Dating thread 114 - come and join us!

[WavingNotDrowning]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I think it's rare, and possibly delusional, to 'know' that someone is right for you when you meet them. All you can do is know that they're right for you for the next hour, or week, or month, or potentially longer.

Tattoos.. well I'm not a fan.
I also generally search for women on pof with at least college education.

However, last nights date (MissMarketing) has tattoos, although only a couple. And never went to college. Owns her own business, is successful, but no diploma.

However, she's witty and on my level, so those filters are just silly.

Maybe they're both focused on my long term ideal, and not my medium term happiness.

We've all just got to make it up as we go along, and hope we're lucky.

Well, although further education can weed out the sheep from the goats who can't spell their own name, there are arguments against it too......I am one of them

See, got a Masters degree and can't even master a strikeout

Congratulations on your great date Bant.

I gave Bumble a try today. I messaged all my matches and had a much much better response rate than on Tinder. Early days but it seems worth give it a go.

Here's how not to send a first message:

"though I would say hello and see what comes of it or even if you bother to answer"

Yawn.

I had another guy who had a long movie quote in his profile, I didn't know what it was so looked it up and it was from a v famous film. I happen to know the dad of one of the actors who was in the film, so I messaged the guy saying sorry I didn't meet his criteria (of being fit, fun and sexy) but had worked out what the film was and that I knew the dad....blah and that I don't like wild camping (which his profile said he loved and wanted someone to do with him).

His reply?

"So weekends away are ok"

That's it, that was the whole reply.

Doesn't even make bloody sense. Boring twat - why put all that in your profile if you're not going to engage when someone talks to you about it?

Anyway, I have a nice friendly normal guy I am chatting to on POF now, we have a POF-chat-date at 8pm tomorrow. Very civilised.

I'm finding it a bit overwhelming. Been on POF under a week and got a date on Wednesday (think evening) and a coffee date Thursday afternoon.
Bit about the guy on Thursday as his last message seems too processed IYSWIM.
First venture into OLD so not sure what to expect. Until last December, I hadn't been on a date since my last relationship ended in early 2015.
Is there a general amount of people to talk to, dates to have etc?

It's entirely up to you buckets, but if you don't feel sure, ask him to postpone and chat some more until you're comfortable.

If he's a good guy he'll respect that and go at your pace. You don't have to say yes to everyone. I've turned down two offers of dates now (joined about a month ago) and only met one chap so far.

Many many I have not engaged with at all. You don't have to. I think silence is actually better than "sorry, you're not my type", the former implies the latter and ime if you try the latter you just get into a cycle where they try to persuade you. Life's too short.

OutToGetYou I had one recently which had blatantly been sent in the small hours of the morning whilst drunk on a night out. It would have been inappropriate if we had messaged before; it was downright weird as a first message. I ignored it. I half expected a follow up apology and better introduction the next day, but it never came.

Allthembuckets Two dates already! Go you! Have fun. If you're not having fun, you're going on either too many or too few. You'll work it out as you go along.

You lot do attract some weirdos ha ha :)

I have my OLD a little boost tonight, unexpectedly so actually. I deleted a profile to start again with a different username. I guess I hit the top new lists or something as a bunch of quick views and got favourited straight away. No messages though. I seem be seeing some different faces too. Interesting.

InfoSec21 Thanks for the sympathy! You're quite right, we really do.

Still hoping to hear from Beardy. But after ThisIsTheRightTime's experience, I am holding off sending him any messages. I sent him a short generic one on Friday; if he doesn't want to chat any more, so be it. If he does, that will be nice. See how uninvested I am? If I say it, it must be true.

A male friend in real life keeps making comments which an objective outsider would consider flirting. He's such a lovely bloke and we have a similar sense of humour, but I am not attracted to him in the slightest and never will be. Shame. I'm not sure if he knows he's doing it, but he keeps finding reasons to touch me (not in a sleazy way, but to give me a playful tap if I make a joke, that sort of thing).

Why do we never like the nice ones who like us already?

I guess that would be too easy Pringle. Shame though because that would be set up very nicely!!

I came into POF today. Got messages and 27 views. Never opened it up to that many views before. No idea why that's happened. I've deleted and started again before but this hasn't happened before.

Outto I came across movie quote guy as well. We chatted for a couple of days and I gave up because he was very boring.

Info I tried the same thing - deleting then starting again a few weeks later. A lot of the same people viewed me but some actually messaged. So it's worth trying.

buckets two dates already is good. Don't bother replying to the messages that you're not interested. It seems rude but you can waste so much time saying thanks, but no thanks.

I thought I'd lost my story teller but he's replied to say he thinks we're on the same wave length and would like to send me a poem.

I also seem to have attracted a bit of a stalker. He seemed nice initially and we exchanged numbers. But then he got boring and would send lots of "Hi, how are you" " why are you not replying" messages at random times.
So I told him nicely I wasn't interested. Possibly not firmly enough because he went away and has now come back again doing the same thing and questioning why I'm still on POF when he has said he wants to date me.
And some guys wonder why they're still single.

Ooh, Runny - maths teacher? He's very dull. I suppose a maths teacher would be.....

