Do I confess?

[conflictedandtorn]

About 6 months ago I went to work overseas for 3 months. I met a guy there and we had an instant attraction. We are both married with children and initially nothing happened apart from long conversations. This became flirting and a week before I left we had a one night stand. The fact I was leaving, would never see him again and months of pent up sexual energy led to a mistake I will feel guilty about forever.

My dilemma is whether to tell my DH? The likelihood of him finding out is very low and it certainly won't be repeated. Does honesty in a marriage trump all else or is it worse to cause him unnecessary pain when I have definitely learnt my lesson and deeply regret cheating? Please help me see with more clarity.

You shagged someone else and your dh has the right to know and decide if he wants to stay with you.

It may be a mistake to you but you still choose to shag that man, your an adult that was your choice and now you should own up.

You need honestly in a marriage

Um Yes you tell him, you cheated on him and it's not your choice if he stays with you that should be up to him.

I'm sure it is a mistake to you now but you flirted for months, and at that moment you wanted sex with that man. If you were really that happy in your marriage why did you fuck him?? Yes you could use the rubbish reason of He was a man and he was there but you still didn't have to go to bed with him.

Would you want to know if behind your back your dh had done the naughty with someone? Cos I sure as hell would

Honestly if you can't be honest with the man you married then why are you together? Shouldn't your dh be the 1 person you can have complete honesty with

Tell him im horrified that so many are saying dont tell u must be honest and let him decide what happens next

No, don't say anything. It will make it all so much harder. There's no reason... you've regretted it and will never do it again while having to live with it.

No don't tell him.
But I would think long and hard if you want to stay in your marriage. It dosnt sound as though it is much fun though.

caffelatte I'm calling bullshit on that one. How many ppl post on here about the perpetrator of the affair going on to repeat a second time (or more)? Everyone who goes to counselling and gets through it advocates honesty and transparency, and how without consequences nothing changes...

Why do so many on this site think honesty in relationships only applies to men?

Disguised at people on here saying don't tell.

No doubt the same mob that chant LTB if DH is spotted chatting to another woman

How could anyone even contemplate being so disrespectful to their partner as to not confess to such an act

The lying is worse than the cheating and if roles were reversed you'd want to know

The relationship will never ever be the same but at least have the decency to tell the truth and let him see if he can forgive.

Absolutely do not tell him.

Absolutely do not tell him.

Why not? Poor guy. Shame on you.

You decide like this - turn the tables.
If he shagged someone else, would you want him to tell you?
You might also want to consider that you may have passed an std to your dh.
You know you should tell him.

If you can say hand on heart that you won't do it again ever AND you can learn to live with your mistake then don't tell him. To err is human. And it sounds opportunistic you do not come across as a habitual sleaze bag.

But you should address what lead to you cheating and strengthen your relationship so that it never happens again.

Jesus, it's no wonder there's so many broken relationships around with all you ppl who think it's fine to shag outside of marriage and hide it. Your morals floor me.

A relationship is 'working' then, if one partner has cheated and covered it up? Great.

Don"t tell

Mumsnet double standards and hypocrisy on full show here.

I don't think anyone is condoning the affair or saying that it's ok to hide it to help her out or give her a pat her on the back and say well done shagger, you got away with it!!!. my comment to hide it certainly isn't for her sake it's for the sake of the husband. She had a long emotional affair which she followed up with a physical one. It was her choice. As a result she feels shit about it and instead of taking that shit on board and dealing with it and suffering the guilt in silence she wants to share the misery and tell him. Misery clearly loves company! I don't feel she wants to tell him so things can get better she wants to tell him so she doesn't feel shit on her own. How selfish is that? And then maybe he will make the decision easy for her, she said he would leave. If that's what she wants then there are other ways around it.

pie she shouldn't tell him in order to share the misery, she should tell him because he shouldn't have to live in ignorance with a cheat - that's what I and others have been saying. It's not her right to hide that.
HHNF don't fully agree there- I'd class a relationship as pretty broken if one side was a lying cheat. If they consequently separated, hopefully he'd go on to have a lovely relationship with a non selfish individual ie. Not a broken relationship! And of course an affair means something is wrong!

As the husband I would only want to know if she was doing it to show remorse and with a genuine desire to make things better. If I was being told because mumsnetters said I should or because that's what some people with such strong morals thought then I definitely wouldn't want to. A strong moral compass can't just mean tell him and fuck the consequences.... "sorry my moral compass was experiencing problems for the months my affair took place but it's ok now.... it's fully working again because everyone else's lives have been destroyed!" Lives and relationships complicated... it's not black or white! . it's not as simple surely as tell don't tell!

HHNF at 6.39, you are spot on. There will be some posters who are insisting on complete transparency whose DPs have cheated but they are nine the wiser. I'm not condoning the OP's behaviour but it is a reality that secrets and lies are often enmeshed within the fabric of relationships to varying degrees. No matter how well you may think you know your partner.

IME this kind of secret often has a way of coming out. Right now you have the opportunity to confess, show remorse and a willingness to play fair. If it's out of your hands you won't and your marriage break-up will become a reality whether you like it or not.