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Original poster

Do I confess?

140 replies

conflictedandtorn · 05/03/2017 19:13

About 6 months ago I went to work overseas for 3 months. I met a guy there and we had an instant attraction. We are both married with children and initially nothing happened apart from long conversations. This became flirting and a week before I left we had a one night stand. The fact I was leaving, would never see him again and months of pent up sexual energy led to a mistake I will feel guilty about forever.

My dilemma is whether to tell my DH? The likelihood of him finding out is very low and it certainly won't be repeated. Does honesty in a marriage trump all else or is it worse to cause him unnecessary pain when I have definitely learnt my lesson and deeply regret cheating? Please help me see with more clarity.

OP posts:
Original poster
conflictedandtorn · 05/03/2017 19:44

I don't think I'd want to know if tables were reversed but I hate conflict so can be a bit of an ostrich. I have shocked myself by how easily I was able to forget about DH when in the moment with OM. I need to remember how sick that made me feel when I recalled it.

OP posts:
neighbourhoodwitch · 05/03/2017 19:47

No no no

Mumtobe12 · 05/03/2017 19:47

Just think how you would feel if shoe was on other foot would you want to know? It wasn't just sex you were flirting for months and you say there are other issues which I think you need to think about and talk about with you husband. It seems like there a reason behind the affair which I think needs to be address and not ignored or it's just going to happen again. Good luck in whatever you decide

MagnumPieEye · 05/03/2017 19:49

Don't tell him but if you ever feel you're going to do it again, consider that your marriage should probably be over.

Underthemoonlight · 05/03/2017 19:49

I personally couldn't live with the guilt. I would be honest.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/03/2017 19:52

No don't tell him. What can it possibly achieve apart from a heap of hurt and distress? You had a ONS ... so what? I would not want to know if it was my DP - I'd be annoyed if they told me because once I'd been told I couldn't then 'unhear' it.
Honesty is important in a marriage yes but sometimes you have to do what's right for the greater good. Destroying your marriage and your children's lives is not working for the greater good.
Just forget it happened and get on with your life.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2017 19:55

No I wouldn't, you'll just hurt him and end the marriage.

FritzDonovan · 05/03/2017 19:55

Yes. I would want to know if it were me
As much as you say it won't happen again, you said you totally forgot dh in the moment, and you need to remember how sick you felt when you recall that.
It wasn't a one off instant, was it? There was a lead up in which you could have stopped but didn't, because you felt good, wanted it and knew dh would never find out. If you get away with it, chances are you will feel exactly the same and do exactly the same further down the line. Especially as you have so much opportunity by working away.
Own up. Your DH deserves your respect, at least.

PushingThru · 05/03/2017 19:56

Knowing he'd definitely leave, I think you're considering a confession to force an end to a marriage you're not happy about anymore. You could, of course, separate without needing to say anything about the cheating.

TheNaze73 · 05/03/2017 19:59

Tell him. Your marriage is obviously done already or otherwise you'd not have done, what you did

Cuppaoftea · 05/03/2017 19:59

You forgot him easily when having sex with the OM? Your DH deserves better.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 05/03/2017 20:01

Of course you should tell him, not to alleviate your own guilt, but so that he knows and can make his own decision about if he wants to continue with the marriage.

There's no way I would forgive, and I'd be pretty pissed if my partner kept it from me and convinced themselves that the reason was to "save me unnecessary pain", because let's be honest, if someone was that bothered about not hurting their partners feelings they'd keep their pants on during work trips.

Jellbellyqueen · 05/03/2017 20:18

Don't be so selfish. If you have to remindyourself to remember how it felt to betray your partner, you obviously don't feel that bad about it. This sounds like a n opportunity you will likely repeat once the guilt has worn off, as you obviously felt like you were entitled to do whatever made you feel good at the time.
Do you resent your DP not having made more of their career? Maybe they are restricted by having to fit it in around looking after your kids while you are merrily working away and developing relationships with other ppl.
Yes, honesty is important in marriage. If you cover this up and don't admit your mistake you are not an honest person. You can't just be honest about the little things.
I can't believe the number of ppl saying to cover it up. Would you be happy if your DP was away shagging someone else and was told not to tell you, because you'd never find out by yourself? I doubt it

AlecTrevelyan006 · 05/03/2017 20:25

If you genuinely regret your actions and are confident it won't happen again then I wouldn't tell him. If you think it is a symptom of malaise within your marriage then you probably need to address that.

