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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I confess?

140 replies

conflictedandtorn · 05/03/2017 19:13

About 6 months ago I went to work overseas for 3 months. I met a guy there and we had an instant attraction. We are both married with children and initially nothing happened apart from long conversations. This became flirting and a week before I left we had a one night stand. The fact I was leaving, would never see him again and months of pent up sexual energy led to a mistake I will feel guilty about forever.

My dilemma is whether to tell my DH? The likelihood of him finding out is very low and it certainly won't be repeated. Does honesty in a marriage trump all else or is it worse to cause him unnecessary pain when I have definitely learnt my lesson and deeply regret cheating? Please help me see with more clarity.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 07/03/2017 07:54

Tell him, he deserves to know.

I'd be saying this if the genders were reversed too.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 07/03/2017 08:07

Sammy

So having a three month emotional and physical affair can be just explained away as the mere secrets and lies that form the 'reality' of most relationships? Shit relationships maybe. I am loving the mental acrobats being performed by some in here. I have seen on here guys getting their heads chewed off by the MN mob for having a pissed up snog with a work colleague that they bitterly regretted the moment it happened. But a three month fling; "well nobody really needs to know about it, it will just cause too much upset and anyway I am feeling really bad about it so I have suffered enough I think."

Astonishing.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/03/2017 09:25

I'm in the 'don't tell him' camp - this is not 'astonishing' , it's a perfectly reasonable POV and just a difference in opinion. I don't find those who disagree with my POV 'astonishing' - I find them pretty unsurprising.
Just one thought OP there are a few of us on here who have said if it were us in your DH position we would rather not know. I was once given the advice (by a retired female high court judge - so a bright educated woman) that for a successful marriage to last you need to be "a little bit deaf and a little bit blind". I have employed those tactics in my current marriage and it works for me. Is it possible your DH knows or suspects about the affair but sensibly is being "a little bit deaf and a little bit blind" in order to protect himself and your marriage from the huge hurt that would ensue in the event you decide to tell him?

TedEriksen · 07/03/2017 09:30

for a successful marriage to last you need to be "a little bit deaf and a little bit blind".....Is it possible your DH knows or suspects about the affair but sensibly is being "a little bit deaf and a little bit blind" in order to protect himself and your marriage from the huge hurt that would ensue in the event you decide to tell him?

I'm really struggling to see how a marriage like that would be considered "successful"?

piefacedClique · 07/03/2017 09:39

Because over the course of what could be a very long relationship, in terms of a lifetime together if they stay together, three months is a small blip. Good advice onemore.

TedEriksen · 07/03/2017 09:43

Amazing how users of this site will contort themselves to excuse dishonest behaviour by women, whereas men posting on the exact same subject would get pages of abuse.

Wrcgirl · 07/03/2017 09:48

^

So true.

From personal experience, do not stay for the children, it does no good in the long run.

Jellybellyqueen · 07/03/2017 09:59

onemore so according to that reasoning, our marriages will be long lived and successful if we all have clandestine affairs when we're feeling a bit unloved and undesirable, and accept that our oh was doing the same. What a load of rot (obviously my own opinion). To me this would demonstrate an astounding lack of respect for your partner.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 07/03/2017 10:02

The retired women judge seems to have formed that view in the 1950s, it's appalling advice to base a 'successful' relationship on.

TedEriksen · 07/03/2017 10:03

our marriages will be long lived and successful if we all have clandestine affairs when we're feeling a bit unloved and undesirable

Why just limit it to affairs? By the logic demonstrated above then lying about finances, work, drug use, alcohol, etc. is perfectly acceptable. As long as no-one finds out where's the harm?

