Dating thread 114 - come and join us!

[WavingNotDrowning]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

InfoSec21 I hate tattoos. If I see someone with a tat in their photo, I don't reply - saves time.

However, when I met Beardy, I noticed he had a tat that I couldn't see in his photos. I think it's horrible, but I think he seems like a real sweetheart (which is more important) so it won't put me off having that second date if we ever find a day that works for both of us. So I'm on the fence with declaring ink preferences.

I hate "just ask". I never just ask. If someone messages me first with a "just ask" profile, I may reply if they've attempted to make actual conversation, but if it's a "hey howsuu ?" crap message, they go in the bin straight away. I also don't Bumble match with people with nothing in their profile. What am I supposed to use to start a conversation?

What I really want to say (and don't) is "no one whose parents had a messy split" because every single man I have ever dated who is the product of a messy divorce (and/or who father has had an affair) has had abandonment issues (and/or had an affair himself). It's really sad observing how children really are doomed to be their parents.

By converse, my first love (whose parents are very much still together) was far too attached to his DM's apron strings. Sigh. There has to be a happy medium - I haven't found it.

I avoid saying anything too negative because even if it's justified, you make yourself immediately sound unattractive. My profile focuses on the more quirky hobbies/likes that make me who I am, in the hope that it will attract people with similar interests and lifestyle choices.

Dieu It is nice to feel wanted, but there is a fine line between that and being harassed/rushed/creeped out and Mr BBC seems to have stepped over it.

Lovemusic33 Bloody hell, I think I've only had one date two. I am queen of the first dates.

Re chemistry, I think that can grow for me if and only if, it's not a downright no when I see the guy. There are yeses, nos and maybes. Chemistry can only grow if a guy is a maybe. I'm very attracted to kindness and humour (which takes time to notice) and that can turn a maybe into a yes. Kindness and humour in a no can turn into a friend, but that's it.

Haven't heard from Beardy (I know he had plans this weekend, but a quick text would have been appreciated) so I will go back iron hunting, I think. I have tons of matches on Bumble, so I just need to swipe to uncover a few. I don't like the time pressure of it, but a Sunday is the best time to go Bumbling because people have time to reply (if they want to).

With my new Bumble profile, I'm using a photo that is 100% representative of me. I'm identifiable, but I've given up caring. At least the guys who match with me will be swiping based on definite reality.

Fair play totally, I know tattoos are not everyone's cup of splosh. It's important too to not be defined by tattoos and that's why I always go for a smartly dressed profile picture and let the tats be a secondary discovery, rather than the other way around.

I know the temptation to spill the negs into a profile is there but it's never good :)

One of mine is those Pug dogs. Just something I really don't like and couldn't cope with!! It's an instant 'move on' from me. Thankfully most people who have them have a picture including it so it's easy to avoid :)

InfoSec21 There seem to be some people who happen to have tattoos and some who see it as a way of life. As I said, with Beardy it hasn't put me off because I saw the person before the ink, but I've seen a few profiles of guys covered in tats who specifically say in their profile how much they love them and how they are looking for a girl who also has tattoos. In those cases, it's clear there's no middle ground and we would be wasting each other's time - I can get behind someone having different interests to me as long as I'm not expected to share them!

A girl with pug photos probably doesn't even own a pug, so I wouldn't let that put you off. There seems to be a rule that to win at OLD, you have to borrow a zoo of animals and take photos of you with them because it immediately makes you a better prospect. I know a few guy friends from real life who have done just that - borrowed animals and staged photos!

I agree. Negativity is very unattractive. My profile (currently inactive but soon to be back in action) says I am looking for someone who is kind, honest and positive. The only real 'no' I have is no smoking, but that tends to be covered elsewhere so no need to mention it in the written profile.

I would say that any man who is genuinely interested in a female perspective is generally a good'un.

Oh dear! Your thoughts on this new relationship, please (although I'm pretty clear in my mind as it is).

