Do I confess?

[conflictedandtorn]

About 6 months ago I went to work overseas for 3 months. I met a guy there and we had an instant attraction. We are both married with children and initially nothing happened apart from long conversations. This became flirting and a week before I left we had a one night stand. The fact I was leaving, would never see him again and months of pent up sexual energy led to a mistake I will feel guilty about forever.

My dilemma is whether to tell my DH? The likelihood of him finding out is very low and it certainly won't be repeated. Does honesty in a marriage trump all else or is it worse to cause him unnecessary pain when I have definitely learnt my lesson and deeply regret cheating? Please help me see with more clarity.

Ginger, nobody is claiming to be perfect here so you can put that straw man down for starters. Also, most people don't consider infidelity as some trivial 'flaw' or something to be passed off as 'a lack of judgement'. You are right that successful marriage is a partnership, and again for most people that comes with transparency, honesty and respect for each other's boundaries. If you feel you can't respect those basic tenants and see nothing wrong with lying to your partner over your indiscretions then don't get married to someone who finds these traits important. It's not difficult, if you want shag around join a swingers group where everyone is on the same page.

There was me thinking it was good thing to be mature in a relationship. My bad.

Not at all. It's not a bad thing to be mature in a relationship, no one is saying that. But being mature and being understanding that people make mistakes they might regret are not mutually exclusive ways of being.

It's 'mature' to accept a partner cheating?

Pull the other one, it's got a solicitor's letter on it!

It's only a mistake as you call it onemore, if the perpetrator gets caught. Up till then (waves Jedi hand) it never happened?

I call that very immature, childish even. I prefer a relationship with a grown-up.

Methinks alot of secret shaggers on here trying to justify their own indiscretions to themselves by normalising them to others.

I mean who in their right mind would rather not know if their own partner had done this!? Only someone who was feeling massively guilty themselves surely

How perfect it must be in some people's black and white lives. How incredibly lucky you are. Ps. FYI Not a secret shagger and nice nice shiny clean conscience! Just trying to display a little understanding as nobody is Perfect!

Just trying to display a little understanding as nobody is Perfect!

Looking forward to you defending a cheater then when their partner posts, devastated that they have discovered an affair.

Not sure the 'little understanding' and 'no one is perfect' line will go down too well tbh.

How am I defending her?

I always say that if my DP cheated and genuinely regretted it, wanted to stay with me etc etc then it's up to them to shoulder that guilt and live with it- not for me to be burdened with the hurt and the rebuilding of trust. I wouldn't want to know. If it happened more than once though I think you'd need to rethink your relationship and be honest about what it had happened.

so did you tell them that in advance?

Methinks alot of secret shaggers on here trying to justify their own indiscretions to themselves by normalising them to others

What makes you say that? I've been with my OH over 10 years and haven't had the least desire to sleep with anyone else. Couldn't think of anything I want to do less.

It's only a mistake as you call it onemore, if the perpetrator gets caught. Up till then (waves Jedi hand) it never happened?

How so? OP hasn't been caught but still considers what she did 'a mistake' though. Sorry, genuine question.

I overlooked such an indiscretion from a previous male partner quite sucessfully. The relationshp didn't last but that was because he emptied our joint bank account when we had been saving to buy our first house so that he could buy a new windsurfer (he already had one) which he then hid at a friend's house. Now that upset me a lot more than the silly drunken ONS.

Do you not think both things were linked and when you overlooked his infidelity you were leaving yourself open to having your money stolen? Your partner had a one night stand. You overlooked the fact that he did not keep his promises, didn't value your relationship or you particularly highly, and did something you would not approve of behind your back. So no surprise he did it again.

Op, whether you tell or not, your relationship is in difficulty.

You sound like a pathetic coward to be honest. Attempting to partially blame your cheating on your partners 'stagnated career' is a clear example of your distinct lack of character. Due to you mentioning that part of the appeal of this man was his success, along with your wish to only work part-time, it seems that you clearly resent that the traditional gender roles have been somewhat reversed in your marriage. Unless you can come to terms with this then I can only imagine you will continue to be unhappy.

If you care about your partner then you should tell him the truth. He may well leave you, but he definitely deserves the chance to make that choice.

Do you not think both things were linked and when you overlooked his infidelity you were leaving yourself open to having your money stolen

Possibly, but there were a number of years between the two incidents - about 8. And we were young (21 I think) and not married. I don't regret overlooking his ONS - I think it was right to give him another chance - we had a lot of fun in those intervening years. It just wasn't meant to be forever.