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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money - is dh being selfish?

299 replies

Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:00

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 10:14

I'll take a look thanks myheartbelongstoG! What about flights aswell though?

OP posts:
TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/03/2017 10:14

myheartbelongs didn't tag you sorry. More about this holiday... Thats less than ive priced up for bultins so im very keen to know more!!!

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/03/2017 10:14

Ha looks like we are all going!

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/03/2017 10:15

Omg im
Now getting ads for holidays Shock

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:15

That was flights! Accommodation will be about three hundred for two weeks. Gool old Ryan Air.

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:16

I go to San blas, golf de sure, Tenerife. Cheapest way is to find an apartment and not a hotel.

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:17

Sur not sure. Auto correct!

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/03/2017 10:18

How do you find the apartment?

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:18

Its madness that butlins in so expensive. I did a similar thing last year at Easter and it cost me 600 for four days. Never again!

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:19

I know people out there so I go to people direct. I will come back to you on this though a bit later.

NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 10:20

OP I'm glad you plan to talk to him and get more involved in the budgeting, I wish you luck and very much hope it works out.
Don't let him tell you that you "can't" do it, tell him that you have a right and a duty to participate in the budgeting and decisions and you are willing to learn.

NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 10:21

(Also spending as much on a lads' weekend as on a family holiday is unreasonable IMO, unless funds are unlimited!)

SandyY2K · 05/03/2017 10:22

This isn't a case of financial abuse. You've admitted you're no good with money and have been in debt as a result of spending. You're also happy for him to continue managing the finances.

You also said you didn't or don't want to go on holiday to the place he's going and that's why he's going with a friend. You were given the option to go first.

It may well be that having committed to that holiday, there isn't enough left for a big family holiday this year.

I must say thought, I don't see how far you can get on £1000.00 for a family of 4. That's not enough for flights and accommodation, especially if you're going during school holidays.

I also don't like him waiting for your inheritance to buy a car. I would really object to my DH making plans for himself with my inheritance, because I'd never do that with his. I don't think I have the right to do that.

I'd go as far as getting my parents to specify in their will that money was just for me, if I detected his plans for it actually.

If I leave an inheritance to my DC, it's not for their spouses to start making plans with and unless the source of your inheritance is imminent (ie terminally ill relative), I'd be rather pissed off he was even taking about it.

disappearingfish · 05/03/2017 10:24

How much debt did you get into before and how much did he bail you out? Maybe he thinks you blew the family holiday budget and he deserves a holiday now he's successfully got your finances on track

Joysmum · 05/03/2017 10:25

I can understand why he manages the money and why you are happy for him to do so.

However what is fair is that:

1)all income is family income.

  1. All normal expenditure is deducted from that plus a regular amount saved for emergencies and family holidays.

  2. The remainder divided equally and goes into seperate individual current accounts with no need to talk about what it is spent on.

That way if you or he want to go away independently, it's only possible if you've paid the bills and have your family holiday and then you've saved enough from your own money to do so.

HollySykes · 05/03/2017 10:42

I manage the money in our family as Dh is also a bit crap, but we go through it together, make the decisions together and then I manage it. I don't decide what he does with his money and vice versa. Dh did once ask why I had money saved and he didn't and then I pointed out that he buys expensive lunches and goes for beers after works whereas I make a sandwich from home and just the occasional bottle of wine at home. It shocked him to see how much he was frittering. That's why I wonder if you both have the same to spend but he's better at saving than you?

ninjapants · 05/03/2017 10:52

Aside from not prioritising a family holiday I think your DH is doing what's necessary to keep the family afloat as, by your own admission, you're really bad with money. People are quick to scream 'financial abuse' because he's managing the family's finances, but what else can he do if he knows you're a 'spend, spend, spend' kind of person?
I would definitely tell him you're unhappy about the holiday situation as it isn't right that his holiday with a friend is trumping a family holiday. Perhaps you could plan and book a family trip and he can also go on his trip if there's enough money left and you're happy for him to do so

NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 10:56

"what else can he do if he knows you're a 'spend, spend, spend' kind of person?"

He can discuss and negotiate with the OP. He can explain the income, outgoings, importance of savings, and give her the opportunity to understand and learn about the budget - and have a say in the decisions.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 11:06

Joysmum, thank you for that. (And thanks everyone else of course) I am going to write that down as our plan and he can't really disagree with it I hope, as it's very fair and it's how most people manage their money as a family.
This dream getaway of his was I thought, one of those ideas that never materialises but he seems quite adamant about it. If we had unlimited funds I wouldn't mind but if it comes at the cost of everything else it's totally unreasonable

OP posts:
Joysmum · 05/03/2017 11:11

Glad I could help.

If he persists in going away, you insist that you have the same amount of time and money to do the same as that's only fair. You don't actually have to go, you just need to highlight this as an inequality.

ninjapants · 05/03/2017 11:12

AnotherEmma yes he should try that, if he hasn't already, but it may be this has already happened and OP has proven that she is unable to make sensible financial decisions therefore he feels he has to make all the decisions himself. I don't think he has an obligation to allow the OP access to his earnings as, in the main, he's acting in the best interests of the family with respect to the family's finances. I do think he's being selfish regarding his holiday though, and that could possibly be considered 'financial abuse'.

EyeSaidTheFly · 05/03/2017 11:14

I think that being a 'spend spend spend' type of person when you're dealing with joint money is financially abusive and controlling, especially if it's got to the stage where he's had to pay off your debts.

I feel very sorry for your dh because having to spend his money on your debts is very unfair; as is having to take control of the finances because you are too irresponsible and can't be bothered. If all his money is family money, then I accept the argument that it should go on joint debts but these don't seem to be debts he was consulted about, just ones you racked up on your own, just thinking of yourself and not him or the children.

If I were him I'd be very resentful of having to take all the responsibility for an area of life you should be working through together. It can be scary and lonely. I'd find it hard to respect you.

It's nice for you because you can trust him. He can't trust you, though. Now you want a say in the finances, because he's got things back on track. If I were him I'd be inclined to tell you to take a hike. It is very scary feeling as though you are living with someone who is undermining the stability and safety of your family because of their feckless spending habits.

I don't agree that only £1000 should be spent on a hol with the DC but you really need to grow up and look at your own behaviour.

Fwiw legally inheritances are joint assets, so he is not being unreasonable thinking about how to spend one of what sounds like the very few financial contributions made by you (albeit indirectly) to the family.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 11:14

I agree Ninjapants

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 11:17

"I don't think he has an obligation to allow the OP access to his earnings as, in the main, he's acting in the best interests of the family with respect to the family's finances."

I could not disagree with you more.
They are family finances (as you say yourself) and of course the OP has a right to access them and have a say in how they are spent.

It's terrifying that several people on this thread think it's OK for one person to completely control all the finances in a relationship/family.

Some people are replying as if the OP said she has a compulsive gambling problem and has been frittering away thousands all her life. No. She just said she's "not good with money" and we have challenged her on that. We've said she needs to take responsibility and she's taken that on board. No one should be punished indefinitely for past debts.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 11:20

The debts were bills. When I met him I was a single parent and was finding it hard to cover all the bills despite working full time. He helped but as he was living with me by that time it was only fair for him to help anyway really, but yes he did pay more than his share. It was about £500 I think. Since then he made sure I didn't borrow any money from anywhere and taught me about the importance of saving for things and being careful.

OP posts: