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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I confess?

140 replies

conflictedandtorn · 05/03/2017 19:13

About 6 months ago I went to work overseas for 3 months. I met a guy there and we had an instant attraction. We are both married with children and initially nothing happened apart from long conversations. This became flirting and a week before I left we had a one night stand. The fact I was leaving, would never see him again and months of pent up sexual energy led to a mistake I will feel guilty about forever.

My dilemma is whether to tell my DH? The likelihood of him finding out is very low and it certainly won't be repeated. Does honesty in a marriage trump all else or is it worse to cause him unnecessary pain when I have definitely learnt my lesson and deeply regret cheating? Please help me see with more clarity.

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 05/03/2017 21:15

He has a right to know. Did you use protection??

Suspendersformybelief · 05/03/2017 21:52

I agree with PP who said you might be considering telling him as a way out.

I think if you genuinely regretted it and loved your DH and wanted to work on your marriage, you wouldn't be considering telling him something you know would mean the end for him.

This dilemma doesn't sound like it's driven by guilt. You sound like you are looking for a way out. Or something to spice things up. Or to self destruct.

LovelyUnicorn83 · 05/03/2017 21:58

Don't tell him. Youre never going to see this man again so forget it and move on

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 05/03/2017 22:06

Well if the tables were turned and it were my dh who done it and he was filled with regret and realised his mistake and wouldn't do it again. No, I wouldn't want to know. I wouldn't want to upset and disrupt my children and our life's for one mistake he had learned from that I'd never find out about.
^^ this

DearMrDilkington · 05/03/2017 22:10

I'd tell him, I'd want to know if my dp had cheated.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 22:16

He'd definitely leave

So if you want him to leave, then tell him.

Are you sorry you did it? Do you feel remorseful?

If there's no chance of him ever finding out, then work on yourself through self reflection and personal development.

Jellbellyqueen · 05/03/2017 22:22

Can't believe how many ppl are saying that they would be content being cheated on, as long as they didn't find out. Don't you have any self respect? I doubt very much that anyone who has gotten away with it once never does it again. Very depressing to hear.
You're getting two answers OP. 'No' from ppl who would bury their head in the sand to protect their lifestyle, or have never been cheated on. And 'yes' who have been affected by cheating, or believe in being honest and working through problems rather than hiding from them.
Have you decided what you will do?

SherlockStones · 06/03/2017 00:55

I find all the "don't tell" posts laughable if the shoe was on the other foot there would be a chorus of LTB.

He deserves to know, you should not be able to step out in your marriage then dictate the narrative, he should be the once deciding whether he wants to remain with someone who has been unfaithful.

Typical hypocrisy of MN in full force in this thread.

FritzDonovan · 06/03/2017 01:12

^^ agree 100%.
If my OH had done something I would want to know, if only to work on the causes to make sure it wasn't going to happen again. You are basically treating your DP and the relationship with contempt if you continue to hide your 'mistake'. You can't trust yourself not to do it again if nothing changes. Step up and learn from it.

Original poster
conflictedandtorn · 06/03/2017 02:05

Thanks for all the comments. I am disgusted with myself but partly because I didn't think I was capable of this. Have never been unfaithful or even fancied anyone since I've been with my DH.

I want the marriage to work and I want our children to grow up with both parents around.

Some things do have to change and I fucked up massively. I know this wasn't the way to sort out my marriage but it was so nice to feel desirable, intelligent and sexy again that I lost all perspective and morality (we did use a condom though).

I don't want to tell him. I know it would hurt him immeasurably and I know he would leave. I know that's also cowardly and he deserves better. We wouldn't come back from it as he doesn't forgive and forget.

I'm still pretty confused and disgusted.

OP posts:
Jellybellyqueen · 06/03/2017 02:23

Sorry, but it's all about you here. You never thought you'd do it, but you did. So chances are you'd do it again. We all like to feel desirable etc and chances are this is not that frequent in a large with a lot of drudgery. But we don't all shit all over our relationship just to feel good. There's no excuse, as you well know. Stop trying to justify it. Own up, it's his decision whether or not you deserve a second chance. Stop being so bloody selfish. I think your kids are better off with parents who are not deceitful in order to get what they want, in the long run.