BreatheDeep · 07/03/2017 10:25

😲 My face reading what some people think is a successful marriage. A successful marriage requires respect for each other. Having secret affairs is not respectful.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/03/2017 12:18

Ok – I knew that wouldn't go down well. Look, I certainly wouldn’t condone an ongoing passionate affair or sleeping around but a single ONS I don’t see as the crime of the century - there’s far worse (less obvious) things that go on in marriages. But there’s this popular belief that any form of sexual unfaithfulness, however brief, is the worst thing that can happen and everyone buys into that narrative. As someone said earlier up thread, nothing is black and white. Relationships are complex. No single one person can be everything to us all the time and longevity in marriage is about many things not simply about being sexually faithful, it’s about a shared history, about raising children, it’s about the friends and extended family who care about you, it’s about building a home together. I just don’t believe that chucking all of that in because of a silly mistake that happened once and is in the past and the OP is remorseful about, is a wise decision.
And as for the saying that the woman judge formed her opinion in the 1950s - maybe that's true but that doesn't mean to say it's not valid and I know a number of younger people who share a similar view.

Jellybellyqueen · 07/03/2017 12:26

But to me, being sexually faithful IS a big part of marriage. I don't think anyone is saying that sexual unfaithfulness is 'the worst thing that can happen'...we're not that dumb. But it IS a really shitty thing to do to your partner! And that includes a ONS. Hiding it and not seeking to change what caused it is perpetuating the situation in which it occurred, so the cheat has nothing to lose by repeating, which many do, as they didn't solve whatever 'problem' they were using as their excuse. Maybe I'm just getting too old for todays relationship standards...

Emboo19 · 07/03/2017 12:33

I don't think it's age related Jelly I'm only 19 and I feel the same as you!
My boyfriend knows cheating ons or long affair is a deal breaker!!

incredibule · 07/03/2017 12:38

nothing is black and white. Relationships are complex - so are you saying its much more complicated than that, onemorecup?

Al Murray's pub landlord would say just the same.

And as for our judiciary, well God preserve them, Mrs.

incredibule · 07/03/2017 12:41

onemorecup:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 12:41

He deserves to know own the truth so that he can get himself tested for STD for starters

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/03/2017 12:42

Why do so many on this site think honesty in relationships only applies to men?

^ this too

OnionKnight · 07/03/2017 12:53

Why do so many on this site think honesty in relationships only applies to men?

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has noticed this.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/03/2017 13:13

Maybe I'm just getting too old for todays relationship standards

I don't think age has anything to do with it - it's more about different prepsectives I think. I'm not young - I'm 52. I only mentioned that some younger people agreed with my POV because when I said an older woman had advised me to be sometimes "a little bit blind and a little bit deaf" - a poster remarked that this was a 1950s (therefore out of date) perspective.

Why do so many on this site think honesty in relationships only applies to men?

I don't - my view - that a ONS is not something to break up an entire marrage over would apply to a man being unfaithful as much as it would a woman.

I overlooked such an indiscretion from a previous male partner quite sucessfully. The relationshp didn't last but that was because he emptied our joint bank account when we had been saving to buy our first house so that he could buy a new windsurfer (he already had one) which he then hid at a friend's house. Now that upset me a lot more than the silly drunken ONS.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/03/2017 13:16

Because over the course of what could be a very long relationship, in terms of a lifetime together if they stay together, three months is a small blip. Good advice onemore.

thanks piefaced

noego · 07/03/2017 13:24

You are already blaming DH for your indiscretion. I would find out what is lacking in your life that caused you to do this. It will happen again if you continue to feel there is lack in your life. Address this first. It could be something really deep and it may mean divorce or not. A therapist may help you uncover this.

MyheartbelongstoG · 07/03/2017 13:52

Oh god yes tell him.

He has every right to know his wife is a chest and decide himself what he wants to do.

Its so sleazy isn't it. Cheating on your husband and shagging someone else's.

So disgusting.

Gingerbreadlass · 07/03/2017 14:12

What onemore said. A successful marriage allows us to be accepted with all our flaws and the occasional lack of judgement (not sexual, could be any small thing). Who is perfect anyway. Are you all perfect all the time? I consider a successful marriage a partnership, especially so if there are children involved. As partners we can never be all to each other and flawless all the time.

Don't tell him but make sure you don't do it again or let go of the marriage if that's what you want. IMO you should address the issues you seem to have with your husband's work and the general childcare and pressure on you.

incredibule · 07/03/2017 14:20

As partners we can never be all to each other and flawless all the time
that makes it ok? Just go and sin no more, my son. There was me thinking it was good thing to be mature in a relationship. My bad. Hmm

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