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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Money - is dh being selfish?

299 replies

Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:00

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 13:00

If you're on Tax Credits I would find it very difficult to justify £1k on a holiday just for him!

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 13:00

Bloodyteenagers, my business doesn't have any costs it's just a couple of cleaning jobs

OP posts:

Bananamanfan · 05/03/2017 13:05

Op, i dont think you are rubbish with money, i think you didn't have enough to live on & your dh has convinced you that you are rubbish with money.
Do not hand your inheritance over in to his control.
£500 of debt is nothing. You need to build up some confidence & take some control.

bloodyteenagers · 05/03/2017 13:07

It doesn't matter what the business is. The point is you are keeping financial records and will be filling out self assessment for hmrc. The financial side of running a business ime was harder than doing the household expenses.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 13:08

Yes I guess that's true.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 05/03/2017 13:08

Does he get the tax credits in his accounts or do you?

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 13:08

I have decided I will be keeping my inheritance to myself and putting it in to savings.

OP posts:

Bananamanfan · 05/03/2017 13:08

You can get money management/budgeting apps for your phone.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 13:09

He gets the tax credits, we rely on it to get our food and help pay bills

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 13:14

"I have decided I will be keeping my inheritance to myself and putting it in to savings."

FWIW I think that's the right decision, at least while he is still controlling the rest of the finances and decisions.

If he is willing to let you get more involved in the finances perhaps you could reconsider but for now I think that's fair enough.

I really like the idea of using it to pay for driving lessons - that way you will get some independence and will have the option to apply for jobs that require driving to get there.

Emboo19 · 05/03/2017 13:32

I definitely think using your inheritance to learn to drive and then hopefully getting yourself a small car, is for the best.

If he really needs a new car he can use the money he's saved, instead of on a holiday.

Mermaidinthesea · 05/03/2017 13:35

I can never understand why men are always without exception so selfish. What woman would say I'm off on holiday with my mates see ya? at the expense of the rest of the family.
Sure I can understand why he wants to save, I'd rather save than spend any day, I can't relax if I don't have a lot of back up money but he's gone too far now.
You need to discuss this with him and soon.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 13:42

I want to propose a plan that the op joysmum suggested but I don't know how it would work i.e. What proportion of his money and mine would be put in the pot given that I have a lot less than him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 13:42

A previous poster I mean, not OP!

OP posts:

tribpot · 05/03/2017 13:49

Realitea, the idea is that all money goes in to the pot, then all bills are paid, all joint expenses accounted for (such as the children), money set aside for shared savings goals such as holiday, car, new fridge or whatever it may be, and then whatever is left is shared 50:50.

This should reasonably take into account additional personal expenses, i.e. a person out at work all day is less likely to have time to make lunch and will buy a sarnie instead. Provided there's money in the budget, this is reasonable and can be classed as a joint expense. So you can adjust for things which aren't strictly joint. But still, whatever is left is shared 50:50.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 13:56

That makes it much more fair and is probably what most people who are in equal partnerships do. Let's see what he has to say about this.

OP posts:

Twentyten2010 · 05/03/2017 14:01

This is just an example but, if he earned 2,000 a month and all bills, outgoings etc... came to 1,000 a month, and you agreed to put £500 a month into savings then the remaining £500 should be split equally between the both of you.

It doesn't matter how much either of you earn, it's family money.

tribpot · 05/03/2017 14:03

Quite. He can still be the primary budget manager, there normally is one person fulfilling that role in any partnership. There's total transparency about joint expenditure, but personal spends can be used for anything you like. However, to be clear, personal expenditure is for you, not the children. I appreciate he is not the dad of your dc1, but there is no other parent contributing to upkeep, so you are all one unit.

RebelRogue · 05/03/2017 14:11

First step is for you to have access to relevant information...what goes in,what goes out. If he refuses this then you will know he is financially abusive.

RebelRogue · 05/03/2017 14:14

Twenty not unless OP also puts her earning in the pot to come up with those figures. Otherwise he would have 250,and she would have 250 plus all her earnings and CB.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 14:16

I would put everything in to the pot it wouldn't be fair otherwise. I would also expect dh to be honest and do the same too

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 05/03/2017 14:19

I would also expect dh to be honest and do the same too

And that's your first hurdle,him being honest and letting you access that information to begin with,in order to make a viable and fair plan.

Original poster

Realitea · 05/03/2017 14:28

If he can show me how much he gets a month it'll be easy for work out really if he's not honest. I feel positive now that I know what I want out of this. The next step is speaking to him.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 05/03/2017 14:29

Have more confidence in yourself op. You can do financial stuff as well as anyone.

Ecureuil · 05/03/2017 14:32

I can never understand why men are always without exception so selfish

Woah... without exception? Really? My DH would never spend money on holiday with a mate at the expense of his family. He's more likely to book me a break away with his own spending money.
Don't tar everyone with the same brush.

I'm not really sure what to make of your scenario OP. You started off saying you couldn't manage money and didn't want to be involved with the finances, which is a cop out. It may come naturally to you, but you need to learn.
I think he's taken advantage of your lack of financial know how for his own gain. How do you think he'll react when you tell him you want to be more involved?

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