I feel excluded by my MIL. What can I do?

[PuddingontheBrain]

To begin with, I think my inlaws are nice and well meaning people. I would actually like to improve my relationship with them so looking for some advice.

To give some background, my MIL absolutely loves babies and small children and her adult life has always revolved around her kids. She now has one DCG; my DD who is 3, who she absolutely adores and who has become the most important thing in her life.

I definitely try to see this interest in a positive light but it is so intense that whenever we see PIL, I feel excluded by MIL. To be fair, we don't see them that often (6-7 times a year for 3-6 days at a time) but I am very much made to feel like I should melt into the shadows to allow MIL to 'enjoy' her granddaughter. We saw them for a week at Christmas and whenever I'd enter the room; I could almost see the dismay on MIL's face before immediately piping up that she was just about to take DD out for a walk and that I should stay at home to have a rest. We have been on holiday a few times with PIL and they always want to take DD out on their own and end up doing nice things with her; like pony rides or going to the beach - things I'd like the join in with too. If I ever do get 2 minutes with DD as soon as MIL is back she'll interrupt and coax DD over to play with her.

To be clear; I gladly accept MIL's offers to take DD most of the time; she takes her out on her own, plays loads of games with her, reads her bed time stories and puts her to bed. When they visit I swap my hours around at work so I go into work and they look after DD during the day (they absolutely love this and have been asking to do it since she was born). It's not like I deny them one on one time with DD, I know it's important for them to get their own time with her.

DH is visiting them this weekend and I decided to stay at home to get some time to myself. He has sent me photos of MIL and SIL making a cake with DD which is a lovely thing to do. I just wish I was included in this kind of activity when I visit. But the underlying message I receive is almost 'you get so much more time with DD than us, leave us alone'.

I feel really unhappy about the situation and I am starting to resent my MIL more and more. I am currently pregnant so hormones aren't making me feel any better. I have tried to talk to DH about it but he says I am imagining it and that MIL is a normal grandmother. I don't think I am imagining it but maybe I am being oversensitive? I wonder should I just accept MIL as she is and at least be grateful that she helps out and is a loving GM.

Navy, please stop jumping on everything I say. Your first post seemed pretty understanding and I took on board your advice. Other posters have been really harsh towards my MIL but I haven't.

No PIL won't be here for her bday so I can understand them doing something. No problem and I didn't say there was. I think that it's just an example of how they take over and push me out. All I would have liked is that someone tell me about it! Maybe we'd have less issues it came from MIL as I mentioned in the last post.

There's a lot of it about in my opinion!

Maybe the OP would have chosen to go if she'd been informed about the party and invited. Maybe she would have chosen to go if she'd been included and not excluded during past visits.

Ignore Navy, OP. According to some posters, you can do no right and your MIL can do no wrong

Thanks, again (!!), Emma. Hope your recent issues have been resolved - saw your recent thread.

op, don't be too hard on yourself.

wait till you have this baby and life settles down again, your MIL won't change but gradually you'll regain strength and you'll be able to tackle her on this.

she's waaay overstepping the boundaries and is being bloody rude, no two ways about it

but you're heavily pregnant with a little one already and you just aren't in the best position to deal with this

but you will be soon and you sound strong and reasonable enough to deal with it the right way

you'll probably find it all settles down, your MIL will get older and just not be up to having DD so much and you'll get used to life with 2 kids and you and your dh will be more of a unit with the kids, instead of just now when its all revolving around what suits MIL

good luck with everything

Pudding.

Re your comment:-

"I honestly believe that with some better communication, the situation can be improved".

I hope you are correct but I do not think that this will happen in the long run. Your MIL is simply not built that way and its not your fault she is the ways she is. Its also not a communication problem because your MIL knows what she is doing here. Its your MIL wanting to exclude you so that she has your child's company. She is filling a void within her own self using your child.

The decision not to invite you to this lunch was made deliberately as well. Its part of her campaign to exclude you from her family; she is the matriarch and will act as such. She has willing enablers in her H, your DH and your SIL to back her up.

"According to some posters, you can do no right and your MIL can do no wrong hmm"
It's not that, honestly. It's just tht I have never seen any subject where the OP is automatically sided with and quite often counselled to take pretty drastic action and no questions asked. Yes, there are some awful people in the world. But most people aren't awful. I think a lot of women have completely unrealistic expectations of their relationship with their mother in law- as I frequently say-aim for cordial and anything else is a bonus. In this case, the OP decided to have a peaceful weekend at home and got upset when her pils had a birthday
celebration for her dd without her. When it wasn't actually her birthday and the gps won't see her on her birthday. The OP is of course entitled to feel however she wants to feel- this thread is about whether she would be reasonable to act on her feelings. We all feel stuff all the time. The important thing is deciding what to do with the
feelings.

You didn't know about the party but did your DH?

Birthday lunch. Not party. I assume a birthday lunch for. 4 year old means lunch with a cake and presents and a balloon or two. Happy to be proved wrong and it was a pre booked event with a conjurer and all the child's friends bussed to grandma's
House..........

ssd, i too am hopeful that that will happen. My relationship with mil was distant for 10 years before I had DD then suddenly full on which was weird. And coincided with my mums death - grieving and pregnant and an overly excited mil was a bad combination.

