I feel excluded by my MIL. What can I do?

[PuddingontheBrain]

To begin with, I think my inlaws are nice and well meaning people. I would actually like to improve my relationship with them so looking for some advice.

To give some background, my MIL absolutely loves babies and small children and her adult life has always revolved around her kids. She now has one DCG; my DD who is 3, who she absolutely adores and who has become the most important thing in her life.

I definitely try to see this interest in a positive light but it is so intense that whenever we see PIL, I feel excluded by MIL. To be fair, we don't see them that often (6-7 times a year for 3-6 days at a time) but I am very much made to feel like I should melt into the shadows to allow MIL to 'enjoy' her granddaughter. We saw them for a week at Christmas and whenever I'd enter the room; I could almost see the dismay on MIL's face before immediately piping up that she was just about to take DD out for a walk and that I should stay at home to have a rest. We have been on holiday a few times with PIL and they always want to take DD out on their own and end up doing nice things with her; like pony rides or going to the beach - things I'd like the join in with too. If I ever do get 2 minutes with DD as soon as MIL is back she'll interrupt and coax DD over to play with her.

To be clear; I gladly accept MIL's offers to take DD most of the time; she takes her out on her own, plays loads of games with her, reads her bed time stories and puts her to bed. When they visit I swap my hours around at work so I go into work and they look after DD during the day (they absolutely love this and have been asking to do it since she was born). It's not like I deny them one on one time with DD, I know it's important for them to get their own time with her.

DH is visiting them this weekend and I decided to stay at home to get some time to myself. He has sent me photos of MIL and SIL making a cake with DD which is a lovely thing to do. I just wish I was included in this kind of activity when I visit. But the underlying message I receive is almost 'you get so much more time with DD than us, leave us alone'.

I feel really unhappy about the situation and I am starting to resent my MIL more and more. I am currently pregnant so hormones aren't making me feel any better. I have tried to talk to DH about it but he says I am imagining it and that MIL is a normal grandmother. I don't think I am imagining it but maybe I am being oversensitive? I wonder should I just accept MIL as she is and at least be grateful that she helps out and is a loving GM.

Hilarious!

I think it's fairly standard grandmother behaviour to be honest. Annoying yes, but if she was doing the opposite it would be annoying too.

Why is it you want to be included? Do you love your MIL and want to spend more time with her? Are you bored on your own? Are you feeling possessive over your DC?

If a- call her up, be proactive in arranging things for you all to do.
If b - arrange to keep yourself busy, see friends, get your hair cut, go shopping, go for a run etc
If c - learn to deal with it! Our kids have to have relationships that don't include us!

I find my MIL a bit intense with my DC. I see my in laws more frequently than you, but only for 2 days at a time. 6 days would drive me mad!! I think you just need to accept that is how she is, she isn't actively being horrible to you, she is just a very doting grandmother! You aren't going to change her behaviour. As it annoys you so much I suggest you just see her in smaller doses. Every other month for 3-6 days is quite full on. Maybe limit it to 2 days and then keep yourself busy for at least one of those days so she gets her DC alone time, and then arrange something for everyone to do the other day. And don't go spending a whole week with them at Christmas. That is your time with your DC first if all. And a whole week with the in laws would drive most people mad no matter how lovely they are! I think if you just see her for shorter chunks you will find the resentment won't build up.

I agree with everything AnotherEmma has said.

If the OP and MIL don't have their own independent relationships then it's only natural the default setting is to talk about the thing they both have as their highest priority.

It's the same as the small talk we make with colleagues who we don't have a social relationship with, you tend to talk shop.

She I agree with the people upthread who suggested the OP set boundaries to ensure she's getting the right anmount of time with her DD but to take the initiative to make plans with her DD and invite MIL to join in with her if she wants, rather than being passive and getting upset that her MIL has plans that she's not invited to. In doing things together, they'll then start to build shared experiences and know each other better to expand conversation on. TBH though I wouldn't phone her, telephone calls can be difficult, whereas in person there's always distractions and small talk plus the DD to focus on in lulls in conversation.

If MIL isn't willing to take up those offers and still demand more time than is right on balance, THEN the OP has a problem. Until then, she might not have and won't know till she tries.

Thank you Checkpoint.

Navy
Good question. FWIW I think the single most important thing the OP can do is talk to her DH. It's not hopeful given that she's already tried and he accused her of "imagining" things. But I think she needs to keep talking to him. It's crucial that he respects her feelings and point of view.
I also think that the OP should stop bending over backwards to please a woman who is treating her with so little respect. I would think that whoever the person was; a PIL, her own parent, a friend, colleague - literally anyway.
I don't expect you to agree with me but that's answer, since you asked

anyone not anyway

Just to add to my post.

At the moment you feel like you lack control. She is in charge. I don't think you can change her attitude / behaviour, but you can take control so that you don't feel as pushed out/ powerless.

• organise activities for you all to do
• organise stuff for just yourself and Say 'you can have DC to yourself today!'
• you decide how often and how long you want to see them for.

She is always going to be all about the DGC, but if you are more in control it will stress you out less.

I think she's perfectly aware of what she's doing.

