion on whether op should contact ow or not but some of the comments on here are hard to swallow, almost like her feelings are her own fault for staying with him, or secondary to the poor ow's who was probably lied to and deserves to enjoy her pregnancy.

Heaven forbid you should rock the boat or send a single message that might bring the wrath of the police or a tiresome perfunctory solicitors letter.

I've behaved impeccably and let me tell you it doesn't bring the peace that some of you think it should.

Op, you do what you think will help you to feel better, send it, don't send it but for gods sake don't worry what anyone else thinks.