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Original poster

Money - is dh being selfish?

299 replies

Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:00

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 08/03/2017 13:03

I'm afraid I have to disagree - just because I slug my guts out at home for zero pay does not mean who I am and what I do has no value. There is nothing bloody luxurious about my life.

MamaHanji · 08/03/2017 14:27

Ocelot today I have burned my finger sterilising dummies, been thrown up on by a sick toddler, and been pissed on by the baby. And as soon as I have finished feeding the baby, I will be legging it to the doctors as fast as I can as my toddler has a raging fever, ear pain that is making her scream and a rattly cough that has lasted 6 weeks. Such luxury!

I HAVE to be a SAHM as the cost of childcare would far exceed my earnings. We barely get by as it is. I also choose to be a SAHM.

Your posts come across as massively judgemental and snide. And if my partner suggested that I wasn't entitled to 50% of all financial decision making as I didn't have a job he wouldn't be my partner anymore!

Happy international women's day!

Atenco · 08/03/2017 15:08

Well said MamaHanji*

Ecureuil · 08/03/2017 15:44

What MamaHanji said.
Luckily, my partner values my contribution to the household far more than you seem to Ocelot and I have 50% input into all financial decisions.

BantyCustards · 08/03/2017 16:14

👌👌👌 Happy International Women's Dai indeed!

Original poster
Realitea · 08/03/2017 19:49

Happy international women's day!
I'd also just like to add since writing the first post I now have two more clients, upping my money to nearly 100 a week so we all have to start somewhere and if I enjoy it and it fits around dh's hours and school, why not.

OP posts:
MamaHanji · 08/03/2017 19:56

Massive congratulations on expanding your business!

ocelot7 · 08/03/2017 21:25

Do you think being able to be a SAHM is any easier than being a working single parent? I guess that's what I always think of when SAHMs complain about their lot.

Ecureuil · 08/03/2017 21:27

Do you think being able to be a SAHM is any easier than being a working single parent? I guess that's what I always think of when SAHMs complain about their lot

Completely irrelevant comparison. OP isn't a single parent, and neither am I.

Ecureuil · 08/03/2017 21:30

Just because other people have it worse, doesn't mean you should put up with shit. Just because someone else is a working single parent, doesn't mean SAHM's (usually a situation agreed my the family for the benefit of the family) don't have any say in their family's finances. Because my husband earns the money, should I have a lower quality of life than him? Sit at home while he goes on holiday? Eat pasta while he's eating steak? Wear rags while he's in designer clothes?

ocelot7 · 08/03/2017 21:32

The connection is that single parents have to do everything & can't rely on someone else to earn the money.
Also I see so many threads here by women who are going through divorce having not worked for 20 years and having great difficulty to get back to work & support themselves. Hence I think its important for all adults to have a good degree of financial independence as we can't predict who that will happen to.

ocelot7 · 08/03/2017 21:33

The OPs DH asked her to go with him.

Original poster
Realitea · 08/03/2017 21:36

I've been both a working single parent and a SAHM and I have to say they are equally as tiring for me. Everyone's lives are different. I actually felt more myself working full time as I was talking to adults all day and was able to be 'me' instead of mum all day. However I was pretty skint and my ds didn't get much time with me.

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 08/03/2017 21:40

The connection is that single parents have to do everything & can't rely on someone else to earn the money

But that's not the situation here! OP isn't a single parent. And she works. Because she earns less than her DH, she should have a lesser quality of life than him? OP isn't sitting on her arse all day while her DH is at work. She is looking after their children. You know, the same thing that childminders/nannies etc get paid cash to do.

ocelot7 · 08/03/2017 22:37

I know what you mean about getting to talk to adults Realitea

Did you read the rest of my last post Ecureuil?

MamaHanji · 08/03/2017 22:51

Ocelot once again you seem to be trying to make a point that no one else is contradicting.

No one is complaining about being a SAHM.

Being have disagreed about your bullshit comments on it being a 'luxury' (please read in the voice of the four Yorkshireman)

People have disagreed about your sexist remarks about SAHM not being entitled to 50% of the financial decision making as they didn't 'earn it'

And now you are throwing in the 'Yh but other people have it worse'.

I challenge you to never complain about anything ever again, as millions of people will have it worse off than you every single day.

I genuinely think you are trying to be antagonistic.

MamaHanji · 08/03/2017 23:04

And saying that it's important for adults to have a good degree of financial independence...Yh in an ideal world. But as you will notice, a lot of these women said they were SAHM BECAUSE a lot of the time, it is not feasible to be financially worse off for the privilege of working full time and cutting a loss at the end of the month due to child care costs.

In some cases, it is an investment in a career to cut a loss to work your way up, and it would be detrimental to your career to take a break and try to return at a later time.

Financial independence would be lovely. Sometimes I'd love to feel that I contributed more to the household. But then I remember that when I start trying to compare my contribution to the house, to monetary contribution, I'm going to come up short in my eyes. And that's ok. Because I'm doing what I need to do. And if I was paid by the hour for all the things I do, I'd be fucking minted.

Ecureuil · 09/03/2017 06:52

Did you read the rest of my last post Ecureuil?

Yes I did. What's your point?
Out of DH's salary we pay a significant amount into a private pension in my name (because, y'know, he values my contribution). I also built up a large pension pot before becoming a SAHM.
I have certain professional qualifications which mean taking a career break won't mean the end of my career.

NameChange30 · 09/03/2017 11:01

Shame ocelot has triggered such a derail as I would prefer to focus on supporting the OP (although I'm glad so many people are challenging the comments and defending SAHPs!)

Ecureuil · 09/03/2017 11:54

Yes you're right AnotherEmma, apologies for contributing to the derail!

BantyCustards · 09/03/2017 13:56

Back on track....

How is it going, OP?

Original poster
Realitea · 10/03/2017 17:09

Hi! A lot better thanks. We now both have a debit card for the account. So I can use it if needed and log in to the bank to see what's going on whenever I want. He was really apologetic, he realised he took over but only as he felt I was happy to sit back and let him. We also get to book the holiday tomorrow which has a more realistic budget now that he's dropped the solo additional holiday idea that he had. I feel so much better now and I'm really grateful for all the advice and support on this thread.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 10/03/2017 23:09

So the account is now joint?

I honestly hope that this is a positive change in attitude from him but speaking from experience this could well be just him placating you for now.

Original poster
Realitea · 11/03/2017 08:10

It's possible. I'm keeping an eye on things and will make sure they don't slip back.

OP posts:
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