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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 114 - come and join us!

999 replies

WavingNotDrowning · 05/03/2017 12:22

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
WavingNotDrowning · 07/03/2017 12:39

I've decided to be more focused in my dating activity. As I'm just getting too tired! . Need to stop seeing people who are too far away from me or who live in another country!

Am seeing MrCyclist tomorrow

OP posts:
WavingNotDrowning · 07/03/2017 12:53

bant I don't bother with anyone without a photo. It's quite embarrassing if they subsequently provide a photo and you don't like them!

OP posts:
Goldfish21 · 07/03/2017 12:59

I hate those 'ask me' profiles too. I wonder if anyone actually messages people who just have that on their profile?

Dieu, I think that message was 'off' too, and I wouldn't have liked it.

There seem to have been a few 'no chemistry' dates recently. I went on my first 'first date' for 6 months yesterday. He was warm, friendly and easy to get on with, but talked too much (I seemed to spend most of the date just listening and nodding) and I didn't fancy him.

I have a coffee date later this week, but I'm not too hopeful. He sounds rather dull from his messages, but I'm hoping he might be one of those people who's much better in person. I hope so, anyway!

Dieu · 07/03/2017 13:52

Thanks everyone! You have pretty much backed up what I thought about Mr Keen.
I have come to the conclusion that I am going to message him to say thanks but no thanks (obviously very nicely, as is my way) and then swiftly block. Believe me, this is on the basis of other over-the-top and passive aggressive comments. I would always try to give someone the benefit of the doubt.
Here is my POF related question though. If I message him, and then block, am I right in thinking that he won't be able to see/access the message? I hate the thought of someone having a 'WTF' moment when they realise they've been blocked with no explanation.

SpringtimeSun · 07/03/2017 13:59

Can we have a little chat/debate about 'early Mooseburgers' .....

If an Iron is going to ghost after MB they will do it anyway....no matter when they are served?...... Yes/No/Maybe

Do guys really think girls who serve MB on 1st dates or early doors are just for fun and not relationship material?....

Anyone enjoyed 1st date MB that have led to a relationship?....

I have a free weekend coming up (last one for ages) and a really hot Iron.....lots of really flirty and downright dirty whatsapp action plus pics.......but we've NOT met (I know, I know.......) but he's really hot and I'm really tempted but I would like this to go further.....he talks good talk about not looking for hookups or ONS but as we all know.....it's all BS....

Dieu · 07/03/2017 14:10

I could bet my (love) life on nothing coming of it Springtime. Sorry. If he can swap dirty pics with you early doors, then he'll do the same with anyone. how could you trust him not to?! It's no basis for a proper relationship. Sorry Sad

SpringtimeSun · 07/03/2017 14:14

I know, my sensible side knows this too and that's what I'm needing to hear....more sensible stuff to reign in the hormonal side of me lol

Rockluvvindad · 07/03/2017 14:19

spring my view is Yes... If they're after a shag and nothing more AND are the ghosting type, once they get it they will bail. Obviously the longer you keep them crossed for the more you weed out the more blatant chancers, but I would say not all.

I can't speak for all men, but I am open to the fact that as sane, consenting adults, sex might happen on the first date or on any date thereafter but it will be when the timing feels right for both of us. I'm not shallow or misogynistic enough to think that a woman who slept with me early on wasn't worth carrying on dating because of that decision. What would that say about me if I was able to accept my own behaviour but not the same behaviour in others.

If by first date you mean meeting after work because the trains were screwed, drinking three bottles of red wine between us before giving in to the chemistry and booking a hotel for the night, yes, I met the absolute love of my life like that and enjoyed a (sort of ) two year relationship ( ahh the romance of holding someone's hair out of the toilet whilst they vom ! Grin ). Sadly didn't have legs as a relationship for other reasons ( still hoping though Wink ). We met at work though and the chemistry was obvious even face to face so a little easier choice than yours.

I would say that so long as you know the possible outcome and are okay with that, go nuts... Life is too short and sometimes a little bit of something good is better than a whole lot of nothing.

Rockluvvindad · 07/03/2017 14:20

oops... Going against the sensible heads there ! Still, a counterpoint is great in any discussion Wink

OutToGetYou · 07/03/2017 14:22

"I hate those 'ask me' profiles too. I wonder if anyone actually messages people who just have that on their profile?"

One guy's said he was a marketing manager, but his profile said 'ask me anything'. I messaged him and said "for a marketing manager, that's pretty light on words", he replied 'sometimes it's what you don't say as much as what you do say'.

Yeah, whatever. Pretentious twonk.

Others I have messaged and asked them and they have either not replied or their reply is so boring ("I work in IT lol" etc) that I CBA to go any further. Obvs they don't like the look of me or would write more.

Rockluvvindad · 07/03/2017 14:25

Hey out What's so wrong about working in IT !!!! Wink

After 2008 if I ever get asked what I do for a living I say I'm a serial killer or something equally bad. Less likely to get accosted than saying I work in IT for an Investment Bank Grin

SpringtimeSun · 07/03/2017 14:32

Thank you Rock see the non-sensible part of me could really do with going a little nuts and having some fun.

My Iron has already said No to a kinda sleepover date (he lives 90mins away and I said we could go for a night out and I'd book a hotel but I wasn't really thinking MB then) he said "No, that's too much pressure for a 1st date to go well...and I want this to go well" .......but since then the texting has got much saucier.....

Rockluvvindad · 07/03/2017 14:45

That sounds kind of promising to me Spring... If he turned down what even I would see as a PMS ( Probable Mooseburger Situation ) then he is clearly thinking he wants to make a good impression and a proper go at things with you. On a night like that, lastminute or hotel .com are your friend. You're only ever a quick search away from a hotel room if it turns out that way.

OutToGetYou · 07/03/2017 15:01

Nothing wrong with working in IT - I work for a tech company myself. It's the 3 word answers and the 'lol' that get me.

minop · 07/03/2017 15:02

Spring as long as you know that he could very well disappear after and your ok with that go for it!
I did on my date last week when I updated from the loo I wouldn't be bothered if mr brawn had done a runner, well he hadn't, a few more drinks and one hot steamy kiss later we hopped in a taxi back to mine and I had a lot of very good mb's that night and another helping for breakfast. I was fully prepared for him to disappear but he text that night to check I was ok and we're off out again on Saturday. I'm not bothered if it leads to anything, he's fun and a nice guy and a very good burger chef so I'm going with the flow!
Life is too short! Grin

Dieu · 07/03/2017 15:08

Oh, definitely go for it if you're just up for having fun. I just have my doubts over lasting relationships that start with exchanging dirty pics! Gawd, that embarrassing moment when you meet at the pub for the first time, having seen each other's bits Grin

InTheMoodForLove · 07/03/2017 15:21

yep I agree with the (bad) encouragement above
as long as you can handle the potential ghosting
soooo, my last lover got in touch to see if i had fled the country
as not spoken / replied for - oh shit ! - more then a month Shock
i really should go and help myself at the buffet

educationforlife · 07/03/2017 16:35

Well. .. just joined Elite.
Shall I pay?
What do people think?

Iusedtobedontcall · 07/03/2017 17:06

Personally I'd say if a man is exchanging dirty pics with you prior to meeting I'd be absolutely astounded if it led to a relationship. I know some might disagree but I really do think that to be the case.

Lovemusic33 · 07/03/2017 17:07

I have had MB on first date and gone on to have a relationship but obviously it hasn't worked out which is why I'm here Grin.

As for sending rude photos, I agree that if they are sending them to you so early on they have probably done it with everyone they talk too, if you ask them of course they will deny it and imply that 'your the only one I have sent them too'. But of course if you are just after sex then that's ok.

I have 2 potential irons on Tinder (after almost giving up), one sent me a pretty boring message, the other sent me a message about his hobbies as we share a few, I have messaged them both but both live quite far away so not holding out much hope.

Bant · 07/03/2017 17:53

spring - it's interesting how people refer to sex as moose burgers on here, given that it came from the concept of men wanting to hunt for a moose, and if you serve them up moose on a plate, they lose interest. Now it's become a catch all term for sex, no matter when it's had.

Personally, I think the longer you wait, the more likely it'll weed out chancers who are just after a shag, and also it will reduce the chance they'll suddenly lose interest because they've had what they wanted.

The more a man gets to know a woman, the more emotionally invested he becomes, the less likely he is to go cold afterwards.

Of course there is also the risk that he may be crap in bed, so there's a chance you may invest too much time yourself, only to find out it's unsatisfactory.

And of course there are lots of cases where people have sex when they first meet, and are still together years or decades later.

I've DTD with someone on the first date, and she was funny and witty and never returned my calls. And, not wanting to blow my own trumpet, I was far from unsatisfactory in bed. Other times I have been, but not that time. So it's not just men.

But I've found that when to bed with someone before, say, date 5, I'm less likely to want to see them afterward because... they suddenly become much less interesting and witty and fun to be with, and much more clingy and demanding. This is part reality, part perception, but.. that's what happens.

educationforlife · 07/03/2017 18:10

Would love to be able to talk about moose burgers or DTD or any other euphemism, but, at this rate, I don't think I will get the chance again :(

Lovemusic33 · 07/03/2017 18:24

Gthats one of my tinder irons ruled out. Asked him if he had a good day? His response 'yes, I have had a good day but feeling really naughty now, looking for some mischief' Hmm, his profile picture is a shot that hardly shows his face, maybe a married man. The other iron seems nice and normal (ish) so far.

SpringtimeSun · 07/03/2017 18:29

Well I'm guessing he isn't only after Mooseburgers as he has made other plans for Saturday night......we hadn't set any firm days or times or plans so that's not an issue in itself, we were mostly thinking Sunday before we started talking about sex.

fortunacookie · 07/03/2017 18:44

Hi can I join in?

What's the etiquette on closing down profiles? Been talking to mr joiner since November but with busy schedules/family/hour distance etc have only managed to meet 3 times. I wasn't that fussed at first, didn't think we were compatible as he much more intelligent than me Hmmbut after the last date I seem to have become quite smitten.

I been still getting messages on Pof , I'm not interested now n feel like closing mine but don't think he has yet n feel a bit clingy to ask him. What u guys think?