Jellybellyqueen · 06/03/2017 02:24

*in a life with a lot of drudgery

Teabay · 06/03/2017 06:51

Go for some counselling, talk it through and then you'll be able to decide for you what to do.

Good luck Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 06/03/2017 07:09

I think the way you feel about everything means that you are likely to do it again. You'll last a year or two, then slip up when the opportunity presents. You need to change the dynamic in your relationship, if you want things to change.

SloanyAnne · 06/03/2017 07:14

Have you been STI tested since? If not, you should really get yourself checked.

SloanyAnne · 06/03/2017 07:17

Sorry. Just read that you used a condom.

BreatheDeep · 06/03/2017 07:56

So you would have left if the OM was in the same country? That says it all. It wasn't a one off. You had a relationship with the OM even if it only became sexual at the end. You had an affair. And it seems you wouldn't care about hurting your husband if the OM had been more available.

Isetan · 06/03/2017 08:14

I'm confused, you say you want your marriage to work but if the circumstances were right you'd want to be with the OM, which is? Working on a marriage just like checking out of it, isn't a passive activity, It requires determination and If you are only staying because splitting is too much hassle, then the circumstances which allowed you to permit your betrayal will probably happen again.

Your posts are all about you and very little about your H, the very thinking which enabled you to cheat. If you don't address your own issues, as well as your relationship ones, then you're just kicking the misery into the long grass.

Sort your shit out because this should be a wake up call and not another opportunity to bury your head in the sand.

Telling your H was never on the cards so it was never dilemma.

ToDuk · 06/03/2017 08:18

This is obviously forcing you to come to a decision. If you don't tell and you keep things going in your marriage then you need to rebuild and make sure it doesn't happen again. So it's like this has forced you to decide whether you want your troubled marriage to work or not. You say you do so you have to use this to make changes. In which case I wouldn't tell dh but would make sure he has nothing to worry about in the future.

paddlenorapaddle · 06/03/2017 08:38

In all honesty the fling is a red herring your marriage sounds like it could well be over already and that these are the death throes if you feel you can't be honest perhaps work on that maybe counselling but I'd be tempted not to kick a man while he's down and tell him but only you know why you did or would

lilybetsy · 06/03/2017 11:26

I think your marriage is in very serious trouble and you need to have a really good think about what you want to do. Leave aside the 'blame' thing for a minute. Yes, having an affair was wrong, but if you have never even considered such a thing before, why now? And its not because OM is the soulmate you have been waiting for

Its because your relationship with your DH is in near terminal decline. This is not the case in every affair scenario, at all, but from what you have said? It is here

You need joint counselling - serious couples therapy. As a part of that you may decide to be honest, or you may not ... but if you want your marriage to work, you need to be able to talk honestly and listen to one another. Otherwise, I think its over whether you tell him or not

Adora10 · 06/03/2017 11:30

No you went into that with eyes wide open, it was planned, it was no mistake.

You should tell your OH as you clearly can't love him enough cos if you did, you'd not even be tempted. I get there are problems in the marriage, we all have problems, doesn't ever give you the right to go off and have sex with someone else who is married.

There's no trust there now, the relationship is broken, he should at least know this and then you can both perhaps decide where you go from here.

itfcbabe · 06/03/2017 13:42

I have been cheated on and I have cheated,both times where very hard and we talked through everything and are still together. Married 21 years this year.

If it was only this time and you know you won't do it again don't tell him unless underneath you want your marriage to finish. You say he won't forgive you and would leave,if this is what you want tell him but if you still love him,want him and know you won't be tempted again don't cause the heartache and upset that will come to you and your family for something that happened once.

If my husband cheated again I wouldn't want to know unless he fell in love with someone else,what we have is stronger and worth more than breaking up after a one night stand,but not all couples are like us,you have to to what you feel is the best for you.

Dakota1 · 06/03/2017 14:22

Do you love your husband? Do you feel like this experience has taught you to be a better partner and will it change you in a way to improve your relationship (for what is needed on your part anyway)? If you answer yes, then probably not telling is wise. If not, I would be more concerned about the stability of your relationship than admitting.

PoorYorick · 06/03/2017 18:48

You should tell your OH as you clearly can't love him enough cos if you did, you'd not even be tempted.

I think it is entirely possible to be a devoted, loving, faithful partner who resists temptation.