We've known each other for three weeks and have seen each other three times with plenty of communication in between. Our conversations were great; good communication, lots of laughter, and physically the attraction was strong. I made it clear I was a very cautious person, he told me that he's had a few ONS since splitting up from his ex but I'm the first person he has really felt something for; a potential for a real relationship. He told me last Thursday that he was willing to wait.

He shows me that he's thinking about me; sends an sms to ask how a class I was nervous about went, etc. He told me he'd talked to his friends about me....

Friday evening he sent me a sms asking what I was up to that evening. I told him I was off out with friends. I received another message from him at 1am asking where I was. I don't reply. Saturday, I didn't receive any news from him which was fairly unusual. After I finished work around 4pm I send him a message asking him why he'd wanted to know where I was at 1am. He answered that his daughter was sleeping at a friend's and he was alone. I sent him a message (he's encouraged me to communicate freely with him about the good and the not so good) saying that I'd like to have a chat with him when I next saw him to which he sent me a message asking me to tell him what was up.

So I explained that I simply, without judgement, wanted to be clear about our situation; were we friends with benefits or was there the potential of something more? I enjoyed our conversations and respected him but was unsure as to why he regularly expressed his feelings and hope for a future with me if he then called me at 1am; THAT smacks of booty call to me!

No answer.

And then I went into a downward spiral during which I sent him six back to back messages (not my style) during which I pushed him away. My instinct was screaming out to me that something was amiss. He has in the past few weeks always responded quickly but in this case there was nothing. In the last one I wished him well and said I wouldn't disturb him anymore. I immediately got a response 'Please, I'm not alone'!

Since then, no news. I'm a patient woman. I'm not demanding but I like clarity and I don't like to be taken for a ride. Had he told me from the start he was not alone instead of encouraging me to express myself via sms I would have been fine about it, obviously.

It's radio silence from me from now on.

Oh dear, have I been a complete fool here?

No offence This but if a bloke, I'd have run a mile. 6 back to back messages, what were you thinking?!

FWIW, on reading your post, I took his 1am text to be a possessive thing (i.e. jealousy over you being out) rather than a booty call. Not good either way!

Also, some conversations are best done in person, or at least phone conversation, rather than text.

Think you've overdone it a bit, but I agree with you that he was attempting a booty call.

However, stop texting and start talking! For now, leave it at least 24 hours. Then try and find a time to talk on the phone.

Whilst we're talking about ink - I have a tattoo. It is big (about 10cm across) but sits between my shoulder blades so is usually invisible when I'm dressed.

Should I declare this on my profile? I thought about putting a photo of it up, but it has my children's names incorporated so I'm not keen. So far with MrCJ I sort of dropped it into conversation when it became apparent that he was probably going to find out on his own anyway (ahem!) but given how strongly people feel about it I wonder if I should be more upfront?

Is this a thing that is different for men & women I wonder? Something tells me a man might be more shocked to discover a previously unmentioned tattoo than a woman would be...??

What do you think?

Half I would leave it. To my mind, covered up tattoos are different. I think we can make too much of a song and dance of these things. And I doubt any man would say 'HALT. We can't possibly do the deed, now that I have spotted a hitherto concealed tattoo on your back!'

Ha Dieu! I hope not, but can you imagine if that did happen? Mortifying. "I'll just put my clothes on & find my way out shall I?"

I'm not keen on tattoos but people can do what they like with their own bodies. I think covers ones, the odd one or two, is fine and it wouldn't put me off. So I'd not mention that on the profile.

I dated a guy covered in them once, I remember waking up with his arm over me and being a bit shocked at it.

I think to have that many it does sort of define you. If nothing else I can't get behind how much money they cost!!

I would still bet my bottom dollar it wouldn't happen!

HalfInLoveWithElizabeth Is there any way you can get a photo of it that doesn't show the whole tattoo, but shows that you have one? E.g. if you wear a certain cut top, could part of the tattoo peak out? From what you've said though, it might be hard to stage a photo that hinted at that tattoo without revealing your DCs' names.