Jellbellyqueen · 05/03/2017 20:40

She might genuinely regret it now, but with no consequences I would almost bet on it happening again. OP I imagine you never thought you would cheat before this, just as you now say you won't do it again. You did. You will. You don't exactly sound like you're wasting away from guilt. How have you learnt your lesson? There are no consequences for you. You haven't lost anything, but you don't deserve your dh's trust.

Whisky2014 · 05/03/2017 20:42

Don't tell

Original poster
conflictedandtorn · 05/03/2017 20:42

Jellybean, there's some truth in your statement that I resent him not having more drive but he certainly isn't sacrificing that to look after the kids. We have complicated and expensive childcare to cope with my work trips. He does unsociable hours too and I have to find the childcare solutions.

But yes in the moment list overtook my judgement and I am not proud of who I have become. I just don't know if I'd be telling him for his benefit or my own.

In another reality I probably would have left DH for OM but he lives abroad and we both have kids so drawing a line and stopping contact when I returned to the UK was definitely the right call to avoid a very messy breakup of two relationships and kids schooling and lives plus probably not being able to be in the same country.

Argh it's all such a mess. I hate myself but still know I had feelings for OM but now need to pull my socks up and be a grown up with real life, kids and a marriage to get on with.

I don't much like the person I've become in the last 6 months but I'm still my kids' mum and I know that is my priority. I don't want to do them untold damage.

My DH definitely deserves better than a cheap tart who can put her real life and responsibilities to one side for selfish pleasure but it happened and I don't want it to again. I want to learn how to live with what I have and be happy as a family again. I'm very aware I might have left that too late though.

OP posts:
Mumtobe12 · 05/03/2017 20:52

Parents staying together for the sake of the kids does them more damage than breaking up. Don't not tell him because of that your kids will resent this in the future.

PoorYorick · 05/03/2017 20:59

In this case, I can't see what is to be gained for anyone by telling him.

HHNF · 05/03/2017 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 05/03/2017 21:05

Well if the tables were turned and it were my dh who done it and he was filled with regret and realised his mistake and wouldn't do it again. No, I wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want to upset and disrupt my children and our life's for one mistake he had learned from that I'd never find out about.

ddssdd · 05/03/2017 21:05

It sounds like you were trying to escape from the humdrum of life. But there are other ways to get that excitement without breaking your vows (sorry, not meant to sound patronising).

I think if you were going to tell him, you would have done months ago; you didn't, so what possible reason could you have to tell him now?

gingeristhenewblack43 · 05/03/2017 21:07

If the opportunity arises again then you may think 'I got away with it last time, so I can again' regardless of how you feel right here right now.

offside · 05/03/2017 21:11

After your last update, I say you should tell him. It definitely wasn't just a one night stand, and you had/have much more invested in it.

I don't believe your statement in your OP that it definitely won't happen again, you're using your marriage problems as an excuse, and unless you work them out, there's very much a probability that it will happen again in my opinion - you don't sound as remorseful as you think you are.

Jellbellyqueen · 05/03/2017 21:15

Exactly ginger.
If she feels like doing it again, how is it any different from before? It isn't. Do it, get away with it, repeat.
If you would have left dh for OM given the opportunity, I'd say you don't have enough love and respect for him to stay in the marriage and not expect it to happen again. He needs to know how you feel at the very least. Imagine if one day he told you out of the blue that he wanted to leave as he had found someone more exciting to shag. I'm sure you would have wanted to know. It's not all about you and your feelings. There are other ppl who deserve not to be lied to.

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