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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money - is dh being selfish?

299 replies

Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:00

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 09:42

"I can't do it"
Really? Hmm

Cricrichan · 05/03/2017 09:42

Work out how much money you both earn. Then take away bills and how much you need to buy food and clothes etc. Then decide on how much you want to save each month and put that aside (for joint holidays, cars, washing machines etc). The rest of the money divide in two and you each get to spend how you want.

Chippednailvarnishing · 05/03/2017 09:42

And you're being equally lazy.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:43

I think he does see them as that yes. He said dd has plenty of toys so there's mobbed to buy more. Clothes he has bought in the past - if I asked he would begrudgingly get them but yes I suppose he does see them as something that's not too important.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:44

It's not 'being lazy' it's not being allowed to take control!

OP posts:
FourToTheFloor · 05/03/2017 09:45

Ffs, he's not being financially abusive. The OP admitted she was shit with money and happily handed over control, more fool her.

I'd want to know why he doesn't want to holiday with, is his trip something he's wanted to do for a long time?

You really need to sort your attitude to money out.

NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 09:45

Look, he is being controlling (and control is a form of abuse) and you're letting him.

You have a responsibility to yourself and your children, you can't just roll over and say "I can't do it" and let him control everything like this.

NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 09:46

"not being allowed to take control!"

Which is it, OP? Either you are gladly relinquishing control, or you would like more control and he's not letting you.

Chippednailvarnishing · 05/03/2017 09:48

Which is it?

I do want him to carry on looking after everything

Or

It's not 'being lazy' it's not being allowed to take control!

Because right now he can't win.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:56

Well maybe I've been brainwashed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 09:57

I would like a say on what the money goes on and to know exactly what he's saving for.
I would like him to carry on looking after the finances as he does a good job of making sure we live within our means and save some too.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 05/03/2017 09:59

Those who say he's not being abusive:

It's one thing to sort the budget because your partner isn't great at it.

It's an entirely different thing to tell your SAHM wife that you earned the money so you can spend it as you like and ask her to hsnd over all the money she earns and expect her to hand over her jnheritance too.

He is being abusive.

PaterPower · 05/03/2017 10:02

I think some of the judgement call on "unreasonable" this will come down to the backstory here. You had debt (presumably a big chunk of it too) when you met. He helped you pay that off - does that mean he paid it off or that he helped you manage finances so you could? How much was it? Hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands?

The lads holiday is probably going to cost a fraction of what a family one would do - he's only got to get one adult flight and he might well be doubling up with his mate on a room. But ask him to show you what he's intending to spend, and then judge if he's being fair.

As other pp have pointed out, a history of being crap with money shouldn't be an excuse to not get better with it and you should at least be aware of what the family's income and outgoings are. As it stands, if he dropped dead tomorrow it doesn't sound like you'd even know where to look to access the money. That's not a good place to be in.

Chippednailvarnishing · 05/03/2017 10:02

You can't claim to be abused when you hand all responsibility to another adult, claim you have been brainwashed but then complain that they aren't doing what you want them to do for you, because your too lazy to do it yourself.

FourToTheFloor · 05/03/2017 10:05

What exactly he's saving for?? Probably for that mythical rainy day that spenders think will never happen.

She's not a sahm, she works very part time. How old are your dc, could you increase your hours.

I still don't think he's being abusive.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 10:07

I'm going to ask what's in what account, what our income is and what our outgoings are. I'm going to say I want to be more involved as his wife. His lads holiday would cost the same as the family holiday and it's totally unfair. We will discuss that too. If he's happy to share with me this information and come up with a plan I'm happy but if he refuses to tell me anything and gets annoyed with me for even suggesting he shouldn't go abroad without us I'll be seriously considering whether we should be together.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 05/03/2017 10:10

Why don't you actually step up and do the finances together. Stop making it sound like everything is depending on his agreement, it isn't.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 10:10

Yes he's saving for the future in general, car, holiday(s), anything that might go wrong with the house. It's sensible of him until you bring in the idea of him spending it on holidays for himself.
I am starting to increase my hours now. I'm self employed but the business is growing slowly but surely.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:11

Have a look at Tenerife, San blas, las Americas. I'm going in Aug for two weeks for 600 euro.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/03/2017 10:11

Including flights?! Hiw many for!

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:12

You really should now what is in your accounts!

Original poster
Realitea · 05/03/2017 10:12

That's what I want - for us to sort it together. Just for me to be involved too. For all I know he could be spending money on himself every week without me even knowing.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 05/03/2017 10:12

But that isn't what you said upthread.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 05/03/2017 10:13

It would also be cheaper op to go on holiday without him...

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 10:13

Three kids and myself. We go every year. I book it in Jan for august. Lovely place, clean etc and they love kids.