Money - is dh being selfish?

[Realitea]

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

I gave up work when we had dd together and for the past year I've been working very part time. My hours are starting to increase now finally.

So is he supporting children from your previous relationship as well?

I'm not seeing financial abuse, but your DH should be involving you in financial decisions.

he does a good job of making sure we live within our means and save some too.

How do you know? You have no idea how much any of your bills are, and you're taking his word for it that there are any savings at all. Fundamentally you have no idea what he's spending money on.

There's a special trip I want to do that no-one in the family would want to do with me, it's very expensive. I am saving up for it separately to the main holiday fund, and wouldn't dream of doing it at the expense of my family getting a holiday that year.

That said, I don't think that abdicating all your financial responsibilities is a good idea. You can budget together. This is the transcript of a monthly budget meeting between the owner of the company You Need a Budget and his wife, Julie, who is a SAHM. They decide together, remind each other of priorities - and everything the children (of which there are many) need is funded from the household budget.

I think you need to be very careful how you word what you say to him, otherwise it could lead to further problems.

Be aware of your tone and don't say it in an accusatory tone.

I actually don't think him going away with his friend is an issue... And when you told him you didn't want to go, he was perfectly at liberty to make plans to go with a friend.

Put things into perspective and realise this is just one holiday. There is always next year and many years to come.

I went on a holiday with my sisters one year and it meant I didn't have money to contribute to a big family holiday that year. I don't believe that makes me selfish, it doesn't mean my sisters are more important than my DH and DC.

We've since been on many other holidays as a family, when I wasn't stretched financially.

It's always worth seeing any situation from the other person's point of view.

I'd also add that you will struggle to convince him of how money should be managed or split or what is fair when he's the C.I.E (chief income earner), I've been there and done that.

If you are buying him a car with your inheritance make sure it's in your name.

Ok if I go by joysmum's suggestion of this, what proportion of wages should go in to it for me and him seeing as he gets a lot more than me?

"1)all income is family income.

2. All normal expenditure is deducted from that plus a regular amount saved for emergencies and family holidays.

3. The remainder divided equally and goes into seperate individual current accounts with no need to talk about what it is spent on.

That way if you or he want to go away independently, it's only possible if you've paid the bills and have your family holiday and then you've saved enough from your own money to do so"

Emma, the issue is that she hasn't taken it on board. She still wants him to do it on his own, she just wants a say in how it's spent! It's not really taking responsibility.

Joint finances means just that - doing things together. This means discussing taking on debts together and looking after bills together. It's not about getting one person to pick up the pieces for you because all money is family money.

That said, my view has changed a bit since the OP'so last post because £500 isn't that much, especially if it's bills - she hadn't clarified before. But surely you must see that you need to do things equally - which does mean making decisions together but also sorting things out together.

I will be making sure it's in my name as when I learn to drive I want equal rights to the car and it's an investment for me

I'd be happy to put my earnings in to the pot if it meant I had a say in where it's going. For example I'd happily help towards food but I don't want it going in to his savings for his holiday!

EyeSaid
Did you see these posts?
Did you see these posts?
10.07
"I'm going to ask what's in what account, what our income is and what our outgoings are. I'm going to say I want to be more involved as his wife."
10.12
"That's what I want - for us to sort it together."

Isn't financial abuse at all, some of you are beyond ridiculous.

So you're still going to buy him the car? Letting him dictate how you spend your inheritance.. what if he wants to blow it all on a car you just going to roll over and say okay?

How much money do you exactly have a month and what does it get spent on?(add in CB,maintenance etc)
How much money does he spend a month and how much out of it goes on bills,food,house etc?

I wouldn't be giving him your inheritance to buy a car if can buy it from his own money and you don't drive! Put it into an account that you can't access easily. If he's keeping 'his' money, you should be keeping yours. And yes, try and sort it out together. Would there be enough money if you divided all the family income equally for you both to have a bit to spend on what you like? Financial management isn't what it was in the olden days. Set up a load of direct debits for bills so they get paid straight away, set up your own personal account for you. You won't learn how to be better with money by abdicating all financial responsibility to someone else. Do you get maintenance from your children's father?

So you have two dc, one of which is your current dh's? Does your other child's father pay maintenance?
Who gets the child benefit? And do you get any tax credits etc?
You earn around £40 a week and use this for things for the children. Do you have any travel costs, do you spend money on yourself, clothes, nights out etc?
I don't see how you'll have enough for food shopping as well as money for the kids and yourself on £40 a week. My bf gives me a £100, a week and I get child benefit and my Mat pay, that's just for my bills, car, phone and stuff for me and dd, and he still buys things for dd and gives me more if I need it.
If you want to learn to drive it's a good £20/£25 a lesson.
You definitely need a break down of incoming and outgoings. Not being good at money is no excuse, you're leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position if you split up or something happens to your dh.

how much money does he EARN

I am in charge of our finances - dp is bad with money, has debt and fritters. It doesn't matter what I say he doesn't change. Therefore I take the majority of his wages towards bills and what's left is his to do as he pleases.

It's draining, especially when unexpected things come up. I have saved up a chunk of money from scrimping, selling stuff and going without things. I would be really angry if dp now decided he has a claim on that money when he has frittered his set amount away. As it happens the money is for me and our girls to go on holiday with my family (he turned it down) but if I wanted to blow it on a weekend away for myself then I would.

For £250 there's 5 of us going to haven holidays 4 nights in easter holidays through the sun holidays. Definitely worth a look you could do a couple of short breaks and have enough for a couple of day trips. There's places in uk and abroad too.

OP I completely agree that both partners should make decisions about family finances, but it's hard not to notice that you seen to have been entirely happy for him to take all the responsibility, saying that you're just not able to do it, right up to the point when he wants to spend on something special for himself

While you've got a very valid point I think that you'll need to be very careful how you put this to him, and also that - although it obviously isn't possible - it would be interesting to know your OH's view

I see your point Puzzled, but you can also argue that until now, the OP thought she could trust him to make financial decisions in the family's best interests - but now she's realised that he's prioritising a holiday for himself over other things, and it's made her realise that he might not be doing such a perfect job of managing the finances after all. Yes she should have taken more responsibility and got more involved before - but it sounds as if he's made it very difficult for her to do so. I agree that she needs to tread carefully, not because she's wrong and her partner is right, but because he is unlikely to relinquish his control willingly.

I don't get maintenance as the father died soon after dc 1 was born. I get cb for both dc's plus any money I make with my own business. It's not much but it's enough to get bits and pieces and it's a small piece of financial independence. I would happily help towards other things if I knew it was going on important stuff.

Also if you are running your own business you cannot really be that much of a financial screw up. You are managing to keep afloat to buy more stock whatever and keep your
Records successfully enough to take a wage.

How much does he earn and how much of it goes on the house,bills,days out(if he pays for those) etc.?
Basically if at the end of paying for everything he has a couple of thousands left,then it would be very unfair and easy for him to save. If he has only slightly more than you and still manages to save then fair enough.

I don't really know how much he earns but it's not massive as we get working tax credits and child tax credit

He never pays for days out, we don't go anywhere unless to his parents house. He is always saying we don't have any money but then he saves so there must be some!

How do you know he's saving?