Dating thread 114 - come and join us!

[WavingNotDrowning]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Spex before sex

(yes I do wear glasses )

It works for me personally, I had 'Grammar before Glamour' as my POF headline for a while, a while back.

If you offered me an average looking girl who was hot with her grammar or an absolute stunner who had bad grammar, I'd take the first.

I couldn't cope with someone in my life who had bad grammar or was terrible at spelling. Different things have differing levels of importance to different people but this is just high to me.

I can relate.

I worry that I have now become slightly phobic about it

My OKC profile had "You should message me if.......You can spell".

I have a dilemma. Mr Blocker has asked me for lunch next Saturday. In London, which is an hour away by train.
I know many people do this every day but for me a trip to the capital is a big day out.
I could go and hopefully enjoy a good day out. Even if it's a bad date then at least I get a trip to London.
But he lives in London and if we want to see each other again I can't afford the time or money to be making trips there.
Should I just stop this now, explaining that he lives too far away or enjoy a day out and not worry about what happens next?

runny - Was this a first date?

It's a bit poor form to expect you to travel to him. I can't remember if you've met him before? Presumably not if you're unsure whether it'll be a bad date or not.

If there's no realistic reason to think that you'd be able to fit a relationship with him into your life, then there's not much point meeting him, is there? It's one thing if you just fancy a one-off trip into town, but..

If it's a first date he should really make some effort to meet you halfway, or come to your neck of the woods. In my opinion anyway.

I've got the same dilemma with my date for this weekend. She's over an hours drive away from home and work, public transport is a sod to get there, and I'd like to have a drink on a first date as coffee dates are so sterile - especially with three hours of driving involved too.

So I'm getting an Airbnb in her town. We know we get on well by phone, so it's unlikely to be tumbleweed on the night, and in future I can drive there and back sometimes. But not all the time.

Runny, seems like a waste of everyone's time to be honest.

I get pp from places like America, India and the Middle East message me and I just think, why...??

Bant regarding meeting half way, he may already be doing that more or less, as London is a big place. I disagree with the idea that the man should be the one to travel for a first date. Outdated sexism the in my opinion.

I live in London and wouldn't want to date someone who lived elsewhere if it meant spending significant amounts of time somewhere less interesting. I live here for a reason. I also think the distance would add pressure regarding staying over or spending whole weekends when you might prefer not to. It would definitely affect the course of the relationship.

Thanks everyone. This is a first date with the guy who originally blocked me on POF.
He's suggested London as he knows I don't go there often. I am tempted but on reflection there isn't much point.
Will have to think of a way to let him down gently

Well you could just have a nice day out but if you definitely don't want a relationship with someone in London then there really is no point!

pavonia - well yes, it's outdated sexism, but also it shows that he's willing to make an effort and show consideration, rather than just meet her down his local.

This was going to be one of my questions to you knowledgeable ones!

One of the men that wants to meet me lives 2 hours away.. most of those I've met have lived considerably closer ...

What is the furthest you've travelled for a date?

How far do you normally travel?

runny mummy I probably would travel up to about an hour, but not more

Bant, my point is that consideration works both ways. In this instance consideration would be choosing a lunch venue close to the mainline station that runny would come into.

To be blunt, if the guy thinks that this could lead to a relationship but Runny has no intention of that, that would be pretty poor behaviour on her part.

Don't mind me, I'm just a grumpy old woman.

I've been for a few dates in London - an hour or so away. Someone's got to be pretty great to think of getting into a relationship with someone that far away. Eventually I want to be able to pop over to theirs, and them to mine, and after that, live together. So I'd rather go for someone within a half hour drive

I think how far you're prepared to travel depends on what you have near you.
I live in a small town somewhere fairly remote. The nearest cities are 1hr away or 90mins. I've done the train 90min train ride a couple of times. Obviously it's not ideal but it's no biggie.
If I wasn't prepared to do that I'd have to settle for VERY slim pickings or just give up.

My Mr Car is over an hour away. However he works 30 minutes (ish - traffic dependant) away.

In the past I have attempted a relationship with someone an hour away. It fizzled out with two different blokes.

This time it is working! Whoop-e-doo!
Mainly because we get on, have things in common; there is also chemistry. So we are both making a real effort to catch up when we can.
It is lovely. He is sweet.
Plus I am smitten.

