Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Do I confess?

140 replies

conflictedandtorn · 05/03/2017 19:13

About 6 months ago I went to work overseas for 3 months. I met a guy there and we had an instant attraction. We are both married with children and initially nothing happened apart from long conversations. This became flirting and a week before I left we had a one night stand. The fact I was leaving, would never see him again and months of pent up sexual energy led to a mistake I will feel guilty about forever.

My dilemma is whether to tell my DH? The likelihood of him finding out is very low and it certainly won't be repeated. Does honesty in a marriage trump all else or is it worse to cause him unnecessary pain when I have definitely learnt my lesson and deeply regret cheating? Please help me see with more clarity.

OP posts:

Shayelle · 05/03/2017 19:14

TwitterQueen1 · 05/03/2017 19:15

I wouldn't

goinglocomoto · 05/03/2017 19:17

Don't tell

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 19:17

Personally i think he has a right to know. And then decide for himself.

mnbvcxzl · 05/03/2017 19:18

Yes I think you should tell him.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 05/03/2017 19:20

Don't tell

HarryElephante · 05/03/2017 19:23

No.

StillaChocoholic · 05/03/2017 19:24

I think he has a right to know that his wife has been unfaithful. He also has the right to decide whether he wants to remain in the relationship or not. You should absolutely tell him.

Emboo19 · 05/03/2017 19:25

Would you want to know, if he'd done it?
Personally I'd want to know, and so I'd tell my boyfriend.

LoudestRoar · 05/03/2017 19:26

This is the type of dilemma that only you can answer, weighing up any guilt you have, and how you think your dh will react. Any answers you get here will probably be split down the middle. You'll also need to decide if you are just wanting to tell your dh to alievate your guilt.

piefacedClique · 05/03/2017 19:27

No. It's selfish on your part. You feel guilty and remorseful and want to offload to someone who has done nothing wrong. Why should he be made to feel shit just to ease your guilt?

joystir59 · 05/03/2017 19:27

I don't think you are ever going to feel ok about what happened and would normally say that you must tell OH. But because you have dependent children I'm not sure honesty is the right policy in this case. What was wrong with your marriage that made you do what you did? Perhaps now you should focus on making your marriage work so that you don't ever want to repeat this mistake.

Cuppaoftea · 05/03/2017 19:28

Yes you should confess. I'd want to know, wouldn't you if the tables were turned?

You had an emotional affair and then made the choice to have sex with OM. Your DH gets to decide whether he wants to try to work through this or leave you.

2cats2many · 05/03/2017 19:30

Don't tell. If you really need to talk about it, pay for some counselling.

user1483387154 · 05/03/2017 19:30

You should tell him and then he can decide if you are the type of person he wants to be with.

It is not about telling him to offload your guilt but to give him the chance to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you after you behaved this way.

Castleonacloud · 05/03/2017 19:31

You say you had a one night stand, but it wasn't really. It was months of build up and deception, not just one night of madness. This is more to forgive than just a quickie with a random, IMO.

Is it worth risking your whole marriage breaking your family by telling the truth. Maybe you need to find a way to deal with it and forgive yourself, then be the wife you want to be...

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 05/03/2017 19:34

Ask yourself 'what do I want to achieve by telling him'.

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 05/03/2017 19:34

I think don't tell him. You've made a mistake. You've learnt from it. You'll never do it again.

You'll feel better for telling him for a short space of time then the realisation of what you've told him will hit.

You just have to live with your guilt. He doesn't need to know.

ChocolateFuzz · 05/03/2017 19:36

Tell him! He has a right to know.

wherearemymarbles · 05/03/2017 19:37

I depends if you really want to spend the test of your life with this guy.

He will never trust you again. Im these circumstances I wouldnt want to know.

You should shoulder your guilt yourself.
Of course he might also have used the time apart to have a flimg or two of his own.

myoriginal3 · 05/03/2017 19:37

No.

AshesandDust · 05/03/2017 19:39

Don't tell. It's your guilt to live with don't spread the misery.

ChocolateFuzz · 05/03/2017 19:39

How would you feel if your husband kept a massive secret from you for decades?

Original poster

conflictedandtorn · 05/03/2017 19:40

He'd definitely leave. He has a very strong moral code. There are problems in the marriage - I would like to go part time to spend more time with my DC but his career has stagnated and he doesn't do anything about it. I am therefore the breadwinner in a stressful job with lots of travelling. I know this isn't an excuse and these are minor problems compared to some. I probably did find OM's success part of the attraction though.

OP posts:

SorrelSoup · 05/03/2017 19:41

Don't tell him. If you find yourself doing anything like that again then you must tell him.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread