I feel excluded by my MIL. What can I do?

[PuddingontheBrain]

To begin with, I think my inlaws are nice and well meaning people. I would actually like to improve my relationship with them so looking for some advice.

To give some background, my MIL absolutely loves babies and small children and her adult life has always revolved around her kids. She now has one DCG; my DD who is 3, who she absolutely adores and who has become the most important thing in her life.

I definitely try to see this interest in a positive light but it is so intense that whenever we see PIL, I feel excluded by MIL. To be fair, we don't see them that often (6-7 times a year for 3-6 days at a time) but I am very much made to feel like I should melt into the shadows to allow MIL to 'enjoy' her granddaughter. We saw them for a week at Christmas and whenever I'd enter the room; I could almost see the dismay on MIL's face before immediately piping up that she was just about to take DD out for a walk and that I should stay at home to have a rest. We have been on holiday a few times with PIL and they always want to take DD out on their own and end up doing nice things with her; like pony rides or going to the beach - things I'd like the join in with too. If I ever do get 2 minutes with DD as soon as MIL is back she'll interrupt and coax DD over to play with her.

To be clear; I gladly accept MIL's offers to take DD most of the time; she takes her out on her own, plays loads of games with her, reads her bed time stories and puts her to bed. When they visit I swap my hours around at work so I go into work and they look after DD during the day (they absolutely love this and have been asking to do it since she was born). It's not like I deny them one on one time with DD, I know it's important for them to get their own time with her.

DH is visiting them this weekend and I decided to stay at home to get some time to myself. He has sent me photos of MIL and SIL making a cake with DD which is a lovely thing to do. I just wish I was included in this kind of activity when I visit. But the underlying message I receive is almost 'you get so much more time with DD than us, leave us alone'.

I feel really unhappy about the situation and I am starting to resent my MIL more and more. I am currently pregnant so hormones aren't making me feel any better. I have tried to talk to DH about it but he says I am imagining it and that MIL is a normal grandmother. I don't think I am imagining it but maybe I am being oversensitive? I wonder should I just accept MIL as she is and at least be grateful that she helps out and is a loving GM.

I encourage lots of one on one time between her and DD! But I want to be included. Fwiw I have no support from my own family so I think I can be pretty objective about this.

Maybe this is less about your DD and more about you. If you don't have much support or a great relationship with your own family perhaps you want to feel special to your MIL and build a mother/daughter relationship with her, rather than just providing her with a grandchild? If that's the case why don't you invite her to do something alone with you? A day out together, lunch and shopping, or the theatre or a garden/stately home visit or something where you get her one on one for a while and can have a real heart to heart with her about feeling a bit pushed out? She sounds like a lovely woman, I am quite sure she doesn't intend to make you feel that way.

Wow French.... you have a lot to say on the issue - but you also seem appear to be projecting lots of stuff onto OP's post...

OP's actually been quite nice overall about her MIL and is discussing how this behaviour makes her feel & others are validating that... she's not stopped her seeing her and has tried to suggest that she would like to be included and is looking for suggestions on how to manage this without causing friction - so labelling her a martyr feels a bit unfair....

You are correct that an interested and engaged grandparent is a blessing, but I watched my dad's mother treat my own mother like a second class citizen & excluding her when I was growing up and I know this clouded my view of her in a way that couldn't be repaired by showering us with gifts and days out...

Feeling threatened or feeling that someone is trying to replace you in the affections of your child is a horrible and almost primal feeling/experience and is not limited to mn. I would suggest that most MIL's don't intend to invoke these feelings -they just want to spend time with their DGC's - but it's such a hard dynamic to rationally manage & I actually think there is nothing wrong with asking for advice on how others have managed this...

I think it's true, including others does change the dynamic. I'm in my 40's and like time with just my mum or my dad. Love my step family as much do, my dad is my primary relationship. I can understand why others like to do the same.

For example, today my DD and DH are having a day together. I am the primary parent and DD naturally looks to me if I'm with her. They both enjoy their time together where they are focused just on their own relationship and it help to strengthen their bond which I think is healthy.

The difference is, I'm supporting that as I believe it's a good thing for my DD to be close to others. I don't see it as detracting from our relationship, just adding to it. Yesterday I was told by my daughter they were having daddy daughter day but I didn't wheedle myself in to their plans or take it as rejection.

What would cross the line is if me or DH tried to compete in our DD's affections or dictate what the other did.

Poor Sil dared to bake a cake with her DM and DN

I think people are being harsh on MIl. She is enjoying time with her GD, not undermining or being nasty to OP. Unless OP tells her that she feels left out, she is going to carry on. Just push yourself in a bit more.

Lots of grandparents like one to one with GCs, the dynamic is different when mum is there. It's just about balance. This is a really special relationship to be treasured and worked on. I normally hate it when people say 'just be glad you've got a MIL who cares about her GCs', but I'm leaning that way in this case!

One of the things I often don't understand on mil threads is why people expect to have close relationships with their mils. Why would you? Why would you expect to have a close relationship with a woman of a completely different generation, quite possibly with absolutely nothing in common with and no shared history or experience. Aim for cordial, and anything else is a bonus. Pils primary relationship is with their son and their grandchildren. And if the grandparents are nice, non abusive people, then just let them build that separate relationship with the grandchildren. It's good for children to be surrounded by people who love them, and to have their own direct relationships with people. Of course nobody should snatch babies out of their mother's arms and some of the awful experiences some people have had. But that is very different to taking a 3 year old to the beach a few times a year!

Op if it bothers you is there any way you can reduce the amount of visits
E.g. Only see them two or three times a year or for a day or two only?

"Op if it bothers you is there any way you can reduce the amount of visits"

But think first who you are doing it for. It is possible to be a mother and a dil and unreasonable as well!

One of the things about being an adult is being able to acknowledge that we can have quite real and legitimate feelings which are also unreasonable and which shouldn't be acted on!

is

kitty
"I love how the OP I'd being far, far too reasonable and accommodating, yet the MIL dementors are still saying 'you're trying to make it all about you' and 'poor MIL'"

Yep! (And lol at "the MIL dementors" )

But aren't trips to the beach and pony rides classsic grandparent things? How is that "playing mummy"?

Right, lots of new responses since I conked out last night.

Firstly I'm going to say, this is not AIBU, it's relationships. I posted here to ask if people could help me with me feelings. I didn't post here for people to bash my MIL and certainly not my SiL who is absolutely lovely. I haven't done that as I respect my Inlaws and have said so time and time again that. I am more that happy to see my SiL bake a cake with DD, they were having fun. It was just an example of what other family members would be included in but not me.

What I would like help with is dealing with the fact that when I am around, the underlying feeling is that I should leave them to it. Which I do. I am not for one second trying to stop the relationship that my mil has with my DD and I am very aware that they need to spend time together without me (really thought I'd stressed that in all of my posts). They do so much together; swimming, to the park, play in the garden, do bath time, read books, play games - all whilst I say 'yes you're right, I'll get on with lunch, I'll do my paperwork, I'll have a bath, I'll go shopping etc.'. It's not just a couple of hours during one weekend as someone suggested. It's all day every day of the visit which are sometimes a week long and sometimes family holidays.

I am massively appreciative of my mil's help, please don't tell me I'm not and that I should be grateful etc., I am.

I just wish they wanted to spend time with me too. Maybe I'm being precious and I need to accept that they don't. But as I said in a pp I don't have as much support from my own family - my mother died unexpectedly just before having DD and the rest of my family lives overseas and have much less time for us. So it would be nice to be seen as more than the incubator of gc which is honestly, how I feel.

One poster suggested laying on the love for mil and maybe I will do that. Maybe that's how I can have a closer relationship. I don't want to be best friends or anything but during a weekend, maybe to feel like they really want me to come on the walk with them too (not every activity of course) or maybe for them to take my photo with DD once during a visit (instead of absolutely never ever) then I'd feel more included. And maybe that's an effort to come from me.

Oh and I would never reduce the visits.

I think there's a place for grandparents to spend alone time with their grandchildren (no parents present) and for the whole family to spend time together. The problem is that this grandmother wants it to be the former all the time, and never the latter. Even worse, she excludes the OP from "whole family" time - so while the DH and SIL might be there, the OP (the child's mother FFS) is not welcome.

Don't know why people are confusing that with the merits of grandparent-grandchild alone time..

Oh wait I do know why, it's because for some of you PILs can do no fucking wrong.

Gosh grandma loves granddaughter and the family love spending time with her. They don't see her often do they? I think this is a massive overreaction and it's your issue, not theirs. If you want to go out with them just go with them! What's stopping you? Personally I'd enjoy the break. I think she sounds like a lovely granny who is besotted with her granddaughter, it's normal. When my mum became a grandma she turned into a woman possessed! Don't they all? I think you're being very harsh

Cross post. I think you're defending yourself too much, OP. I also think you sound like a bit of a pushover. You give an inch and they take a mile. There's no way I'd let my PILs monopolise time with my child and exclude me for a whole week, 6-7 times a year.

Thanks Emma. I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall with this thread.

Pudding It's always the way, some people just won't listen or be convinced. Try and focus on the replies from people who do get it. (I had a recent PILs thread that was much nastier if that's any consolation!)

Pudding

Your child is being used by your MIL to fill her own emotional void. Its a heavy price also for the child. You are this child's mother and MIL is pushing you out by excluding you and deliberately so. That is the problem here; not the cake baking. Talking to her will simply bring more accusations of you amongst other things being too sensitive, she will certainly go on the defensive. They are showing you this by both word and deed. The power and control balance is well in her favour currently.

The other problem you have here is your DH because he is not giving you his full support. He is going along with his mother in this because he is far more afraid of her than he is or would be of you.

Re your comment:-

"What I would like help with is dealing with the fact that when I am around, the underlying feeling is that I should leave them to it. Which I do".

Yes you do this and at great cost to yourself. Your sense that they want to be left to it is all too real as well, they want you to go away. You seem to be completely subservient in and to his family of origin which does you no favours either. Where are your boundaries here with regards to these people; too low boundaries has also led to this situation arising.

"I am not for one second trying to stop the relationship that my mil has with my DD and I am very aware that they need to spend time together without me (really thought I'd stressed that in all of my posts)"

Not all grandparent relationships with regards to their grandchildren are healthy relationships by any means. The relationship needs to become more balanced by I do not think that MIL will at all allow that to happen. Your child does need to spend time apart from parents but in healthy ways and certainly not by letting your DD see you being excluded. I also think your second as yet unborn child will be treated quite differently by MIL.

You have likely come from an emotionally healthy family yourself; your DH has not been so fortunate. His family of origin are very unhealthy.

How about being proactive- "It's a lovely day- let's all........." "I fancy going to X- who wants to come?"

You absolutely must get DH on side - why isn't he including you? He could easily say 'get your coat were off to the beach' whatever

He is equally to blame for this!! How rude of him to ignore you for a whole week and leave you sat home alone is someone else's home -

What other situation would this be acceptable? Darling we're visiting old friends - do you mind getting the lunch and sitting on the sofa all week while we go off and have some fun without you? - you can have a bath!'