Money - is dh being selfish?

[Realitea]

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

He will probably say no and get angry.

Well if that's not a red flag I don't know what is.

He will probably say no and get angry

So those saying he's not financially abusive, do you think this is a reasonable way to act when your wife asks to become more involved in the family finances?

He is always saying we don't have any money but then he saves so there must be some!

Hang on, that puts a rather different complexion on things; you'd mentioned that he likes to see money spent sensibly, but not that he says there's an actual shortage of it

It's hard to tell when you don't know what he earns, but it seems that either he's genuinely worried about not having enough (in which case the holiday would be unreasonable) or simply doesn't want you to know what's available. There could be many reasons for that - and as I said we can't possibly know his own view of this - but is there any possibility he doesn't want to tell you what's in the accounts because he doesn't trust you not to waste it?

I don't, of course, suggest that would necessarily be a good course to take, but just wondered if it might be an explanation?

How about your discussion with him explains that while you are happy for him to manage the day to day running of the finances, that is on the understanding that it is still family money and decisions should be made jointly.

Who exactly has told you you are rubbish with money?

You were £500 in debt, your DH helped (albeit he was living with youbat this point) and it seems almost as if this is being held over you as a reason to keep you financially in the dark.

There are red flags all over this thread

I have decided I will be keeping my inheritance to myself and putting it in to savings.

Excellent idea. Don't be pushed into doing otherwise.

It's also not surprising that when you met him you had some debt.
It's always hard becoming a single parent because of the practicalities of having the lose of income. Then to be in a situation where there's no maintenance and costs of funeral, unless you had planned for this is always going to be hard. It also takes time to get out of debt.
Now years later he's still using this minor debt against you to the point that he wants all your money because what's his is his and what's yours is his.
It's not healthy. Honestly. Then he's not going to like it, say no and throw and have a tantrum isn't normal.
Sorry but this is financial abuse. He is using his dominance to control you. Shouting you down is a form of abuse. You should know how much he earns which also shows you don't have access to any accounts. You should have full access.

^Yes. And yes, again.

I ended up emailing him proposing the money all in one pot, agreeing where the money goes then dividing the remainder equally but surprise surprise he does not agree. His response is here - please can you wise people help?

The problem is you aren't earning anywhere near enough money to make your plan fair. At the moment I have to pay for pretty much everything so I am budgeting for that in my own way. I let you keep everything you earn so I don't think that it's unreasonable. I paid for you to go to (...) and would be happy to do that again. I'm paying for our holiday this year as I did last year. I'm running a car and have all of the bills to pay

I'm not going to give up half of my wages on top of that. I have a car to run also.

If you would like an equal 'one pot' thing then to make it equal we need to be paying the same amount on bills. Many families have separate bank accounts and have a joint account for bills. I don't have a problem with that and if you want to do that then that's ok.

If I decide to do a bit of travelling and you would rather not come I'm not going to do it at the expense of our family holiday or the bills or anything else.

I hope you recognise that actually, I have done a good job with all of the above things and everything gets paid and everyone has food and we get a holiday. If you want to contribute more then I'm happy with that but I'm also comfortable with how I manage my earnings and my accounts.

Don't forget that most modern families with a one pot account have two people bringing in similar amounts of money. They still have their own accounts too.

So what do you all think? I took out a bit of info that would out me but basically he paid a couple of hundred for me to do something with my family that couldn't be avoided

"In order for me to work full time to bring in £xxx as you say you will have to take responsibility for childcare for xx days, how do you propose to do this, lessening your hours or paying towards childcare on your days?"

He is being unfair and seeing his wage as his and not recognising your contributions. This is financial abuse territory.

Financial abuse.

As long as everything is split 50/50 ie childcare and income and household tasks? I totally agree with him. You can't expect to put nothing in but get half out-thats very unfair on him

This man is definitely not someone on whom you can rely on for your financial interests as a SAHP.

It should be family money. He became a parent too. If he disagrees with OP SaH he needs to say so, and do more parenting and domestics to facilitate her return to paid work or training.

Bet he's the type to say any paid work you do must fit around his work, ie severely restricting your options.