He is older than my ideal.
I like tall men.
He is short.
I dislike cats. He has one.
In the past I have not messaged blokes who day they have a cat.

So I have stopped being "so picky"
& the result is GREAT. ♡

I do hope I have not jinxed things by de-lurking and talking about him. It is very early days.

Have a great weekend everyone

I live in Surrey (could be considered South London at a push) and have been on dates in central and West London, which was a lot easier for them than me and took me well over an hour door to door. I do have to look carefully at where they are actually based; North London is completely out.
Fun as it was, the novelty wore off and it made me realise I'd prefer to meet someone more local (although preferably not around the corner). So I suppose my answer, letsbrowse, would be around 40 minutes so that a relationship could develop.

Lettuce that's great news... And a good lesson I think. We all tend to get so obsessed with a list of tick boxes that we forget that attraction doesn't really work that way.

I had a nice date with Ms. IT on Tuesday. Had a really great evening but I didn't really feel any romantic connection.

Ms. Portugal has gone a little strange and suddenly thought about distance ( relevant to the above discussion ), and I'm seriously reconsidering meeting on Friday. I think we're both a little unsure.

Ms. Dancer and I continue to message. Cocktail date agreed, date to be decided after she recovers from an op next week. I've got my fingers crossed for her. We seem to get on really comfortably via email and in my experience that's been a good indicator that a date would go well.

Distance is a tough one. My last partner lived 90 miles away by car ( zone 6 Essex ). It never seemed that far because we both worked in London and it was easy to meet up and I would often stay with her for a couple of nights during the week and then weekends we'd stay at each other's. It did get expensive though. Even with me having a railcard, we were probably spending upwards of £300 a month on travel costs. That's not small beans... It was worth it to me though, and I didn't mind the travel as it never seemed that far but different people have different ideas of far, and as per Bant's comment, I would have like to be able to pop round at short notice etc... which would have been tricky.

Now I'm just looking forward to being away next week. Dating can take a back seat. Apart from Ms. Dancer !

RLD

thanks for the thoughts on distance folks, much appreciated.

I think I'm going to cancel Saturdays date, not related to distance but just because i'm not really feeling excited by it..(!)... think i'm going to semi extend my OLD selective break until April and focus on family and friends for a couple of weeks

I am in Edinburgh and often get messaged by guys from Glasgow. I turn them down grudgingly, because Glaswegians are more fun because it's an hour away, and I'm looking for someone close by. Otherwise it just gets tricky logistically, particularly when there are childcare arrangements to be factored in. And my time off is so precious that I don't want to spend it commuting.

Rockluvvindad Jeers I would be totally unable to message all this irons.
I have in the past message "John" with an answer to a question. However the question was from "Derek"
Have been caught out.
Pleaded ignorance. Denied all knowledge of confusing messages.

I once totally admitted to messing up and confusing two "irons" on the OASIS.COM web-site.

This guyseemed nice. I felt I owed him some honesty. We did finally meet and get on rather well - however I did not at the time need the confusion of a FWB arrangement so it did not last that long.

I may Mr Car on Oasis.
There are few pickings in Kent/Sussex/Surrey. I also have met men in London. I extended my mile radius and extended age range significantly.

Sadly there is no barometer to exclude the very obviously married, un-dateables or the plain weird.

Sorry ROD

That was meant to say
Jeeez I could not message all those irons..

I met Mr Car on Oasis.com
Tis the only free dating site that I have managed to successfully navigate.
When my marriage split in late 2011. I used MATCH. I paid & was hoodwinked into a repeated direct debit.
I met one guy who terrified me as I had been with my husband for over 14 years. I then did not online date for a very long time. I tried to suss out single male friends, but finally gave up and returned to the awfulness of online dating...

Mr Car is now restoring my faith in humanity.

Looking forward to hearing about all this week coming, the dates, the disasters and the loves and laughs!

Interesting discussion on distance and who should travel where. Had I realised Mr Blocker was in central London when I started chatting then I wouldn't have taken it any further. I try to stick with guys about 30mins away otherwise I know there's no point.
Anyway he definitely has to go after deciding to video call me when I was eating lunch. After telling him I had five mins before going back to work. I answered but told him, between mouthfuls of food, I couldn't talk.

Besides I have a date with Mr Slow tonight

runnymummy

Dare I ask why is he called Mr Slow?