Then things did get better and I found ways to cope but now I'm pregnant again we seem to be back at square one.

I am not saying that mil is all bad or anything like that and my post was actually about how to manage the feelings of exclusion not the birthday lunch - which I didn't even know about until today. And after thinking about it I'm not even that bothered about not being told but it would have been nice.

If anything this exercise has just shown me that if/when I become a mil then maybe it would be nice to try to forge some kind of friendship with dil before she has any children and to keep her involved! I don't think that's such a big ask.

it's hardly surprising that a party was on the cards is it?

Actually it's perfectly reasonable for the parents to throw birthday parties for their own children - how dare someone jump in first - without asking and without an invite to the child's mother!! How fucking rude!!

I'd be livid OP and DH would know about it!! You are being well and truest walked over - it's about time you got angry about how you are being treated

Its because Sandy they feel entitled to act like it; its their right and no-one has ever wanted to or has been able to pull them up on their overt behaviour

That's not good is it for Atila.

Even though you aren't going this time, you might have done had you been informed of the party, but leave her to it.

I also advise against trying to get your DH to see your POV, he won't. He'll defend his DM till the end of time.

Just assert yourself, reduce the length of time you stay with PILS and come up with the ideas beforehand.

Something just came to mind actually, when my Dsis pops over to visit my parents, my dad says to Dsis, "where is DD3?" It's as if he's not happy to see my family and Dsis. I think it's just because he finds my niece fascinating at that age. He doesn't ask where my teenage DC are when I visit. He does ask how they are, but not where they are.

Perhaps that's more what it is. But neither me or Dsis, get the look of disappointment when we say we're coming out with my parents and the DC.

I think the truth is that we're all more tolerant of our own parents, as opposed to the in-laws.

I got pretty irritated when my FIL asked why I was leaving such a gap between having kids. I felt he had no place asking me that and if he wanted to know if you he should have asked DH. PILS really should be careful not to overstep the mark, especially WITH their DILS, because it could really backfire for them.

Hello everyone I'm new, I need some seriouse advice please if anyone can help

I've been in a relationship for 17 years on/off with the father of my children, aged 14 and 9.
I work as an administrator in a hospital, I cook fresh meals everyday, clean the house do homework with the kids, take my youngest to ballet once a week on a Wednesday, football with my son on a Sunday, I feel like I hardly get time to myself.
I love my family very much but what bothers me is that almost every day I'm told by thier dad, that "I don't know how to act as a women, I'm pathetic, thick scatty, can't do anything properly, so on and so on.

I've left him in the past because of this behaviour, but soon pretty quickly he'll be crying for his family back, showering the kids and myself with expensive gifts and being the perfect partner and father.

Last week I forgot to put some mince in the freezer that I chose not to cook, and left it in the fridge by mistake. And he went bilistic on me,
The name calling started again and he told me I was failiure in life and as a mother. I try to do everything right. I try to be more attractive by looking after my appearance, keep the house clean and tidy all the time tend to the kids and all thier needs

I cry at night because no matter what I do it's never good enough, and he never listens to what I say, he shouts over me if I talk or starts arguing with me so I'll walk away.
I feel like every other woman in the world has something I don't, and is better than me by far. As he always compares me to his friends girlfriends.
Im not comfortable having sex because he says I should have a boob job, cause mine are saggy. it's just every kind of put down you can think of he's said it to me.
But when I leave him he always begs for me to take him back rinse and repeat.
I feel like running away or worse sometimes believeing all the things he says about me are true. I think that's why I stay because I feel like I can't do anything right and I'm unlovable
Am I crazy???

Perhaps if OP knew that a birthday party was being planned (and no, I don't think it is usual for family members to plan one without involving the parents), she would have gone. By not mentioning it and not offering the choice of attending,she is being excluded again.

That sounds awful Aries. But as Navy said, it's probably better to start your own thread. Best of luck, you'll get some good advice here.

Are you always this dramatic?

Nope! But you don't allow others to treat you in such a manner -

Assert yourself. Don't ask them to come, tell them you are coming. If they start the put your feet up shit, look them straight in the eye and say you are doing nothing of the sort and be breezy and confident ie OK has everyone got everything, right let's go!

The mil has no right whatsoever to push you out of your own family life like this.

Aries - he has done a right old number on your self esteem!

Your boobs are saggy?! Wtf. You are the mother of his children! You forgot some mince, big fricking deal, you are no failure, why didn't he do it!! It's time to see your own worth and get rid of this prize prick!

"Actually it's perfectly reasonable for the parents to throw birthday parties for their own children - how dare someone jump in first - without asking and without an invite to the child's mother!! How fucking rude!!"

Sorry? I don't think I'm being dense, but this is the last weekend the gps will see her before her birthday so they had a birthday lunch. The OP decided not to go with the he family because she fancied some peace and quiet. Presumably she will have her proper birthday on her birthday with her parents. I really can't see a problem with this.