Yes my work does have to fit around his as he works odd hours. He does nothing at home to help either. He is frustrated I don't earn more but with managing a family aswell as working part time it's quite hard for me to imagine doing more

He's got his head on wrong.

DH and I share a one pot financial system - I work FT, he's a SAHP. If he went back to work and magically managed to get a job earning exactly the same as me, we'd have to pay out serious money in childcare costs, we'd both lose wages or burn through all our annual leave when DS was unwell, we'd have to fit all of the housework etc. in to the weekends and so lose leisure time... I'm under no illusions that by being a SAHP he is saving us a serious amount of money and hassle, so I don't mind that his hobbies on the whole cost more than mine. We discuss spends and savings and agree on what seems fair.

Oh, and when I met DH he was in a hell of a lot more debt than you. I don't hold that over his head every time we have a discussion about budgeting because I accepted it, we worked on it together and it's in the past.

most modern families with a one pot account have two people bringing in similar amounts of money

Bollocks. As mumonashoestring, I am a FT WOHM, DH is a SAHD.

That is exactly how it should be mumonashoestring. I will point that out to him.

Firstly I think it would be better to discuss it face-to-face and not over email, but perhaps you had your reasons for doing it that way (you said you thought he'd be angry so maybe you were scared about his reaction and being able to put your point across?)

Secondly I am not particularly surprised by his reaction and it doesn't change what I've already said - he is selfish and controlling to the extent that it is financial abuse.

He sees his earnings as his money but you are enabling him to earn that money by doing the childcare and housework, and fitting very part-time work around his work. It should be family money and you should have a say in how it's spent. The way he writes is very revealing - he is in control of everything and he "lets" you have money as if he is doing you a massive favour.

As I said before you need to get some financial independence. You need a proper paid job. Your earning potential may not be the same as his (given you've taken a career break) but you still need to get back into work.

However, your right to have a say in the family finances is not dependent on you making a financial contribution and certainly not dependent on you making an equal financial contribution - it's unfair to expect you to be able to do that, given the job sacrifices you have made for the sake of the family.

Abusive,take back your power,you've handed it to him on a plate

Ah - this is what I was looking for! Have a think about how much unpaid work you do in a week - if you're doing all the housework, cooking, childcare, laundry then it soon adds up - and put the numbers in to the calculator on this page: visual.ons.gov.uk/the-value-of-your-unpaid-work/

The value of your 'unpaid' work should be seen as the bare minimum that you're saving the household. It also needs to be remembered that you save money on things like food (more time to cook generally means cheaper meals), clothing and transport if you're not commuting daily at peak/rush hour which are further savings.

Even if he's not happy for the remaining 'spending' money to be divided equally after bills (in which case I suggest you start invoicing for laundry, cooking, childcare) then you should have access to bank statements and know how much money there is that the family could access if needed.

Don't forget that most modern families with a one pot account have two people bringing in similar amounts of money. They still have their own accounts too

I probably ought to tell DH this. I'm a SAHM so contribute absolutely nothing to our pot, but he believes I'm entitled to half as I look after our children.

yup - dont forget that you are at home looking after the children and running the household in a way that enables him to work the odd hours that he does.

I would say that I would be quite happy to go back to work full time, but then he would need to step up to all the things you are currently doing - take an equal role in parenting - that means school runs, meal planning and packing school lunches, paying for childcare, doing homework and after school clubs pick ups, bathtimes and friends parties, as well as remembering to buy presents. Plus splitting the inevitable time off needed for kids medical/dental appointments and sick days, and using his annual leave to help cover school holidays, as would you.

Then with the house, he should be doing an equal amount of laundry, cleaning, cooking, ironing, shopping, gardening, DIY, meal planning, organising holidays, organising the childcare/clothes shopping, making sure all relatives birthdays are remembered and presents bought.

Thats just off the top of my head.

If he is willing to take an EQUAL role in all that then I think you can take a think about working ft and getting some independence back, because i dont know where these tossers get off thinking they can take advantage of women's free labour but allocate it zero worth.

But I bet he wont want to do that.

Thanks everyone. I'm getting really angry about this now as it's quite obvious he's being a dick. I've raised all the points you've all made. If he can't see past it being his money then I guess we'll have to go our own separate ways.