She = MIL

Yes l have DGCs of my own and have an excellent balanced relationship with them and my dcs - their parents. Balanced as in l get to spend time with them all together but occasionally am entrusted to take my dgcs out on their own or they stay with me on their own. Also with my Dss we spend lots of time out or at their house or ours with our DGC (my DSGC) and their parents. But we ask about once a month if we can take DGC out to tea and everytime Ss1 will just say 'oh l might join you ' which as many others have said completely changes the dynamic and is stopping my DH especially having any one on one time with his DGD. It doesnt bother me as much it more pisses me off really on behalf of DH as it's almost as if he never gets trusted to be capable of looking after her on his own. So when we want to take her out for tea we ask when she is at her mum's on the afternoons DSs is working late ( they are split up and share access) as her mum has no problem with it. I dont think SS1 has a problem with it per se just comes along for the meal saves him bothering when he gets home but it is still frustrating and a very different dynamic. Anyone would think we hatched some evil kidnap plan once a month to spend a few hours with her alone. In fact the way we do it now sometimes actually means we are not cutting into SS1s time with her as her mum is RP but as l say she is very laid back about her DCs spending alone time with their dgps so everyone's happy.

"Bertrand You're just as guilty of projecting and insisting everything is rosy when it's not"
No- I am not insisting that everything is rosy. I am insisting that it's not necessarily all black. I am sorry if I was nasty to you- I try very hard never to be nasty to anyone by accident. I must have slipped up.

and no we don't want to play mummy and daddy we want to play grandparents about once a month if we're lucky. WTAF is wrong with that? Oh and DSGD has a beautiful mutual relationship with DH / her
grandad and me for tgat matter so has no problem whatsoever with being with him without her dad.

I think the OP has had a hard time here. She just doesn't want to be excluded. I understand that having grandchildren is an exciting time - as it rightly should be - but there are boundaries. My MIL became very obsessed with my SIL's daughter - telling me how much her grandchild preferred her to her own mother. It was all very strange. Grandparents are certainly important but not to the exclusion of all others, including the parents! OP - I'd try speaking to her (or asking your DH to if that would work better). Best to get it sorted before the new baby is here.

Pudding, I completely understand. Maybe mil is excluding you deliberately to get some more 1 on 1 time, or maybe she thinks she's helping. You might never know and perhaps it doesn't matter - this is about YOUR feelings which are important. I would suggest NOT turning this into a big deal but instead try some gentle assertiveness techniques. I'm sure the good folks of MN can help you more with this but perhaps some helpful phrases could be:

No. (Repeat as necessary.)
No, I'm coming! A walk would be great!
No, I'd really like to be included. (Using words like included and excluded makes the point very clearly without pointing fingers.)
Also, you could come up with ideas beforehand or maybe book things which include all of you.

Good luck with it!

Bertrand Thank you. Just read back and you weren't hugely nasty (certainly nothing like other people were on a more recent thread) - just a bit snippy - so I apologise for accusing you.

I like GoodDay's suggestions for being assertive

she sounds blissfully unaware of how she's making the OP feel.

So if I offer to take DSis kids out and she asks to come and I say no - then the asks again and I say no - then the next day and the next day - all the while sending her photos of the fun we are having - YET be oblivious to how she feels?

Ditto Checkpoint. I even named my DD after her .

Its the excluding the OP that is the problem. When I go to my inlaws I am included in trips out and if MIL wants to bake a cake with DD then I am usually the proud recipient of the cake at the end. Heaven knows my PILs are pretty batshit but they at least have this courtesy when I am around. They get plenty of time with DD and I dont get frozen out. I sometime says yes to joining in and I sometimes say no and do my own thingalthough she will be sleeping over at their house on her own when hell freezes over

It took some assertion on my part when she was newborn to get this far so I'm afraid OP you will need to start being assertive and invite yourself to these things. Who cares if MIL gets a face like a slapped arse because you want to tag along occaisionally. You are part of the family and that is non negiotiable.

Good, like your suggestions too. I don't want to make a big deal out of it either at the last thing I want to do is cause rifts.

I do think she is aware of what's going on. I have just realised that she organised a birthday lunch for DD today (her bday is in a few weeks). Fair enough and I am not saying that they shouldn't organise a party, but why didn't anyone tell me about it? I have to admit that I feel that if she were so respectful and kind then maybe it would have been nice to send me a text to say 'sorry to hear you're exhausted at the moment, hope you have a nice restful weekend. We can't wait to see DGD and have organised a little party for her, wish you were coming too'. But nothing. If the roles had been reversed, and it were my family having a little party for DD and no one had mentioned it to DH, I think he'd be upset.

Arghhh, sorry, that's a whole other thread!

I think as someone upthread suggest, the control and dynamic needs to change. And before anyone has a go, I am not for one second saying I'll stop MIL's contact with DD or limit visits, or stop them doing things together without me etc.

Thanks everyone for replies.

Reading your latest post, she sounds like she is definitely overstepping the mark. It might be that a conversation with you sorts it out - I hope so.

Is your DH at the party.

Yes, he's at theirs for the weekend. I decided to stay at home to get some rest as I am really exhausted with my pregnancy. Also after Christmas, I felt like taking some time out from PIL.

I'm not against them doing something for DD, of course not. I just wish that someone had thought to tell me about it. Anyway, going to stop feeling sorry for myself as that never helps; plan of action of being more assertive to be formed. I honestly believe that with some better communication, the situation can be improved.

She organised a birthday party for your DD and didn't invite you?!!!

Completely out of order.

I wonder how the MIL dementors are going to blame that on you.