It might be worth having a conversation about ink with anyone who doesn't have a visible tattoo, but at the end of the day, you've tattooed the names of your children rather than an ex. You're dating as a single parent package deal, so any potential MB candidate would have to accept that your children mean a great deal to you.

I don't like ink in general, but I especially hate 'pointless' ink that doesn't mean anything. Thinking about it, I guess the only real deal-breaker for a small-ish tattoo would be one with a spelling mistake in it.

I could not date someone with incorrect words permanently written on him. I really couldn't. This has been an enlightening conversation, guys and gals. I didn't realise where I personally drew the line...

pringlecat yes I could probably stage a photo that doesn't show the kids names. It's a shame though because it is so beautiful as it is!

It's funny you should mention the spelling because when I had it done I used my dd1's 'proper' name, not the NN we usually use for her. There is only one letter difference. My brother contacted me in a fluster to say they had spelt her name wrong even though he knows what her proper name is! I was rather offended that he thought I would let myself get tattooed with my own dd's name spelt wrong!

QuarterMile, cool username!

The 1am contact sounds like a booty call attempt and bit out of order. The six messages on the bounce with comments like 'wont disturb you anymore' sounds a bit full on. I'm sure it wasn't meant that way but it sounds a bit. Messages are so flat with so tone and can be the source of their own problems. When things are great, messages are great. Any hint of drama, it needs voice and tone.

Tats are expensive for sure. When my sleeve is complete it will be over two grand and then I'll move to the other arm. Cheap tats though, they're just not good.

Dieu and OutToGetYou, thank you so much for your input.

Anytime, and I'm sorry if mine sounded harsh
Let us know what happens.

Hello all. I'm back from last nights date.

It was... very interesting

Dieu, by asking for advice here I'm happy to receive and appreciative your honest thoughts.

I've just returned home and have mulled over a little what you wrote. I wholeheartedly agree that it was completely ridiculous of me to send those messages. I was wrong. However his call at 1am, whether it was due to jealousy or otherwise, just jarred on my nerves and since the breakup of my marriage two years ago (my husband was very manipulative; a fact which only came to light after he left) I am overly sensitive to any behaviour which might be unhealthy for me and prefer to end things sooner rather than later.

I am going to give him the space (much more my style normally ) to decide whether he thinks I am a nutcase or not. If, however, he hasn't got back to me in a couple of days I would like to leave him a message apologising for my outburst and saying that I would like us to have a chance to discuss things face to face, even if things have come to an end. We live in the same village and I don't wish for any unpleasantness between us.

Does that sound reasonable to you?

Ooh, in what way?

Come on Bant tell us more!

Bant interesting in a good way? Or a bad way?

I have just had to tell a old iron to back off, I met him first time I was online dating, met 2 or 3 times but I didn't find him attractive, we stayed in touch as friends but recently he's been texting loads, a couple days ago he sent me a photo of himself in boxer shorts, it wasn't a pretty sight, yesterday he did it again and then wrote 'well???', I was in a shit mood so wrote back 'hmmm, I think someone needs some tips on how to impress a woman'. Today I told him to back off and that I didn't want sex or a relationship with him. I feel much better now I have told him, hopefully he will back off and stop sending me unattractive photos.

So sorry, above reply was to Bant.

Yes, very reasonable This. And also a good opportunity to point out your expectations and boundaries (ie no more 1am texts!).

Afternoon folks... Just wanted to say I'm taking a timeout from dating for a few weeks, so will carry on lurking but will be going quiet for a bit. I'm in Yorkshire next week so will have my mind on other things so seems a sensible time to take a break.

Good luck all. Bant, your date last night does sound "interesting" !

Good luck all.

RLD

Bant, spill please!!

LM33, I just don't think I want to be a man anymore. Reading that has blown my mind. Saying that, if I was to ever be the recipient I don't wanna be a woman either.