Morning,
Due to complete frustration with the men I've met lately, in my town,I decided to set up a Bumble account. I spent ages last night setting up a profile etc. I woken up this morning with some connections. But, now I've turned into a complete 'jelly' and have no idea what to say in a first message! Please help?
I supposed to be an intelligent person 😂

outto yes, the maths teacher!

Strawberry I try a question, something like "cats or dogs?", "marmite or jam". Google has plenty of ideas
Doesn't always work, my latest match on Tinder just ignored the question and said "how are you?"

pringle Out To Get You & RunnyMummy I was replying to each message, seemed rude not to and some of them were "Sorry xxxx is too far" but there's too many for that! I don't want to spend that much time on it.

I shall see about Thursday, my work may cause it to be postponed anyway, so I only said "tentively".

I look almost 10 years younger, apparently, that's the only reason I can think of! Obviously, I have low self esteem but not going to tell anyone that.

RunnyMummy that's mad; I don't understand the lack of basic decency now.

Strawberryjam34 Sorry no help on that, I have the same problem and haven't initiated a conversation yet.

Thanks
It's hard work and frustrating - already! But, there's one guy I really like the look of. I'll see what I can think up in my lunch break. I'll keep you posted X

In terms of sending the first message, I always pick something from their profile to ask about.

If their profile is empty that makes it hard, obvs, so they wouldn't get a message from me even if I liked the look of them. Or if it's too full (one I saw yesterday was like War and Peace) I couldn't find one thing to pick out.
It's annoying if you do pick a thing out and then they don't run with it or even seem to realise what you've done.

Mind you, I very rarely get a reply to my contacts and when I do they are normally dull as ditchwater - see Mr Maths above.

pringlecat It's good my one-off step into delirium can serve as a lesson. The thing is I'm so damned good at being patient and cautious usually. It's sobering to see that I'm far from immune to complete stupidity.

My thought for the day insofar as my six messages on the trot is, first, I was subconsciously influenced by my man's intensity/enthusiasm, and, secondly, I really don't know if my sixth sense was kicking in violently or whether I'm just a prima donna who, after a bad night's sleep, gets all indignant because a man is not focusing his attention on me. I'm kidding, partly.

Which is why I'm tempted to send him a message asking for a chat (final or not). I need to know whether my instinct was off kilter or not as now I'm doing my usual thing of concentrating on my mistake rather than the general picture.

ThisIsTheRightTime - btw, why can't you text him when he's "not alone"?

Good question OutToGetYou! I've noticed that when I was with him he never used his phone. In a positive light he might just be someone who doesn't like to be on the phone when he has company. Also, my questions did require a certain depth of thought to answer them.

Of course, there's always the possibility that he was with another woman.

He's been living in the area for twenty odd years so I know he has a lot of friends and family around. His dad and son have been there most days helping him do up his new house.

Hmm....I can see it might be entirely innocent, but it would concern me if someone couldn't just text, especially after they texted at 1am because they were alone.

Had he sent the 'please, I am not alone' text to me, I would have expected to hear from him quite soon, when he was alone and could call or reply.

Strawberryjam34
OutToGetYou's idea sounds good. It makes it stand out from all the "hi how are you" messages. I received one saying "peanut butter crunchy or smooth" which was different but I wasn't sure whether to respond or not, but I don't trust my instincts or ability to judge subtleties.

ThisIsTheRightTime I would find that concerning too. I think it's rude to constantly be on your phone when in company but I try to check mine at least once an hour if my daughter isn't with me just in case. Checking is different to basically ignoring the person you're with in favour of your mobile.

OutToGetYou and AllThemBuckets, yes, I agree! Which is why I'm hoping that my out of the ordinary reaction of texting like mad is indeed due to my instinct screaming out that something was off. Seriously!

He answered the first few texts rapidly; sent me a 'tell me what's on your mind', and then, nothing.... so possibly he was willing to answer when not alone but it all got too intense for a more in-depth answer from him.

The 1am text was preceded by one at 7pm asking me what I was doing that evening. I was busy. We have seen each other really late some nights but I certainly didn't want this to become a habit.

In the best scenario he wanted to see me on a child-free evening (he'd told me the night before when we were together that he really hoped we could be more spontaneous about meeting up) and the next day, being with other people, he didn't want to be on his phone. BUT, I totally agree with you OutToGetYou; after all his talk about really wanting a relationship with me it is surprising that he hasn't got back to me since.

I don't think, truly, he's the kind of man who runs scared from a woman who has sent six messages. I do, however, think he might be the kind of man who could be pissed off because I was pushing him away in the final messages. He has come across as potentially jealous in past conversations. For e.g., "I'll be stressed out when you go to England" (I live in France) and "what on earth were you doing having drinks with a bunch of car mechanics?" (Good question but not worthy of any jealousy, truly )

So, do I or do I not sent him a last text apologising and asking whether we can have a (final) chat? I would like to see whether my instinct was spot on, or not. After years of living with a manipulator and having dated one for a few months recently (there was a lot of good in that last relationship but as soon as it didn't sit right with me anymore I was out like a shot) I'm becoming pretty good at asking the right questions and being discerning when listening to the responses.